University of Arizona Personal Statement

Does my essay answer the prompt well? is there anything i should eliminate/add/fix ..critiques will be greatly appreciated

Prompt:

A personal statement is our best means of getting to know you and your best means of putting your academic performance and activities in the context of your life. There are no "wrong" answers. When you write your personal statement, tell us about those aspects of your life that are not evident from your academic record. Because personal statements are brief, they usually focus on one aspect of a student's life. For example, you could focus on a character-defining moment, a cultural awareness, a challenge faced, family background or cultural heritage, individual talents, academic commitment, or extracurricular activities. Tell us what you would like us to know about you in considering you for admission and/or scholarships.
Please use the space below to provide your personal statement. If you choose to send additional pages, be sure to put your name and date of birth on the top of the page. Please limit your answer to fewer than 500 words. If you choose not to provide a personal statement, please be advised that we will be lacking important information about you.
Please type your full name, as listed when you started this application, at the beginning of each Short Response answer. Example, Wilbur J. Wildcat.




"I am among ...

SEE BELOW

childhood is one word :)

I ask myself, "when will I read my name in this book?"

This is excellent! I think this line is so powerful, you might consider putting it at the start in place of the curie quote: I once told my teacher that I will change the world; she replied laughing, "to better or to worse"?

I decided to pass on what I had learned to...

I think you should work with this in a word document and separate it into a list of ideas. For each new idea, hit "enter" in order to do a paragraph break, and then use cut/paste to see if you can find a better sequence. Right now, you seem to jump around a bit.

Th essay is great, your writing is great, and I think this will be a success! As you revise, try to make a very clear picture of your clear plan for the future... with details.

its 587 wordsa..maximum is 500 words.. I NEED HELP PLEAASEE

Once told my teacher that I will change the world; she replied laughing, "to better or to worse"? Unlike all other students in my grade, I have enjoyed the chemistry class more than the PE class. I have the dream of becoming a scientist. I enjoy science and chemical experiments. I am especially drawn to pharmacy, which is more practical than theoretical. I want my name to be written on the tablets of history. Whenever I encountered a scientific name and I read that it was named after its discoverer, I ask myself "when will I read my name in this book?" .I took my teacher's words as a motivation, and one day I would prove to her and the whole world that I will.
Since I was a young boy I loved the feeling of helping animals. One of my child hood dreams was having my own show on "Animal Planet". This love eventually developed into the love of helping people. To me, a pharmacist is a person who brings ease and comfort to people. On the other hand I enjoy studying Chemistry and Biology and I have scored straight "A"s in both subjects during high school. I chose Biochemistry as my intended major as it is a combination between both subjects together as it's the chemistry of the human body. In Biochemistry I would be able to explore God's miracles in his creation. On my grandfather's dying bed, his last wish was that I become a pharmacist. Of course I will never let him down. I don't want to be just an ordinary pharmacist but a one who will make a change.
I stumble on pleasure in extracurricular activities, working with a crowd always keeps me determined and motivated. For instance, I joined "Of People to People International" which is an organization where we work as one group to learn various aspects of a country ranging for government activities to sports. This activity helped me to understand the workings of different cultures around the world and has also helped in honing my leadership skills. Soccer too plays an important role in my life, as I have been training for the last eight years. I won the school league four times. As a matter of fact, I decided to pass on what I had learned to the next generation; therefore, I coached elementary students for soccer as an extracurricular activity.
I come from a society in which several cultures prosper; therefore I have learned to live with people of different ethnicities, religion and cultural backgrounds. In Egypt I was taught to deal with other perceptions and opinions with respect and harmony. Although I know it might sound unusual but it is something I do, I love to debate myself. I love to express one view and the opposing one. My focal talent is theatre acting, I tend to plant myself in a state of mind where I disregard my real identity & have the capability of disguising myself as the character which should be played.
It would be a pleasure to be able to merge with even more ethnicities, expand my social circle, and participate in sports and activities with Universities that give me an opportunity to express myself in order to enjoy my new life at Arizona. I want to accomplish my goals and harvest success. Graduation won't be the end for my education; it will be the beginning of the road of fulfilling my dream of being a successful pharmacist as my grandfather wanted.

The way to cut down the word count is to make the paragraphs more solid. That's why I suggested that you should break it up into ideas. For example your second paragraph starts off by talking about wanting to help animals and be on animal planet, but at the end you are talking about your grandfather's dying wishes. Each paragraph should be a SINGLE thought.

Well, a paragraph can involve a few thoughts, but it should have one main thought at its center.

Choose your themes for the paragraphs. Make a decision for each paragraph. When you know a paragraph's theme, make sure the first and last sentence are related. When you find sentences that are about different topics, move them to another paragraph or delete them.

It will be easy to get down within that word count.

" . . . for better or for worse"

"Unlike the other students in my grade, I have enjoyed the chemistry class more than the PE class"

"Whenever I encountered a scientific name and I read that it was named after its discoverer, "

To shorten your essay, you can cut some of the vague, general stuff that isn't that gripping anyway:

"Although I know it might sound unusual but it is something I do, I love to debate myself."

"I don't want to be just an ordinary pharmacist but a one who will make a change.
I stumble on pleasure in extracurricular activities, Working with a crowd always keeps me determined and motivated. "

Once told my teacher that I will change the world; she replied laughing, "to better or to worse"? Unlike all other students in my grade, I have enjoyed the chemistry class more than the PE class. I have the dream of becoming a scientist. I enjoy science and chemical experiments. I am especially drawn to pharmacy, which is more practical than theoretical. I want my name to be written on the tablets of history. Whenever I encountered a scientific name and I read that it was named after its discoverer, I ask myself "when will I read my name in this book?" .I took my teacher's words as a motivation, and one day I would prove to her and the whole world that I will.

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Once upon a time Mena told his teacher that he would change the world; she replied laughing, "for better or worse?" Personal pride and self-respect are powerful character qualities. If you tell one person they cannot do something, they might become despondent and hold that it must be true because someone else said it. This of course, all boils down to fortitude and a general declaration for whether you will live your life, or let others live it for you. I am immune to the exogenous pathological virus that subverts will, sows self-doubt, and grows a wilting plant bearing no fruit. So, that teacher in scoffing, helped me more than he/she could ever realize on the surface.

Besides coherence, chronology, novel delivery, and writing style, everything else is unimportant.

Oh, that's beautiful. Excellent job. You must write poetry, to be able to create this sort of rhythm and craft this sort of a metaphor. I'd have gone with three verbs that all describe activities characteristic of viruses, but that's a minor complaint. Bravo, and well done!

Haha, good point. There's a word/technical phrase for sure that describes incongruent metaphors, I just forgot its name. You're the second person after one of my past English teachers, to note it in my writing.

Now, if I could just remember the word..

I've always just heard it called "mixed metpahors," but it isn't all that difficult to fix:

I am immune to the exogenous pathological virus that saps the will, makes us feverish with self-doubt, and renders the creative mind barren.

Now it doesn't have as good a rhythm as your original though . . . but I bet you could fix it up a bit so it did, without too much effort.

That's the one.