Upenn "Your interest..." (business)

Here is my prompt: Describe the courses of study and the unique characteristics of the University of Pennsylvania that most interest you. Why do these interests make you a good match for Penn?
Here is my essay:

I have been interested in business, especially the Huntsman Program that integrates international studies and business. I have paid special attention to international affairs when in high school, and I have always wanted to conduct a systematic and professional study of the subject. Also, as math has been one of my best subjects, I have been interested in business and have a strong desire to take part in the business activities, especially those correlated with international affairs, by applying professional knowledge. The business world is constantly changing and it would be challenging and fulfilling to participate in this area. As my country China is playing a more important role in the world's economy and politics, I want to make the best use of what I learn in the program and contribute to my motherland. Huntsman Program offers great opportunities by combining my two most interested areas in one program. A dual degree from the school of arts and science and from Wharton school of business is very appealing to me. By combining my knowledge in both areas of concentration, I can develop deeper and more thorough understandings of how economy and politics have mutually influenced each other.

To me, Upenn is extremely diversified and dynamic. When I visited the school's web site, the first photo that came into sight was the one with students kayaking; their serious expressions on their faces show that they are dedicated and focused. I also saw the photo in which students were reading in the palace-like library, and their love for knowledge was clearly shown. In another photo, a student seemed to be doing research in the African forest, and I think it is great that Upenn provides a chance to engage globally. Upenn looks solemn and serene—by taking the virtual tour I could not help exclaiming how beautiful the campus looked from the pictures. I see Upenn from very different perspectives and each of them gives me new ideas about the distinctive characteristics of Upenn.

I believe myself to be a good match for Upenn, because I look for challenges, and Upenn is never short of them. There has always been a deep yearning inside my heart that drives me to explore the areas that I have never stepped my feet on. I not only look for academic excellence, but also perfection of personality by immersing myself into the community. I am sure that there will be an unforgettable life at Upenn and after Upenn. Deep down in my heart, there is a big Upenn that owns everything, and can give me whatever I want if I dare to seek.

It's pretty good, considering the outline and the structure, but I'd like to point out a few mistakes.

First of all, you used a nearly replicate phase in:
Huntsman Program offers great opportunities by combining my two most interested areas in one program. A dual degree from the school of arts and science and from Wharton school of business is very appealing to me. By combining my knowledge in both areas of concentration, I can develop deeper and more thorough understandings of how economy and politics have mutually influenced each other.
It sounds replicated, may be you should change it.

Also, the example that you see from the Upenn website is not a very good example. I mean the photo is true of course, but the way you describe it just sound like you don't know the university at all.

And the last one, (this is just what I thought, never mind it) Upenn is a public school. You don't sound like an us citizen, so i just want to warn you about it. us public university has a very small portion of international students, and since it's an ivy league, it's probably more difficult for you to get into it. Just an opinion,

Angela

I have paid special attention to international affairs while in high school, and I have always wanted to conduct a systematic and professional study of the subject.

Also, as math has been one of my best subjects, I have become interested in business and have a strong desire to take part in the business activities, especially those correlated with international affairs, by applying professional knowledge.

Huntsman Program offers great opportunities by combining my two most interested areas into one program.

When I visited the school's web site, the first photo that came into sight was the one with students kayaking;the serious expressions on their faces show that they are dedicated and focused.

I see Upenn from very different perspectives and each of them gives me new ideas about its distinctive characteristics.

Good luck!

:)

The University of Pennsylvania is not a public school, it's a private school, so the basis of your claim is false. Second, the percentage of international students at ANY university is usually small, but not for the reasons that you are implying. Lastly, UPenn is an equal opportunity institution which means no discrimination on the basis of whether or not an applicant is an international student.