UMD College Park Diversity Essay

This was my firtst stab at the essay it is a 300 word max this is 388. I'd like to receive any possible feedback on how I can make this "standout" more and not sound so typical. I am lacking the creativity, also a grammar check would be great...PLEASE any suggestions or comments would be GREATLY APPRICIATED!!!!!! Thanks!

2. The University of Maryland prides itself on being an inclusive community that celebrates differences, brings together people from the widest array of backgrounds and perspectives, and recognizes that excellence cannot be achieved without diversity. What do you look forward to gaining from the diversity of the University of Maryland community?

--Diversity is something that we all need be exposed to and have an appreciation for. It is a very powerful thing that can open doors and provide new life experiences. At the University of Maryland I look forward to learning from the diverse community. Diversity can teach you an array of new things. Students who come from all different backgrounds and lifestyles can share their experiences and allow you to learn from this.
I attend a high school that has a diverse community and personally have a very diverse group of friends which has been a wonderful opportunity. I have learned about different cultures, religions, traditions, lifestyles, and techniques through my diverse community and friends. I am an open minded individual who is always up for alternate ideas and ways to do things. Diversity can provide these.
My close friend, Pablo Said, was born in Argentina and came to the United States when he was only six years old to escape from the political instability in Argentina; he came with nothing. His parents now own their own cleaning business and his family has adapted magnificently to the very different, American lifestyle. They are truly living "The American Dream," they have been treated as equals and took advantage of a life-changing opportunity.
My old neighbor, Jay Irani, lived only a few houses down from me but lived a completely different life. Both of his parents were born in the Middle East nation of Pakistan but moved to the Unites States in their late twenties. Up to this day they still exercise many traditions and techniques that they grew up with in Pakistan. His parents have very high expectations for their son when it comes to school; everyday he must dedicate at least two hours to his academics. They were very strict when it came to religion; it was the most significant thing in their lives. This lifestyle was far from mine but taught me a lot about their culture and it shows that it effective as Jay is always receiving top honors in all of his courses
Already in my seventeen years I have gotten the chance to learn life lessons that have led me to excellence in various fields. I'd like to continue this opportunity and gain additional knowledge through the diverse community at the University of Maryland.

Try to bring the essay back to yourself and talk more about a specific experience rather than tell about people you know. Maybe tell about a single time you spent at one of those friends' houses. Also- make the story unique, tell about yourself and make yours an essay that no one else could write.
I'm also applying here!
Hope I could help a little!
Good luck!

You are not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition. It is a nitpicking sort of rule, but you might as well obey it in this kind of essay:
Diversity is something to which we all need be exposed and for which we should all have appreciation.

Actually, the first few sentences are sort of weak, because they are just statements of the obvious. I think you should start here:
Students who come from diverse backgrounds and lifestyles can share their experiences, and we can learn from one another. I attend a high school with a multifaceted, colorful class of students and personally...

Hey, the personal anecdotes are great!! I think the last paragraph should be a little longer, though. Just a little more reflection in that last paragraph.

try including how diversity will help with your future occupation that could help

I agree with EF_Kevin; extend the reflection on the last paragraph. Maybe you can site things about UMD that is diverse and that particularly intrigues you.

Please read mine:

Hyun Young, you should give a little more time to offering ideas here if you want this person to look at yours. You have important ideas to contribute, too!

I see that you gave some GREAT feedback in other threads.