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Essay Forum / Undergraduate Admission Essays /

UCLA/UCB Personal Statement. I need constructive critism and help w/ editing


Edited by: Moderator  Apr 26, 09, 11:03pm  #
Michael Fahmy
SEE BELOW

Michael Fahmy
 
EF_Sean [Moderator]
  Apr 27, 09, 06:49am  #
Not bad. I like the personal anecdote that forms the basis for the bulk of the essay. Why do you use the Calculus class frame, though? It doesn't really add anything important to your main point. Perhaps you could cut the frame, and use the extra space to talk more about how the experience of seeing David affected you emotionally. You have a moving narrative, followed by a fairly intellectual discussion of its effects on you -- why not show the reader how moved you were in between?

Sean, EssayForum.com
 
  Apr 27, 09, 11:06am  #
I was trying to incorporate calculus somehow but I couldn't find a way. Any suggestions?

Michael Fahmy
 
  Apr 27, 09, 02:52pm  #
Michael Fahmy
"Hello! How was everyone's summer" Professor Critelli asked with a small smirk. A great sense of fatigue floated about. Booom! Booom! Large bells signaled noon. The first day of calculus class had just begun, and amongst forty adults, my fragile-like body suggested I was merely a boy. When my turn came to share my summer, all eyes were turned downward towards my seat. Shrunken in my chair, I opened with a brief sigh and nervously stood up. "Hey, my name is Michael Fahmy, I occupied my summer volunteering at the Little Company of Mary Hospital where assisting medical professionals, running errands for staff, and comforting patients summarized the bulk of my vacation". Relieving myself from glaring eyes impacting me into the ground, I sat down.
I was journeying into the past. Throughout my services there, I visited the emergency room only once; an unforgettable and meaningful event. During what appeared to be an ordinary day, a general practitioner sent me with paperwork (regarding insurance) to the ER for authorization. Preparing for home, I grabbed my bag and walked downstairs briskly.
Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! Exiting the staircase, sirens tore into my ears, progressively approaching closer and closer. Soon, sliding doors were making way for paramedics rushing in with a terribly ill adolescent. They reported the boy collapsed in his bedroom prior receiving a call from his parents. The two anxiously explained he had been complaining from severe headaches, extensive periods of dizziness, and problems concerning memory. Awaiting approval for the paperwork, curiosity directed me to educate myself on the patient.
"David! Hang in there baby!" The distressed mother repeated several times advancing from across the room. Arriving moments later, looking deeply terrified, David's father recognized his pale-faced son. Paramedics promptly transported the child onto a large machine for extensive MRI testing. While closely examining David, staff tried relieving the parents of tension, with their mental health in mind.
Beeeeeeeeep! The MRI had finished. After examining David's cranium internally, doctors determined he needed one final test. Within minutes, he received computed tomography scans of his head. At that point, a beautiful, young doctor carefully revealed she had discovered something interesting. Feeling flattered, nothing could've prepared him for what followed. "Honey, I'm afraid you have brain cancer". Realizing the situation, David paused as tears made way down his immobilized face. The neurologist ushered his parents into her office to discuss the catastrophe. David's parents didn't comprehend. A nurse gently explained the situation in Spanish. Both parents were crushed as sadness massacred their optimism and faint hope. My heart dropped, denting the concrete below me. Imagery of dark realities clouded my mind.
I shifted my attention towards Professor Critelli as he paced himself back and forth while introducing his life story. He incredibly managed to explain sixty years of life within the matter of minutes. Coincidently as he concluded, large bells suggested an hour had passed and class finished. I immediately left without looking back.
Heading towards my Honda Accord, I started to contemplate the world around me, my future, and David's life. I'm sure everyone has heard the phrase "life is short", but millions, even billions, still manage to ignore the statement's significance. I learned an important lesson that day changing the way I would think forever. Life is precious and time can't be wasted. If anyone fully my realization, it was David who had his life ripped away from under him. I understand time cannot be wasted because at any given moment, a tragedy could compromise someone's full lifespan. From that point, my life has been sacrificed for the well-being of others with diseases. Some day, after being diagnosed with cancer, I envision people won't have to worry because a cure will have been already found. I wish to participate in this honorable journey to provide humanity with a cure, as well as another chance.

Michael Fahmy
 
EF_Kevin [Moderator]
  Apr 27, 09, 09:14pm  #
"Hello! How was everyone's summer?" Professor Critelli asked...

Relieving myself from glaring eyes driving me...

They reported the boy collapsed in his bedroom prior receiving a call from his parents. ---"Prior" means "before." How did he receive the call if he had collapsed?


sixty years of life within a matter of minutes.

I like it! I like your style, and the sound effects -- wee-ooh! You are unique.

Kevin, EssayForum.com
 
EF_Sean [Moderator]
  Apr 27, 09, 10:58pm  #
Why? I mean, why are you trying to incorporate Calculus? Surely your admissions package includes a transcript that shows that you took the course. At the moment, the frame isn't really relevant to the story, and shows only that you are bit shy in terms of giving the admissions officers additional information about you. This doesn't seem particularly useful to your cause, so I stand by my original suggestion.

Sean, EssayForum.com
 
  Apr 28, 09, 04:15pm  #
EF_Sean:
Why? I mean, why are you trying to incorporate Calculus? Surely your admissions package includes a transcript that shows that you took the course. At the moment, the frame isn't really relevant to the story, and shows only that you are bit shy in terms of giving the admissions officers additional information about you. This doesn't seem particularly useful to your cause, so I stand by my original suggestion.

Well i kept the intro but changed the last part:

Heading towards my car, I started to contemplate the world around me, my future, and David's life. I'm sure everyone has heard the phrase "life is short", but millions, even billions, still manage to ignore the statement's significance. I learned an important lesson that day changing the way I would think forever. Life is precious and time can't be wasted. If anyone who fully realized, it was David who had his life ripped away from under him. I understand time cannot be wasted because at any given moment, a tragedy could compromise someone's full lifespan. From that point, my life has been sacrificed for the well-being of others with diseases. Some day, after being diagnosed with cancer, I envision people won't have to worry because a cure will have been already found. I wish to participate in this honorable journey to provide humanity with a cure, as well as another chance.

Michael Fahmy
 
  Apr 28, 09, 06:51pm  #
wooops i meant to show you this part instead:
I shifted my attention towards Professor Critelli as he paced himself back and forth while introducing his life story. He incredibly managed to explain sixty years of life within a matter of minutes. Coincidently as he concluded, large bells suggested an hour had passed and class finished. I immediately left without looking back.

Michael Fahmy
 
EF_Kevin [Moderator]
  Apr 29, 09, 08:22am  #
Coincidently, as he concluded his speech the ringing bells suggested...

That is what came to mind for me.

Kevin, EssayForum.com
 
  Apr 30, 09, 02:14pm  #
do you think they'll care about comma splices?

Michael Fahmy
 
EF_Kevin [Moderator]
  Apr 30, 09, 11:24pm  #
I think comma splices are not good for this kind of essay, because you are trying to show off your writing ability. You don't want to let them think your use of poetic license was actually an error. It's better to just include a conjunction to be safe. What part of the essay are you talking about?

Kevin, EssayForum.com
 
  May 1, 09, 05:51pm  #
EF_Kevin:
I think comma splices are not good for this kind of essay, because you are trying to show off your writing ability. You don't want to let them think your use of poetic license was actually an error. It's better to just include a conjunction to be safe. What part of the essay are you talking about?

well throughout my essay i use alot of comma splices, havent you noticed?

Michael Fahmy
 
EF_Sean [Moderator]
  May 1, 09, 05:59pm  #
No, you don't. You use a lot of comma clauses, which is fine. I suggest you look up "comma splice" to make sure you understand the term.

Sean, EssayForum.com
 
  May 8, 09, 04:35am  #
I totally agree with Sean,
Although I love Michael's style, love the way he told about his story, I still think that the Calculus class frame is not suitable with his all essay..I mean it doesn't work out, sr
However, fairly, the essay is great!!^^

Shine Lee
 
EF_Kevin [Moderator]
  May 8, 09, 11:32am  #
A comma splice is when you use a comma where a period should go. It is a run-on sentence. I didn't see any of those in your essay, but I may have just missed them.

This is a comma splice: I didn't see any of those in your essay, I may have just missed them. In sentences like that, it does not seem right to use a period, because the independent clauses go together. That's what semi-colons are for:

I didn't see any of those in your essay; I may have just missed them.

Or a conjunction (and, but, or): I didn't see any of those in your essay, but I may have just missed them.

Kevin, EssayForum.com
 
  May 8, 09, 12:07pm  #
ok so i finished 1 part of my personal statement then. time to address the second prompt which basically asks to me explain an experience that has made me the type of person I am. I'm thinking about writing the essay about my first airplane flight. It has to be at most 350 words because the essay above is 650 and UCs have a 1000 word limit.

Michael Fahmy
 
EF_Sean [Moderator]
  May 9, 09, 07:01am  #
Hmmmm . . . was your first airplane flight really that important to you? Try to pick an experience that demonstrates a particular value or quality that you think of as defining you. It's extremely difficult to give you more detailed advice without seeing a draft, unfortunately. If you are having trouble deciding on an experience, you could try asking friends and relatives what experiences they think you would talk about. That might yield some interesting results.

Sean, EssayForum.com
 

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