University of Wisconsin Statement Essay, overcoming hardships

I wrote my college entrance essay. I need to know if it sounds good and answers the question good enough! This will help a lot thanks.

The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?


6 p.m. Feb. 4 1996, the phone rings. Upon relay of the news from the person on the other end, my mother in a surrealistic panic gathers her children and starts the 35 min commute to Menomonee Falls Memorial Hospital. This night will change the course of my entire family's life. Well, at least this is the story I'm told. At a mere three years old it's nearly impossible for me to remember much less comprehend the severity of such a situation. Through all of the confusion and uncertainties, one thing is positive. My father is still alive. It is amazing how one tiny artery gone array can make such a difference. He is now one of the 5% to survive what is called a ruptured brain aneurysm.

Though we are very fortunate for his miraculous survival something is glaringly apparent; he will never be the man he once was. For my mother her partner, the love of her life, is swiped away in an instant. I can imagine that despite the support and love of her friends and family she feels alone and scared. My brothers loose the many opportunities for lessons in male etiquette that only a father can present his sons. For me I miss the chance to even really meet the man who is my father. No longer will I become what is inevitable; a daddy's girl treated like a princess by the king himself. Like my brothers I am left to develop without the significant influence of a positive male figure.

This traumatic even has taught me to take on challenges and to be strong, because even when times get hard I know I can work through them. My family struggled to make payments from that point on, therefore I did not get to have all the materialistic things and trip opportunities that my friends got, but no matter what I brought a positive and fun attitude to all situations. I built up character which carried on throughout my years. I am very dedicated to sports and will always give an extra 10%. I've had a successful three years in track, qualifying for state in numerous events and making the podium. I have the determination to make it to state again in my senior year, with a state champ title at an arm's length away. My track coach quoted me as "one of the hardest working athletes and a pleasure to work with." Being the only one in my family attending a university I will bring my strength of mind and hard work ethics to your college.

I think you should specify that it's the University of Wisconsin instead of "your college"

Awesome! It is impressive that your coach said that about you. You know what this needs? An intro paragraph. It will be SO much better if you answer their question in a straightforward way at the start. So, add a paragraph BEFORE that first paragraph, so that the first para becomes the second para.

In the new first para, list the subjects covered in the essay. For each subject, name the "contribution" that it will enable you to make.

Let's see it!

"artery gone array" - gone awry

"my brothers loose the many opportunities" - should be "lose" not loose

This traumatic even has taught me - change "even" to event