UIUC essay #2, please proof read (Being in an orchestra)

Did I answer the question? What do you think I could add or delete? Please check for grammar mistakes.


ESSAY #2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

Being in an orchestra wasn't really my dream. From what I had seen on TV, orchestras are too serious and unoriginal, all the musicians could do was follow instructions but no expressing their own musical characters. So when my piano teacher recommeneded me to play piano and percussion for the YOSC (Youth Orchestra South Canterbery), I hesitated.
I'd agreed to go to one rehearsal and decide for myself, and that rehearsal had made me stay, for 3 years. The atmosphere wasn't serious at all, all the young musicians were friendly, so was the conductor. The musicians were allowed to make contributions about how they thought the pieces should be played, and there were a big selection of biscuits and juice during the break. It was also more challenging than I thought. I had to sight read all the music on the spot and it was hard to follow the score sometimes, but no one blamed me when I made an mistake which was very encouraging. Two hours of rehearsal time passed really fast, and by the end of the rehearsal, I couldn't think of a better way to spend a Friday night.
During the 3 years I was in YOSC, we performed in many churches and high schools, toured around south canterbery and held christmas concerts every year. I enjoyed every momment of it. The orchestra had polished me as a musician: I got better on the piano and learnt to play orchestral percussions like timpani and vibraphone, I learnt to compromise and understand other musicians.Most of all, we brought enjoyment to everyone that loves music in the community: there is nothing more satisfying than being on stage receiving claps, knowing that all our hard work had paid off.

Here is UIUC essay #1. Same as above:Did I answer the question? What do you think I could add or delete? Please check for grammar mistakes.

ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals.

I was in year 11 when I first studied accounting as a subject. Before that, accounting to me was just a whole lot of number-crunching, but after studying it I feel that accounting is much more than just working with numbers, it's about people. It's my nature to help people and studying accounting helped me to find a way to help financially. I believe money is one of the biggest problems people have these days. Most people seek help from someone with accounting expertise at some stage of their lives. Being able to help people keep track of there income and expenses, to advice them on how to spend or invest wisely, is what an accountant could do and what I'd love to do.
I may not be the smartest student in my accounting classes but I am the one that asks most questions. I'm passionate about studying accounting and everything related to it because it will become more than what I do, but who I am: someone that's enthusiastic about helping others and has chosen a career she believes is the best way for her to contribute to the society.
I believe UIUC could provide me with the best undergraduate accounting education I could possibly get. I may pursuit another business degree after or go straight into work, either way, I will eventually achieve my goal of helping others with my profession.

Being in an orchestra wasn't really my dream. From what I had seen on TV, orchestras are too serious and unoriginal; the musicians have to follow instructions and cannot express their own musical characters. So when my piano teacher recommended that I play piano and percussion for the Youth Orchestra South Canterbery (YOSC), I hesitated.

Yes, you certainly answered the prompt very well with this first one.

For the second essay:

Before that, accounting to me had just been a whole lot of number-crunching, but after studying it I realized that accounting is much more than just working with numbers. It is about people. It's my nature to help people, and studying accounting helped me to find a way to help financially. I believe that money is...


...I may not be the smartest student in my accounting classes, but I am the one that asks most questions. I'm passionate about studying accounting, and ...

This is very thoughtful. It is good that you went beyond accounting to reflect on how it is meaningful.

Remember, when you write a compound sentence, separate the two sentences with a comma!
:)

Thank you so much Kevin, for proof readn this for me in the weekend.
I really needed the help since the deadline is like next week lol
Thank you :)

just one more question, in the UIUC app there's a collum that says:Is there any additional information that you feel we should be aware of while reviewing your application, including extenuating circumstances that affected your academic record?

Should I put in this paragraph? Do you think it would be helpful to my application??

One thing that the admission office shoud keep in mind is that I spent most of my high school years studying in New Zealand-an english speaking country, while my first language is chinese. I had transferred to a different school for my last high school year, the sudden change of environment and people had more or less affected my academic record. Yet my final exam result is not avaliable until mid January, so it is still early to judge my academic ability.

Overall pretty good but don't forget to capitalize!

"toured around South Canterbery and held Christmas concerts every year."

With the additional info part I think you should include because I'm going to do the same as well. I moved to a different country for my last year so I've written up a short letter explaining what's happened and why my grades may have dipped early this year. They ask for any info "including any extenuating circumstances which may have affected your academic history" which is where we fall under. :)

Hope this helps!

thanx priscilla!

OH NO! I didn't realize I put 'an' when I was supposed to put 'a' until after I submitted!!!!!!
Will that like mark me down or sumthn????

I plan to use the same essay for Penn State, of course I'll chance some of it, but think it'll fit??
CAREER GOALS Include a brief statement of your plans for the field of study you wish to pursue. This should include your reasons for studying your chosen field, your intended areas of specialization within this field, and a brief description of the career you plan to follow after completing this course of study in Penn State. (Within 250 words)

PERSONAL STATEMENT Please use the space below to tell us about your preparations for college. Explain any interruptions in your schooling, e.g., military service or employment. Please tell us about your important time commitments other than academic work (for example, school organizations, jobs, the arts, services, and athletics). (Within 300 Words)

One point that I wish to bring to the attention of those who consider my application is that I spent most of my high school years studying in New Zealand -- an English-speaking country -- while my first language is Chinese. I had transferred to a different school for my last high school year, and the sudden change of environment and people affected my academic record. My final exam result is not available until mid-January, so it is still too early to judge my academic ability. I have overcome my language barrier with great success, and now I am prepared to succeed at your fine institution!

This is good to include!

:)