U of Illinois #1 (My fascination with the business world)

Hii...please proof read it and check for grammatical errors. Also, do i relate well to the topic? Should i talk more about my goals? Please let me know if the sentence in brackets sounds fine..Thank you!! :)

In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals.

My fascination with the business world began when I started to watch the business channel with my dad at breakfast. Every morning, we would have different discussions about the way his business operated. Aware of my growing curiosity, he decided to test me as an intern in his company. I shadowed my father everyday, eyeing his every move and noting his every action. Having watched my dad run his company, I believe I had picked up good entrepreneurial skills. As I observed him be at the forefront of every activity, I imagined having a similar future where I would stand as the brains behind every operation in my own company.

My inclination towards pursuing a career in entrepreneurship directed me towards studying commerce-oriented subjects like business and accounting. As I explored these subjects, I built a core understanding of business concepts and book-keeping methods. However, it was the moment I was chosen as the key-note speaker of the school for the Annual Business Fair that defined me as a leader. People looked up to me and respected my views. That day, I realized that being a future entrepreneur will give me the power to implement change. Since then, I have been the head of several group projects and each experience has improved my leadership finesse.

It is at the University of Illinois where I will transform from an ordinary to an extraordinary leader. The world renowned faculty will help me sharpen my skills in analytical problem solving and quantitative decision making. I also plan to be involved in the Academy for Entrepreneurial Leadership which will allow me to put theoretical knowledge into practice through workshops and public discussions.{{ Through a fleet of erudite experiences, I hope to emerge a confident entrepreneur, adequately prepared to lead my own company to great heights. }}

I shadowed my father everyday, eying his every move and noting his every action. Having watched my dad run his company, I believe I have picked up good entrepreneurial skills. As I observed him at the forefront of every activity, I imagined having a similar future where I would stand as the brains behind every operation in my own company.


It is at the University of Illinois that I will transform into an extraordinary leader. The world-renowned faculty will help me sharpen my skills in analytical problem solving and quantitative decision making. I also plan to be involved in the Academy for Entrepreneurial Leadership which will allow me to put theoretical knowledge into practice through workshops and public discussions. Through a fleet of erudite experiences, I hope to emerge as a confident entrepreneur, adequately prepared to lead my own company to great heights.

That last sentence is great!

God luck!!

:)