U of Illinois application essay (the local church worship team in Korea)

please review my essay-grammarical fixes and comments welcome

<In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it>

I joined in the local church worship team in Korea when I was in 9th grade. At first, I was very reluctant to accept the offer when the team leader asked me to play flute since I was not comfortable performing in front of people. However, I just decided to give it a try. I was very nervous and worried about making mistakes but my anxiety vanished after a couple of performances and I began to enjoy communication with people through music.


However, being the member of the worship team was not easy. Not only I had to put lots of efforts to prepare for the Sunday worship but also I had to dedicate my Saturday night for the team practice. Then why I continue with it?


It is true that myriads of practice might have worn me down. Nevertheless, when I was on the stage to lead the worship, my face lit up and I felt joy spreading through my body; all my complaints and weary thoughts just disappeared. On the stage, I could not find a shy girl once afraid of making mistakes but there was a girl who actually enjoyed performing in front of people. In addition, it was quite an amazing experience to see several distinct voices make a pleasant harmony.


Although I am now in American and I am unable to perform at my Korean church, I am playing flute as a member of school worship team and having a blessed time. Participating in the worship team has given and is giving me valuable lessons such as the importance of believing in myself and the greatest mistake that I often made was to continuously fearing to making one.

I am not sure..but hav you exceeded 300 word limit??

Well, if you still have some room, I guess you really need to show us readers the CHANGE: How did your shyness vanish? ....'cause I think this is something you need to elaborate more on.

This is only my personal opinion, though.
Good luck!

At first, I was very reluctant to accept the offer when the team leader asked me to play the flute, since I was not comfortable performing in front of people.

I was very nervous and worried about making mistakes, but my anxiety vanished after a couple of performances and I began to enjoy communication with people through music.


However, being a member of the worship team was not easy. Not only did I have to put lots of effort to prepare for the Sunday worship, but also I had to dedicate my Saturday nights to team practice. Then why did I continue with it?


On the stage, I could not find the shy girl once afraid of making mistakes, but there was a girl who actually enjoyed performing in front of people. In addition, it was quite an amazing experience to hear several distinct voices make a pleasant harmony.

Although I am now in America and I am unable to perform at my Korean church, I am playing flute as a member of a school worship team and having a blessed time. Participating in the worship team has given and is giving me valuable lessons such as the importance of believing in myself and the greatest mistake that I often made was to continuously fear making one.

Good luck!

:)