why they must choose me?

Statement of Purpose
An undiscovered ocean ...


SEE BELOW

is it ok?
please check and critisize!

I corrected the basic grammer for the first two paragraphs for you ...

An undiscovered ocean lays before me, ready to be analyzed, but readily unseen. Life is my undiscovered ocean, where I everyday I complement it with experience and knowledge. But the main content of this ocean is, of course, education. I believe on wisdom that "Little knowledge is a dangerous thing". In other words, humankind must be well-educated, to save our world. My strong desire to study and ,to learn more and tounderstanding of this world will remain my main driving force.

Since I was child, I had always been engaged in activities both in and out of school. Sport activities like soccer and football helped to me develop such qualities like leadership and team working skills. Also, games as chess assisted me to create logical thinking and creativity. Playing these sports (is chess a sport?) has taught me how to work with others to achieve goals. The students and teachers participated in active discussions and debates, which often produce new ideas and perspectives. This culture, I believe, has formed the basis of my life position.



... you need to make sure that each sentence is a complete thought, and every word you use has a purpose.

Thanks! Who can check other paragraphs?

Besides playing games and participating in volunteering jobs, last summer I worked as the assistant of financial analyst in local bank.

In my opinion this event determined my future life. Before this event I had always been interested in financial world and insurance sphere. My boss guided me to the stock market. Also, my boss taught me how to collect data for analysis, process statistical applications and make predictions. I started to read books about trading for approximately 8 months ago; my first book was called "100 Great Deals in the World History". After reading this book, I really inspired and ready to act. These activities give me valuable experience as well as satisfaction of hard work.

Currently I am studying in a Kazakh-Turkish high school for gifted boys. It offered me a multi-cultural education. A myriad of cultures and traditions meet together in one school.

WOW, you know 4 languages!!??

...would regard my admission to the University of Texas at Austin not only as a great excellence of your program, but also an opportunity to integrate with your university's has a great deal multitude of international students from all over the World.

Brilliant. Maybe you should also study linguistics.

Sammiepuddle, thanks for getting those other 2 paragraphs!

Thank you very much Sammiepuddle and Kevin!!!