UofM School of Nursing Essay

School of Nursing: Describe why you want to be a nurse. Include your specific experiences and abilities related to health care that will make you a good candidate for the nursing profession. Also describe your understanding of nursing's role in health care and how you see yourself embodying these roles.


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Any suggestions on how to make this better? Please help me if there are any mistakes!

If one asked a kindergarten class what their favorite television shows were...

It is not really incorrect to say "asked what... shower are ," but it sounds nicer when the verb tenses are consistent.

How about instead of etc, you write, "and so on."

You know what? I think this has a lot of potential, but you should give it another try. At some parts of the day, you might feel inspired to write something that is really beautiful.. capture those opportunities... those inspired moments.

This draft organized your thoughts, so the next one will be excellent. In the last paragraph, you start by talking about nursing being important to you, and then you go on to talk about how it is important in general, and then you come back to talking again about it being important to you. If you take time to write this again next time you feel inspired, I think you will be happy with the results.

Is it really so bad that I need to rewrite it? I''m really in a time crunch so I don't think that's possible...anyone have any suggetsions on how to make it better without starting over??

EDIT: (In changing things up a bit, I managed to go WAY over the world limit. :( I'm currently at 450 words...200 over the limit. Any suggestions for where to eliminate/condense things?)


Oddly enough, ...

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I realize that it still needs a lot of work...help!

If one asked a kindergarten class what their favorite television shows are, most would reply with a certain cartoon. If one asked my kindergarten-self this question, my response would have been "E.R." Thursday was my favorite day because it was my turn for the "sharing" activity and the night that I got to stay up late to watch E.R. For as long as I can remember, I've been obsessed with the idea of hospitals, ambulances, medicine, etc. Even as a small child, my heart raced with adrenaline each time an ambulance rushed by. I made up stories where I played the heroic emergency medical technician involved in various crises. I loved being in a hospital for doctor's appointments, for siblings' surgeries, or even when a relative was sick. At seven years old, my presence in a hospital equated to the joy of most other girls' presence in a Toys"R"Us. I watched the doctors and nurses meticulously; interested in anything they did, from taking vitals to adjusting IVs, admiring their caring nature and gentle touch. I would have been elated to help out in any simple way: taking a trip to the gift shop, making a stop at the vending machine for coffee, or anything else.
Now, these things still hold true, and I realize that nursing is the career for me. Today, the role of nursing in health care is more important than ever. Nurses are, in a sense, in charge of a person's health; not just the specific medical issue at hand, but the entire person. Throughout my high school career, I've been interested in the sciences and the medical field. The reason that nursing appeals to me is that it connects the medical aspect with the holistic approach of caring for a patient, setting it apart from its close relative of medicine. What is most important in health care, if not the patient themselves? I can't imagine entering a profession not aimed at helping others. I have always been regarded as a responsible person. I have committed to my studies as a high school student. More than anything, I am passionate and dedicated with anything I do, and I know that these qualities would be reflected in my role as a nurse.

-very good foundation
-the intro sentences are a bit wordy/should be rewritten
-also i would look for a different word to replace meticulously
-also in the intro paragraph, i don't think "sharing activity" is necessary..i'm actually kind of confused by it.

Thanks emmanikole, whoever you are. ;) I have the edited version in the post before yours, though. Do you think I should completely eliminate the sharing part? I meant it to be somewhat funny or just draw attention to the fact that E.R. isn't the norm for kindergarteners...I just realized the term I mean...which is "show and tell"...the thing we always did in kindergarten.

Describe more about WHY YOU WANT TO BE A NURSE.
Don't give too much background information.

I also think that there are good ideas here. The best approach, I think, is to take the tow or three main ideas, write them in order, and then fill around them in two or three paragraphs, using what you've already got. Each paragraph can be six or seven sentences, and that will help with your word count. Keep your style, but just be more direct.

Revised:
[indent]Oddly enough, my favorite show as a kindergartener was "E.R." For all my life, I've been obsessed with the idea of hospitals, ambulances, medicine, and the like. I loved being in a hospital for doctor's appointments, for siblings' surgeries, or even when a relative was sick. At seven years old, my presence in a hospital equated to the joy of most other girls' presence in a Toys"R"Us. I would have been elated to help out in any simple way. Then, it was a feeling deep in my spine; a sensation that I belonged.
[indent]Last year, my cousin, who has a disease that causes one side of the body to be much smaller than the other, had jaw and facial surgery. While staying with her in the hospital, my childhood feelings became a reality. I was fascinated as I watched simple procedures like drawing of blood and re-bandaging, as well as more complex ones, like the placement of a PICC line, a central catheter inserted into the peripheral vein. I watched the doctors and nurses intently; interested in anything they did, from taking vitals to adjusting IVs. I admired their caring nature and gentle touch. I watched my childhood dreams come to life.
[indent]This year, I plan to volunteer at a local hospital to begin satisfying my lifelong urge to help out in a medical environment. My next step is a career in nursing. Today, with an aging population and an economy in recession, the role of nursing in health care is more critical than ever. Although I've considered various health care professions, due to my interest in science and the medical field, I believe that nursing is the best fit for me. It connects the medical aspect with the holistic approach of caring for a patient. Rather than treating solely the medical issue, nurses treat the affected person. This requires responsibility, which I exhibit through my daily activities, involving a rigorous academic schedule and numerous extracurricular activities. I realize that nursing careers are constantly changing, and my flexibility will accommodate this. More than anything, I am passionate and dedicated with everything I do, and I know that these qualities would be reflected in my role as a nurse.