"True love" - UC undergrad admission personal statement

prompt: tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. what about this quality or accomplishment makes your proud and how does it relate to the person you are?


True love: the one quality that many are incapable of experiencing in today's modern world. People have been indoctrinated by the illusions that television shows, the media and music display. Upon switching on the television, people are immediately inundated with sexual content. Upon turning on the radio, thinking they are listening to their favorite song, people are subconsciously exposing themselves to the pop culture that leads you astray from reality. What has happened to the time when love was a sacred emotion between two people, and not just a game of give and take as portrayed in Hollywood lifestyle and movies that younger generations follow?

SEE BELOW

True love: the one quality that many are incapable of experiencing in today's modern world

It's great to see your theme kicks off the essay. But it is not a sentence. Please insert "is" to replace the ":" :D
Abt second sentence:
People have been indoctrinated by the illusions that television shows, the media and music display
Personally I think this will create an illusion that you are referring to general media. May be add a few adjectives like "biased" "exaggerated" there.
Since love is loyal, it purchases one who is loyal,
I don't really understand this sentence.......

Well, overall I would say that you definitely brought something special to the table and I can feel that it's very authentic. Your experience is unique. You still need to fix a couple more times so it's easy to understand though. :D Good luck on your admission to UC!

word use: inundated sounds odd in the context
don't YOU use you. haha. its not recommended for formal essays.
first paragraph, lays out a strong question. I'd like to see how you answer it. you dont til later... bit distracting from the flow of the paper.
also, why is paragraph two separate from paragraph one. both condemn the concepts of love in today's society. only the last sentence shows your idea..but its not that strong.

word use:dreamt - dreamed

Everyone around me were was

I began to question [ask sounds a bit better] myself, "was love really as innocent, pure and beautiful as I thought it was? Was this the definition of love I dreamt about?" I began to lose hope. [sounds poetic. third paragraph ends on a bad note. it sounds very depressing. while admission offers want to hear you out, it may not be the best idea to show this much weakness just because of a disillusioned/destroyed [whats a better term?] view about love.

It was in that moment of increasing despair when I met my amazing boyfriend and future husband.
[married yet or no. if not, this is a very strong statement. xD what does it have to do with going to a UC undergrad school]

other comments: you say in the beginning that love in this world is not real love, then in your last paragraph, you flood the reader with images of "true love" and "endless love"
I see your point, that love has taught you that the world does not have to be a harsh place, BUT you don't show that until the very end. strengthen your intro with a stronger thesis [if there is one about love, i think you make one near the end] about love. while it may be a way of leading up to how you are now, I think you should focus more on yourself and your experiences, instead of bashing pop culture. I'm not sure what to say about your boyfriend/husband relationship....

note: love sounds promiscuous oftentimes in your essay. I hope other people dont get that feeling, its rather odd for a college essay, though it IS a unique way of expressing yourself.

thankyou for your help!
i really appreciate it

It's unique, and I love your style of writing..
However, when a UC admission officer reads it, maybe when he tries to picture you in the university there, he's assume that without love, when you stop believing in it, or when you're heartbroken you will lose everything, and stop trying so hard..

When you write, try to picture the person reading it, and what impression he/she will have after reading it, and whether the way you described yourself in the essay shows that you will adapt and succeed in the university you are applying to..

Finally......after an hour of fixing......let's look at it

True love: the one quality that many are incapable of experiencing in today's modern world. People have been indoctrinated by the illusions that television shows, the media and music display(Ugh, although I ultimately understood your sentence it took me nearly 20 seconds to catch it. I think you can make it more cleaer). Upon switching on the television, people are immediately inundated with sexual content. Upon turning on the radio, thinking they are listening to their favorite song, people are subconsciously exposing themselves to the pop culture that leads themyou astray from reality. What has happened to the time when love was a sacred emotion between two people? Why now and not love is just a game of give and take as portrayed in Hollywood lifestyle and movies that younger generations follow?(I can see what you mean, but your original sentence has grammer mistakes; subjects are different. I mean, your subject is 'time' but in the second part of your sentence you actually want to say love right?Besides, inundates sounds wired here, really)

Love has gone from an eternal bond between two people to a drunken decision made by two people reaching for more than what is inside. Love exists in many forms such as the love for money, the one for fame or for any personal desire; however, those things can disappear at any given time.


Everyone around me seemed to avow their faith but swallow their oath again and again, as if these words meant nothing; in turn, they would move onto others with a heart unhurt. I began to question myself, "Was love really as innocent, pure and beautiful as I thought it was? Was this the definition of love I dreamt about?" I began to lose hope. If true love did not exist I had no motivation to continue working hard for the future. My grades began to dramatically slip away from me. I was lost in a crowd that I knew I never belonged to, but did I have a choice? Was there anyone like me that had the persuit for(I think it's more appropriate here since you said a lot about your dream of true love) true love in them?

It was ... pure love together.（I have a suggetion for structure here......in the anterior paragraph, you mentioned that you were disappointed because others showed no pure love. So I think you'd better give us some details about your boyfriend. You can tell readers how you know and from what can readers see that he also has the persuit for and the quality of pure love）
Since being together we have struggled a lot; not with our love, but with others trying to stop us(why?). They should all ... possesses the strength to change the worst to the best(be confident to your love here) and I hope that one day this quality that has become rare in our modern society will be restored so that tranquility can rest in the hearts of people, as it does for my love and me.

I'm glad too see that Mayada has already told you that what will the officer think after reading your essay. In fact, I have the same feeling and I would ask myself what wil happen to you if you lose your love?Will you fall？I think you can rewrite some of your sentences like the one in the 3rd paragraph:If true love did not exist I had no motivation to continue working hard for the future. My god! If I were the officer I would be very suspicious about your life in university. What about writing a love experience which you thought that guy had a quality of true love but indeed he didn't and then your study was affected. Not long after that your love appeared and with the cure of his love you gave support for each other and then made progress together. I think it would leave the officer a better impression......

Besides, best wishes for you and your love. And can I ask you some questions about how to gain the heart of a girl? The things is, I have very strong affection for a girl for more than 4 years(how poor I am %>_<%） .In fact, we are now very good friends so I'm afraid if once I express my affection for her we can no longer be friends......If it doesn't bother you, I beg your sincere help. Thanks a million first.

A lot of your essay is just generalized explanations, with no personal anecdotes. I found it very easy to lose interest in your essay, due to the lack of personal writing in your essay.

For example:

^There was no need to ramble aimlessly on what love is.


^Then another paragraph on just love in general, just bored me.


^Also, what makes you so certain that your definition of true love is not flawed?

Thankyou all so much for your help i will be sure to make corrections and post my revised version :]

HERE IS MY REVISED VERSION TELL ME IF IT IS OKAY AND WHAT ELSE I CAN DO THANKYOU :]


True love is the one quality that many are incapable of experiencing in today's modern world. People are continuing to become detached from pure feelings due to what television shows, the media, and music that revolve around pop culture display. Love was once a sacred emotion between two people and not just a game of give and take as portrayed in Hollywood lifestyle and movies that younger generations follow. Love has nearly gone from an eternal bond between two people to a drunken decision made by two people reaching for more than what is inside. Love exists in many forms such as the love for money, fame or for any personal desire; however, those things can disappear at any given time. Even though, there are not many who can achieve this, I believe true love must have the same innocence as a mother loving her child; where unconditional love is given to the other expecting nothing in return.

As a child I constantly dreamed of my future and imagined finding the man that would love me with pure, true love. As I grew older I saw my dreams begin to shatter in front of me. Everyone around me seemed to avow their faith but swallow their oath again and again as if these words meant nothing; in turn, they would move onto others with a heart unhurt. I began to ask myself, "Was love really as innocent, pure and beautiful as I thought it was? Was there anyone like me that had the pursuit for true love in them? I began to lose hope.

It was in that moment of increasing despair when I met my amazing boyfriend and future husband. Only with him was I able to bring out my quality of sincere love and bestow it upon him to its full extent. Since he walked into my life I feel at ease where ever I am, and no longer feel like a stranger in this world. Love was my cure, but not any love...his love, true love. Until people learn to practice pure love between one another, their pain will always engender more pain. Since love is loyal, it purchases one who is loyal, which is why I found my Omar Shaik. Now that I know genuine love exists I am able to better concentrate on my education and become a better person with him by my side. Even though we had nothing materialistic to give to one another we became one and share unpretentious pure love together. He continues to shower me with his adoration and loyalty. We have progressed greatly in our lives becoming more than just lovers but best friends as well that are able to accomplish anything that comes our way.
Meeting him I was able to find peace at heart and in my mind. This endless love that we share is my motivation in life and he is what makes me what I am today. Without him I would have settled for much less than what I can accomplish in life, but since meeting him I am six months ahead of my studies and will be graduating early, moving onto college. The quality of true love is what makes me distinct, for many do not have the potential to grasp this quality and embrace it throughout their lifetime. I hope that one day this quality that has become rare in our modern society will be restored so tranquility can rest in the hearts of people, as it does for my love and me.




*towards the end the sentence that starts with MEETING is suppost to be a new paragraph it keeps not indenting it when i post it
thankyou

Much better, it's more personal. but even so, you still have the images of pop culture dominate your first paragraph. But if that was what you intend, it works I guess.

People are continuing to become continue to be detached from pure feelings due to what because of the pop culture displayed through television shows, the media, and music that revolve around pop culture display. (what do you mean by media? movies/newspapers/etc.)

thanks so much
i really appreciate it

I'm so impressed with this thread. Faisal, Jonathon, Mayada, Christina, Huan Meng "Ninja", and HongqingZhao, I look forward to helping with all your essays. Thanks for the great work here.

:]] thankyouuu