UC Application Personal Statement "Timidity"

UC prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What aobut this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

"Timidity" was the word ...

SEE BELOW


Any comments or recommendations would be appreciated
Please feel free to comment on anything that you regard as awkward or is unfit to the prompt
Thank You:))))

Hello!! =)

First of all, I think it was a very well-written essay. Overall you conveyed your ideas pretty well, and did a good job of putting your personal quality in a positive light. It seems like you really took time to realize your potential despite what some might see as a flaw.

Anyway, there were a few areas where I thought there could be changes.. mostly in grammar and stuff. Of course, it's up to you whether or not you want to implement the changes; I'm just giving a few ideas that might improve the language and natural flow of the essay. I highlighted my changes in red.

"Timidity" was the word that best described me as a child. I was not a fan of active interactions with others, and I preferred solitude to companionship. Lacking in confidence, I was also afraid of addressing (removed "before") a large crowd of people. This lack of social activeness resulted in others' negligence of me, since I hardly expressed my viewpoint on any issues and was reluctant to argue in defense of my opinion. I was disappointed by my inability to fully convey my thoughts and longed to be confident in what I believed in. I secretly envied those who had both confidence and the belief that they were fully capable of becoming leaders. ("To be in charge of others" seemed a little redundant.
However, my mindset (train of thought does not seem like the right term to use here, since a train of thought suggests something fleeting and temporary rather than permanent) began to change gradually.My initial perception of confidence was perfectly and entirely positive, but, as I became more aware of people's excessive amount of it, I realized that it was not so. When carried to an extreme degree, it hardly left room for further self-improvement, because it submerged one in uncontrolled pride or self-assurance. On the other hand, since I did not have many chances to demonstrate my knowledge and opinions before others, I strived consistently (maybe you might want to say "constantly" instead of "consistently" to achieve more than them, anticipating (removed "for") an opportunity to demonstrate (removed "before others of")my accomplishments. This eventually helped me to become a more knowledgeable person than I could have been, and made me a rather quiet figure who worked behind-the-scenes and who did not overtly display his skills before others. My timidity also provided me with another valuable lesson: popularity was only a tangible part in many cases (I was a bit confused with this sentence. Popularity was only a tangible part of what?. Inner integrity, on the other hand, was rarely an apparent value; it manifested itself quietly and subtly, but a thousand times more beneficially. By avoiding superficiality and pretense, I was able to concentrate my efforts on developing my inner values. I exempted myself from foolish and meaningless conversations that were insignificant in their nature, and spent my time more wisely on more valuable issues.
This is not to say that lack of confidence is a beneficial characteristic in all scenarios. In fact, it does in many cases result in hindrance of significant ideas or opinions that may give rise to vital improvements or progress. However, in my case, this produced quite a desirable effect of humbleness. Although this may seem like a justification of my weakness, I believe that I would have been haughty if I were to fully express myself and enforce my view on others. My rather quiet personality aided in various aspects of my life by making me a modest person who knew what to do at the right moment.


It was a good essay, but at times it was a bit superfluous in terms of vocabulary;ddddd and it could have been condensed into fewer words at parts. A longer essay is not necessarily a better one. Also, be careful with word choice and word order.

Good luck! I know you'll do well. Hope I helped =)

UCs look for people that can contribute to their schools. They are like communities. I don't exactly think this fits that criteria. You should probably look into yourself for other qualities. Im am not saying your qualities are bad, but your taking your chances on this one.
here are my suggestions...

Im not the best of writers or readers so do of this as you will:

this sentence is too long and awkward, im pretty sure you can shorten it or split it into more sentences:

I secretly envied those who were confident of themselves and who believed that they were fully capable of becoming leaders to be in charge of others.

what do you mean by this?



If you can give examples and try to be concrete with what you say.



what were these aspects that were aided?
what is a right moment?
you talking about yourself and that's it.
give back up to what you are saying.