u of m-why choose to major in business?

Since I was young, I have always felt an intimate attachment toward the field of business. The very fact that almost every aspect of lives is based upon sound businesses has rendered me to appreciate the field of business and explore it. Business is pivotal in our world because it deals with to managing people, capitals, and finances. But what has mesmerized me the most is that business has the ability to change the world.
As our generation progresses toward future, economy becomes more globalized, making businesses more active players on the world stage. They are not only becoming institutions going after profits but also groups that make our community healthier. They make generous donations to build schools and hospitals. In other words, businesses are acting as leaders in stabilizing the lives of those who are financially unstable.
When I first approached the field of business, I had the wrong idea that businesses exist only to make money. Now I am different. I am very well aware that sound businesses are the cornerstones of a nation since many of them play parts in helping alter those economies and people in bad shape into healthy ones. As I become more educated and trained in the field of business, I wish to be a part of the system of upbringing social prosperity. Furthermore, by focusing my studies on business, I yearn to spread my knowledge of business across the world and even go beyond by founding my own business school.



Please help me improve my essay!:)

Hey,

Maybe take out the "Since I was young" just because it sounds fine without it considering you included the word "always."

"Business is pivotal in our world because it deals with to managing people"... take out that "to" obviously but make sure its fixed before you send it!

I think you should put "toward THE future." It sounds better.

"As our generation progresses toward future, economy becomes more globalized, making businesses more active players on the world stage." This sounds confusing..

Don't say "they," referring to businesses, too often.

Instead of "Now I am different. I am very well aware that sound businesses..." Maybe just say, "But now, I am very well aware..."


I'm sorry to be so critical but I would love someone to help me this much on my essays! :) It's very good though, I love the motion of your essay.

-Alexa