U of wisconsin essay - "knowledge is boundless"

Hii..could you please check my essay to see if it sounds alright in terms or content and grammar?? Check the tenses if possible, coz i always mess those up...Also, cud u suggest synonyms for words that are in brackets?? and let me know how the essay is overall...Thnx!! :)

The University of Wisconsin values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially.

In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?


I strongly believe that knowledge is boundless. I developed this perception as young girl entering high school. I was a keen child interested in gaining knowledge of any kind. As I went further down the lane, I managed to carve particular interests I wanted to focus on. At school, the fields of business and accounting always drew my attention. As I hail from a business oriented family, these subjects ignite within me a passion and a sense of dedication like nothing else. Someday, I hope to run my own company through which I hope to make a difference in the world. However, my interest in the business world is tempered by an awareness of the world outside it.

I got a taste of the outside world when I joined the Duke of Edinburgh program in my freshman year. It is a program through which I sharpened my communication skills and played a part in serving the community. As a member, I participated in several activities, but it was the time I spent interacting with people I consider most valuable. In my sophomore year, my school organized a trip to Malaysia. The first destination on our itinerary was the Angels Children Home. It comprised of a two-story building which sheltered about twenty children. It is at that place where I met Ezra, the girl who instilled so much wisdom in me. Her life was filled with extreme transformations; yet, she constantly wore a smile and was thankful for every new day life handed her. It was at that time when I realized age is no boundary to learn or teach. Through her story, Ezra reminded me of the importance of living in the moment and not always in some ill-defined future. I came home to appreciate my parents, my friends and everything I ever took for granted. Ever since, I have been committed to visiting as many places and lend an ear to people who need it. Every person I met along the way shaped my perspectives and helped me mature.

Studying in University of Wisconsin, which has a culturally diverse environment, will enable me to understand different people and their ways of life. While learning, I will to contribute to the community by sharing knowledge about my life experiences. I hope to spread my passion and fervor for business as a subject and encourage people to eagerly pursue their field of interest. With my care for the community, I wish to make a positive impact on the people I meet. I hope to be the Ezra in every person's life.

It was comprised of a two-story building which sheltered about twenty children.

It was there that I met Ezra, the girl who instilled so much wisdom in me.

It was at that time that I realized age is no boundary to learning or teaching.


Ever since, I have been committed to visiting many places and lending an ear to people who need it.

Nice last sentence!

:)

Kevin

Heyy...I wrote another one...i felt this answers more of the question...

The University of Wisconsin values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially.
In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Life is a journey, and a very interesting one at that. I am an Indian girl who was raised in Dubai, far away from my native country and isolated from all my relatives. Perhaps this unique upbringing created my vigorous imagination as a child — I pictured myself as an astronaut sweeping across the starry skies, as a supermodel whose style and fame takes her past all regulations. What ultimately became my ambition in life began, in fact, when I was six years old.
I come from a conservative family. As a high school student, my ultimate dream was to fly half way across the world to gain an exceptional education. However, my parents had something else planned for me. In my family, it was as rare as god's fallibility for a girl to go abroad for higher education and live independently.

As I never settle for mediocrity, I decided to take it up as a challenge to show my parents that I deserve a chance to fulfill my aspirations. I did not want to be one of those girls who got married early and depended on their husbands for everything. {{So with an 'anything is possible' attitude, I decided to work towards the only dream I ever had. I started off by getting organized and setting clear objectives to follow. I aimed for a high class rank and worked diligently towards achieving it. }}

In addition to academics, I participated in a load of extra-curricular activities. At that point in time, I found it difficult to juggle between art and ice-skating lessons, rehearse for dance shows and plays, and to keep track of my academics. Nonetheless, I attended every lesson, performed in every show, and also managed to maintain my academic standard. My parents finally noticed my commitment towards my goal. After seeing my transformation, my parents decided that getting a hold of my dream might just be the best thing for me. Therefore, they found other ways to ensure my security and gave me the chance to explore myself in university abroad.

This is just a small part of my journey. Through my story, I would like to inspire others to believe passionately in their dreams and work dedicatedly towards fulfilling it. Similarly, I will bring my entire eighteen years of life experience to university through which I hope to make a difference in someone's life. The University of Wisconsin is recognized for its diverse and amicable atmosphere. Having grown up in Dubai, I have been a part of a very diverse culture. I am thrilled to learn from the experiences of others while contributing to the community by sharing my own. Interacting with people in a culturally diverse environment will enable me to understand different people and their ways of life. With a friendly attitude and a smiling disposition, I hope to carve a niche in the hearts of many and make my presence felt within the university.


Let me know if this one is better...also, can you please re-phrase the sentence in brackets? Overall, how is the essay? does it answer the prompt? Thank you very much! :)