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University of Texas Transfer Essay A ("cultural understanding")

eharvey03Threads: 3
Posts: 20 		Edited by: eharvey03  Jan 19, 09, 02:29pm   #1
Essay Prompt: Statement of Purpose
The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admission committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and the other application information cannot convey.


Essay:
I have seen first hand the power of cultural understanding. Working as an intelligence analyst in the most diverse province of Iraq I was almost forced to. If you don't know the people, their customs and beliefs you can not truly understand their issues and conflicts. This simple lesson had a great impact on me personally and professionally. Upon returning from Iraq I had made the decision to leave the military and to study foreign policy and foreign cultures with the goal of using these studies to help our government better understand and relate to other countries.
While serving in the United States Army I was stationed in Germany. There I had my first great opportunity to experience new cultures. I spent much of my time exploring. I shopped at the local market, traveled with German friends, cheered on the American (and some times German) world cup team, and even followed the race as Angela Merkel became Germany's first female chancellor. I knew that it was a rare opportunity to really live in a different country and I took advantage of it. I spent weekends traveling as far as a plane, a train or a days drive could get me. These experiences were invaluable. They have greatly improved my empathy and interest for different cultures.
As important as my years in Germany are to me, it wasn't until I was deployed to Iraq that a clear career path began to take shape. I worked in the Diyala Province, a province that extends north east of Baghdad to the Iranian border. Diyala is a unique area of Iraq. It is a fault line between Sunni, Shia and Kurdish cultures. Like most of Iraq the majority of the population in the province is Shia and generally influenced by neighboring Iran. However there is a strong Sunni heritage in several of the key cities and Kurdish families own major oil regions and transportation routes.
I quickly learned that these secular generalizations could not fully explain the true local issues. Day to day conflict inside the region could not be lumped into broader religious disagreements. I lived and worked with several Iraqi police and army members of varying age and rank. Most were Shia, however some were Sunni and Kurdish. Members of the different sects were absolutely tolerant of each other. Many friendships crossed religious boarders. It was clear from my discussions with them that local politics, competition between families, and a general desire for someone to assert power and provide safety were all causes of violence. Religious fervor rarely was.
This stark difference between the perceived motivation for violence and the actual causes was both startling and interesting. It meant the problem was much more complicated then some wanted to believe but also that there was hope to improve the situation. The problem was not some vague unaddressable religious doctrine. It was something that local US commanders could get involved with and improve. My work for the remainder of the deployment focused on breaking down the common generalizations about religious violence and increasing our commanders' understanding of local issues.
During that deployment I realized I was doing what I loved. Working to solve conflict through greater personal understanding of local issues was incredibly rewarding. I decided, however, that I needed to pause my career and focus on education. By attending a University full time I could get the well rounded and developed education I needed. With that education I hope to better help our country interact with an increasingly globalized world.



Any tips on grammar or style are appreciated.
 
EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3813 [Moderator] 		 Jan 20, 09, 12:48am   #2
This is already a really well-written and thoughtful essay. The prompt asks you to write an essay that will let the admissions officers get to know you, and you have accomplished that goal. The only weakness I can see is that the paragraph on Germany seems a bit out of place. Your introduction clearly indicates that you will be writing about your experiences in Iraq, and all of the rest of your essay after the second paragraph talks about your experiences in Iraq, so the second paragraph doesn't really fit with the topic you have chosen. You could either omit the paragraph, or possibly rework the introduction to make some reference to your German travels.

Sean, EssayForum.com
 
menamilad  Jan 20, 09, 09:19am   #3
what campus you are applying for..
did you use the "applytexas.com" ?
 
EF_KevinThreads: 12
Posts: 6546 [Moderator] 		Edited by: EF_Kevin  Jan 20, 09, 11:42am   #4
How about a comma or a dash here:

Working as an intelligence analyst in the most diverse province of Iraq -- I was almost forced to.

You might be able to combine the paragraph on Germany with the one that follows it and present them as milestones in your progress toward realizing your true calling, and the reason for your application to this university. That could tie it all together nicely.

Kevin, EssayForum.com
 
menamilad  Jan 21, 09, 11:19am   #5
how did you apply .. i am applying through www.applytexas.com but it doesnt require an essay :S
 
eharvey03Threads: 3
Posts: 20 		 Jan 22, 09, 09:58am   #6
Thanks Sean and Kevin. You're right I need to tweak it a bit for that second paragraph.

Menamilad; I'm applying to UT Austin through applytexas.org. If you log in to your account on that site there should be a tab that says "My Essays". This site has lots of helpful information also: bealonghorn.utexas.edu
 

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