UC Essay (Describe the world you come from – your family, community or school)

Comments & criticism always welcome! Thank you for taking the time to read this (:

Describe the world you come from – for example, your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
A young woman just concluded fourteen strenuous hours of flight from Hong Kong and the bustling city of Los Angeles has been waiting for her arrival. At the age of sixteen, the sights and sounds of this metropolitan city were foreign to her. This woman, who had left her mother behind to pursue the esteemed American dream, looked at the hundreds of people wandering throughout the airport knowing that this would be her new home. She was determined to thrive in her new environment through diligence, persistence, and motivation. Fast forward a few years and she had graduated from a university and obtained an internship at Kenneth Leventhal, a prestigious accounting firm. While balancing her family duties and acquiring her certification to be a public accountant, she was gradually climbing the ladder of success. This woman, who never gave up her ambitions and sacrificed so many things for the benefit of others, is my beloved mother.
Throughout my childhood, my mother would always recount the details of her inspiring journey to America to me. At such a young age, I did not fully understand how arduous her life had been. However, as I grew up and witnessed the stressful look in her eyes, I began to apprehend and appreciate all of her efforts.
During the summer of my junior year, I began an internship at a private homebuilder's tax where my mom is employed. This was an exciting opportunity as I got a look into the real world of business and accounting. Furthermore, I was able to soar into the professional aspect of life. By the end of the first week, I was enervated and barely survived the conventional eight hour workday. On the other hand, my mom kept going strong for ten hours, even neglecting her lunch break. As she came home and dropped her briefcase, her second job commenced as she prepared dinner. Knowing that she had just returned form a chaotic day at work, I would help in any way possible, something that I scarcely did before my internship.
My mother's adventure to America and her steps toward success will always influence me. Moreover, her unique formula to success will be cherished forever. As I begin my own journey to unfamiliar places and foreign ideas, I am willing to accept any challenge and overcome the obstacles headed my way. As I follow the footsteps of my mother, I will be a determined individual who will prosper through the same ways she did: perseverance, endurance and an indefatigable drive to be unsurpassed.

This is a well-written piece, but since it is a college essay about you, it could use a little improvement. It's great that you mention your mother's skills and accomplishments, but you do too much of it. Focus more on how they influenced you.

"My mother's adventure to America and her steps toward success will always influence me."
This should be the main topic of the essay, not the conclusion. Paragraphs 1 and 2 should be squeezed into one paragraph and use the remainder of the 500 words to specifically mention how and show examples of you "willing to accept any challenge and overcome the obstacles headed my way."

Here is a revised version. Any other suggestions? Also, mods how do i remove the essay once I submit the application? do i just use the "edit" link and delete it? THanks!

My elongated and flexible fingers move gracefully over the 88 keys of the piano as I execute a classical Mozart piece. As the song progresses, my fingers slip and produce the wrong note. I am determined to perfect this song so I start the song all over again. This time however, I play a certain note too many times. I shake my head in frustration as I attempt the piece again. My mom witnesses my dissatisfaction and calmly tells me: nothing is easy.
These three words have constantly stuck with me and shape the way I approach my work ethic. My mother's adventure to America and her steps toward success will always influence me. She has had a first-hand experience of what self-discipline can do for you. Throughout my childhood, my mother would always recount the details of her inspiring journey to America to me. At such a young age, I did not fully understand how arduous her life had been. Coming to America at the age of sixteen to pursue the esteemed American dream, she was determined to thrive in her new environment through diligence, persistence, and motivation.
During the summer of my junior year, I began an internship at the corporation where my mom is currently employed. Initially, I was foreign to the concepts of business and accounting. Using her unique approach, my mom taught me the fundamental principles of the tax forms. However, she did not treat me like her beloved son. Instead, I was viewed as another coworker as she showed no sympathy. Whenever I had made mistakes or couldn't elucidate my input errors, I was given the same three words – "nothing is easy."
As I begin my own journey to unfamiliar places and foreign ideas, I am willing to accept any challenge and overcome the obstacles headed my way. My competitive nature will allow me to succeed as I understand that hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard. Following the footsteps of my mother, I will be a determined individual who will prosper through the same ways she did: perseverance, endurance, and an indefatigable drive to be unsurpassed.

As the song progresses, my fingers slip and produce the wrong note. I am determined to perfect this song, so I start the song all over again.

My mom witnesses my dissatisfaction and calmly reminds me: "Nothing is easy."

"...to America to me" sounds funny:
Throughout my childhood, my mother would always recount for me the details of her inspiring journey to America. to me.

Like this maybe?

My competitive nature will enable me to succeed...

...through the application of the same principles practiced by my mother: perseverance, endurance, and an indefatigable drive to be unsurpassed. (Maybe these principles should be mentioned at the start of the essay, too, so that it is balanced. Those words will become the theme of the essay)