UPenn Essay - Page 217 of my autobiography

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

You have just completed a 300 page autobiography, please submit page 217.

night savouring a cup of Kopi Luwak with a Pulitzer Prize winner and University of Pennsylvania alumni, my journalistic hero.
My vision took the motion of the pendulum, kaleidoscopically the aqua-marine aura of the ocean and a land mass - disconcertingly of a similar hue - flittered in and out of view. Buffeted by the whirlwinds commonplace in our desolate location, the helicopter transported us to our assignment. Such a project had necessitated that our camaraderie of the night before evolve into a partnership, and quite startlingly into equality. Despite my relative inexperience and this being my first international pursuit, we were both entering a realm that neither of us had tamed.
We were told that the nebulous expanse that stretched before us had been civilised no less than 24 hours ago; indeed, it seemed that what lay below us now was reminiscent more of an Atlantis than an Atlanta, and perhaps more solemnly that this was reality, no classical antiquity. I thought of my wife and my two young children who were, too, away from home, but enjoying the ideality of their vacation rather than confronting reality. Well I thought, and irrationally hoped they weren't: communication was a premium on this island, and no word had come through regarding the locations of the areas impacted by the wave.
Yes, I had sought ubiquity in knowledge and an awareness unattainable by any other vocation, but I had never realised that I would encounter it in such a manner. As we descended, an aquarium of corpses, debris, animals, vegetation, history and potential came into view as I registered the shock of mortality and futility of man in the face of the potency of nature. I had been buoyed up by my conversation the night before, inspired by my new colleagues grasp of the malleability of life, and the centrality yet beauty of choice to man. My horizons had expanded, yet now I felt my late buoyancy somewhat insular and brought hurtling back down to earth with the annihilation of such liberty below me. It seemed there was always something more powerful than our own choices –
I had no more time to ponder, I detected movement below me; my instinct, subverting my objective as a reporter, compelled me to

Try substituting 'landscape' for realm. Sounds better.

I also have the feeling that the vocab is just about to get out of your control. Some of it is good; some of it is like bad penny novels. Clear and direct is the way to go, always.

Okay, thanks very much for the advice.

What were your general impressions - is it a good essay?

night savouring a cup of Kopi Luwak with a Pulitzer Prize winner and University of Pennsylvania alumni, my journalistic hero. (nice, a great introduction)

My vision took the motion of the pendulum (pendulums motion), kaleidoscopically(,) the aqua-marine aura of the ocean and a land mass - disconcertingly of a similar hue - flittered in and out of view.

This sentence seems a bit muddled, you could try organizing it a bit......
{The aqua-marine aura, a land mass disconcertingly of a similar hue, flittered (fluttered?) in and out of my vision like a kaleidoscope encompassed by a pendulums motion.}

Buffeted by the whirlwinds commonplace in our desolate location, the helicopter transported us to our assignment. Such a project had necessitated our camaraderie (of: you could omit this) the night before evolve into a partnership, and quite startlingly into equality.

Despite my relative inexperience and this being my first international pursuit, we were both entering a realm that neither of us had tamed.
{This was my first international pursuit, yet despite my relative inexperience, we were both entering a realm neither of us had tamed.}

We were told the nebulous expanse stretched (ing) before us had been civilised (civilized)no less than 24(twenty-four)hours ago; indeed, it seemed that what lay below us now was reminiscent more of an Atlantis than an Atlanta, and perhaps more solemnly that this was reality, no (not a) classical antiquity. I thought of my wife and two young children, away from home but enjoying the ideality of their vacation rather than confronting reality.
Well I thought, and irrationally hoped they weren't (Irrationally, I hoped this was not the case).

Communication was a premium on this island, and no word had come through regarding the locations of the areas impacted by the wave.
{On this island, communication was premium yet no word came through regarding the locations of the areas impacted by the wave}

Yes (omit?).....I sought ubiquity in knowledge and an awareness unattainable by any other vocation, but never realized I would encounter it in such a manner.

As we descended, an aquarium of corpses, debris, animals, vegetation, history, and potential came into view.

I registered the shock of mortality and futility of man in the face of the potency of nature.
{Mortality and mans futility in the face of nature's potency came as a shock....... shocked my conscience?}

I had been buoyed up by my conversation the night before, inspired by my new colleagues grasp of the malleability of life , and the centrality yet beauty of choice to man.
{Through our conversation the night before, my new colleagues grasp of mans centrality, the beauty of ones choice, and the malleability of life itself inspired and lifted me.}

My horizons had expanded, yet now I felt my late buoyancy somewhat insular and brought hurtling back down to earth with the annihilation of such liberty below me.
{Though my horizons expanded, the annihilation of liberty below hurled this buoyancy back down to earth and insularity.}

It seemed there was always something more powerful than our own choices –
{There was always something more powerful than our own choices....

I had no more time to ponder. I detected movement below me. My instinct, subverting my objective as a reporter, compelled me to

This is a great essay, though I think it could use a bit more active voice despite the autobiographical restrictions.....I wrote a page 217 essay last year as well though it was not nearly as descriptive and vivid as this one. Best of luck to you and hope this helps.

one thing i have to say reading your essay is your use of big words, i'm sure you have a great vocabulary and you don't use the words in a wrong way, but they take away from the tone of your essay. This suddenly looks like some serious grad school research paper langauge being incorporated into an autobiography, not a good mix. You use a number of powerful verbs and adjectives, by themselves they have tremendous meaning, but when you incorporate so many within such a short space, they take meaning away from each other. You're missing some part of hte intro and conclusion which makes it a little harder to garner any first impressions. This definitely isn't a bad essay, it's creative, but the question for college essays is what does it tell about you? Your message isn't necessairly as direct, or at least it appeared that way to me, and if a college ad com sees it that way, then that will really hurt you so you're essay is a bit risky. Also, don't lose focus in your essay. I think you want to ask yourself what's the purpose of what I'm writing and what message do I want to convey, make sure these answers are clearly defined. That will allow you to turn this good essay into a great one. By the way, you think you could look at the 2 i posted if you get a chance, thanks alot.

@ Jason J Rhee: Thank you ever so much for your advice. Funnily enough you've identified the main weakness in my essays - a lack of the active voice - and have given me some good advice on how to improve. If there's anything I can do for you don't hesistate to ask, although given that you were writing college essays last year, you're probably a level ahead of me!

@Simrath Randhawa: Your advice is constructive and very helpful. Bear in mind that this isn't my main essay, it's an optional essay that forms part of the UPenn supplement. I made sure that my main essay is powerful, and conveys as much about me as possible.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that it's creative. That's what I saw the essay as, a creative piece that touches on your ambitions in life. Am I right in assuming this? (UPenn requires the Common App essay, a required supplement essay and this) I will have a look at your essays..


Thanks again, all comments are greatly appreciated!

good job good luck to you penn's one of the toughest schools to get into in america but with an essay like that you'll really increase your chances, you are creative, that will help you in life greatly

No problem. I hope you get in. I didn't because oddly enough, I was missing recommendations and didn't proof-read my essays thoroughly. If you find time, I have some writing that needs feedback. It's one of the supplements for my UChicago transfer essay. Thanks a bunch and best of luck.

I love the beginning--very creative.

I will be nit picky here because Penn is just about the hardest American university to get into. I can tell that you put time and thought into this essay and I feel you deserve thought in return.

I'd like to echo some of the advice that you have already gotten here ... like Stephen and Simrath say, your vocab is just about getting away from you. You are at risk of losing the reader because there aren't enough rest periods, enough breaks from the SAT prep words. There isn't much sense in saying, "He had evil plans," when "He had evil machinations," works so much better. But if you start saying things like, "He sustained nefarious machinations," it tires the reader out.

Part of the problem is that all of your sentences are complex. Complex sentences are a good thing and you have used the semicolon and em-dash correctly, but there is no variety. What about adding some dialogue? Some short, punchy sentences? As is, the sentences maintain the same cadence and that lulls the reader to sleep.

You use a lot of adverbs. I just read Stephen King's On Writing. The man makes a strong case against adverbs. When Stephen (Stephen, the moderator, not Mr. King) said that some of the vocabulary came across as being from a bad penny novel, I wonder if it was the adverbs that rankled his nerves. Stephen King is of the opinion that adverbs are for lazy writers. The use of strong verbs just about eliminates the need for adverbs at all. While we are on the subject of verbs ... there are a lot of auxiliary verbs in your piece. You can't eliminate them completely, but you can use more active verbs to strengthen your writing.

Enough of the general comments on style ... here are a few particulars I wanted to point out:



The pendulum as in a particular pendulum? I think this would read better if you were to substitute the indefinite article. A pendulum. (I told you I would be nit picky). Two adverbs in the same sentence? Ack! Cut one. I'd vote kaleidoscopically out personally. Sure, it has seven syllables and could serve as the middle line of a haiku all on its own, but it has a bit of a hippy feel and seems to contradict the "similar hues" later in the sentence. Does an aura really have a color? I believe you are saying that the land mass is flittering in and out of view, but the sentence structure points to the aura flittering. Man, I didn't mean to be *so* picky, but I am also not crazy about the word flittering. Flitting is much more common (not to mention recognized by my spellchecker). While flittering is not used incorrectly, you run the risk of the reader thinking that you meant flitting and just used the wrong word. AND (I won't tear everything apart after this sentence) ... this is a comma splice. If I am reading it right. My vision took the motion of a pendulum ... the aura flitted in and out of view. Each of those could stand on its own as a sentence; a mere comma isn't enough to splice them together.


Here's a place where you could simplify. Such a project necessitated that our camaraderie from the night before evolve into an equal partnership.


Pursuit doesn't quite fit. Is there another word that would work? Mission? Assignment? Operation? Tamed isn't working for me either. Expected? Anticipated? Were prepared for?


Omit We were told. It is in passive voice and doesn't add anything to your narrative. Instead of that stretched, you could say, stretching--again, it eliminates some of the passive voice. Is there a reason you used an in front of Atlantis and Atlanta? It makes it sound like there is more than one Atlantis and more than one Atlanta. I am not sure what you are going for here. Are you talking about a literal Atlanta or are you using it as a metaphor?


Personally, I don't like the adjective ideality[/i,] and I'd omit it. On the other hand, I feel like you need an adjective in front of the word [i]reality. Something like: I thought of my wife and two children who were, too, away from home, but enjoying their vacation rather than confronting this grim reality. I am still not crazy about the sentence structure. The two and too so close together trip up my mind a little. Maybe: I thought of my wife and children who were away from home as well, but enjoying their vacation rather than confronting this grim reality.


Was your hope irrational? The Well I thought doesn't really add anything. Restructure this part of the sentence so it flows better and conveys your meaning.

I am going to have to stop here. (You are probably relieved to hear that). Man, it is late here. There is no school tomorrow, but this boy still needs his sleep. I hope that you aren't feeling shredded by my comments.

Wishing you the best!