Suspended Student Re-Admission Essay for Fall '09

***I was suspended in the Fall of '08 for poor grades. I went to CC in the Fall and took Spring Semester off. I am trying to be readmitted. Any comments or detailed suggestions (grammar, spelling, structure, important points etc...)would be EXTREMELY helpful. Thanks***


This is just the rough draft:

SEE BELOW

FYI, I'm trying to cover these bases which I got from an MIT website:
a.An assessment of the issues you confronted at SMU and how they have been addressed.
b.What you have been doing during your time away and what you have learned from your experience.
c.The reasons you feel ready to return.
d.An honest assessment of challenges you might face if readmitted.
e.A plan for how you will address these challenges


I really just want to convey how much I want to return to school. I really want them to understand where I'm coming from. Is there too much detail? not enough?

This is phrased passively, immediately giving the impression that you don't take responsibility for what happened. This may undercut your credibility when you later say that no one is responsible other than yourself.

Instead, say something like "Upon my transfer to the university, I faced challenges that I hadn't predicted, and my classroom performance suffered."

But even this is very vague. While you do go into detail later in the essay, I suggest that you put a one sentence summary of the problem and its resolution in your first paragraph.

Then, go through the body of the essay, editing to make your sentences as concise and precise as possible. Avoid vague words like "issues," which really don't mean anything.

Finally, close with a clear statement of why you want to return and, most importantly, what you will do with the degree that you will earn. Also, summarize your plan to ensure that you will be able to meet any challenges that arise.

Good luck! I hope they let you back in!

It keeping with the advice to be concise, go through and ruthlessly eliminate every instance of conjugations of "to be" that you can figure out how to get rid of. For instance:

Original: "First and foremost, I would like to say that no one was completely at fault for my performance but myself. I accept full responsibility for the choices I've made. When I transferred to SMU, I was given an opportunity to achieve a substantial education from a respectable university. Unfortunately, that opportunity was squandered by my lack of realization which is something I regret. Experiencing a college education is a valuable aspect of life."

Revised: First and foremost, I accept full responsibility for my choices and for my poor performance. SMU gave me an opportunity to achieve a substantial education from a respectable university. Unfortunately, I squandered that opportunity through ignorance and a lack of foresight, a decision I now deeply regret. I have come to understand how valuable a college education truly is.

That eliminates 4 out of 5, and greatly strengthens the paragraph. Revise the rest of the essay in the same fashion.

In making the passage more concise, Sean also made it more active. That helps fix the problem of seeming not to take responsibility through the use of passive voice.

Yep, getting rid of forms of "be" also takes care of overuse of the passive voice, as an added benefit. Often in fixing one problem in writing, one makes headway on others, too.

Thanks for the advice. I'm working on revisions and will post a second draft soon. What about detail? Should I go completely in depth about every little thing?

Give enough detail to explain yourself and make the situation clear to the reader, but not so much that the reader gets bogged down in (and bored by) irrelevant minutiae. In other words, be precise but do not waste the reader's time with irrelevant details. When you post your revision, we can let you know if you've gone too far.

Here is a second draft of my essay. I wasn't sure where to post it. Please give as much comments and criticism as possible (line by line if you like).

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SEE BELOW
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I feel I'm too wordy with my sentences.
I tried to eliminate words like "is" and "was".
Also I'm think whether or not I have too many paragraphs.
What do you think about using "I". Is it too often?
Please give as much criticism as you'd like. Thanks

Oh, this is so much stronger! Certainly, there are always some sentences that could be less wordy, but now you have so many concise active sentences. "I felt like an outcast. I became homesick." -- That's just beautiful: honest and to the point.

I don't think it's a problem that you say "I" so often. The essay is about you! And before, when you didn't say "I" so frequently, it felt like you were trying to evade responsibility. Not any more!

Great job!

I'll revise your first pargraph -- that should be enough to give you an idea of the areas in which you can improve.

"I respectfully petition for re-admission into Southern Methodist University for the fall semester of 2009. I was suspended from the university for poor academic performance just before the beginning of the 2008 fall semester. Upon my transfer to SMU I faced forms of depression, isolation and social angst; challenges that were unpredictable and my classroom performance suffered. I have since then addressed much of these issues with family support and professional attention. I would like to express all that I've learned from this experience and why I feel ready to return. There are challenges that still may arise if re-admitted and I can assure that these will be met head on with a positive attitude and determination."

I'm only advising on writing and grammar.

The first sentence states your position, and hints at the purpose of your paper on the whole, which is important.

The second sentence skids; " just before the beginning" is incorrect because it's repetitive, and hard to read. On top of that, you're being rather terse, even detached, saying that you were suspended right after your opening sentence.

I would instead, narrate a story and try to create some empathy with my audience, referring to the suspension as an afterthought, and focus on the tumult which would explain it instead.

The third sentence: omit "my" because it's implicit, and revise "faced forms..."; involve your reader in the experience, and avoid rattling off "depression" "isolation" etc.

Show it, don't say it.

4th sentence is alright.

5th sentence: *why I feel I'M ready to return. You must express confidence in your readiness; it reads now as whimsical, perhaps nonchalant. Detach yourself from you, and you'll gain more credibility.

6th sentence: they "may" arise, but you will meet them head on? You've presupposed these challenges.

Try rephrasing it: "whatever happens ... positive attitude, determination, tenacity, [insert good quality].

Good Luck.

Thanks. I may rewrite somethings for a 3rd draft because I'll be sending this in soon. Do you have anymore advise or input? I had someone say I came off as winy. Does anyone think so?

I wouldn't have said you sounded whiny. You mention the problems that led to your poor academic performance, and then go on to say how you have addressed them. You sort of have to do this, given the nature of the essay. Make any changes you have in mind, then post your third draft for one last round of suggestions.

Sorry to say, but it is a bit whiny. You're dwelling too much on how you perceive yourself, like as being an outcast.

Overall, your essay comes off as negative, to me at least. The admissions board doesn't need to know why you took the path you had, only that things will be different if they reinstate you.

Btw.. how well did you do at CC?

I strongly disagree! Perhaps there is an age difference here. For what it's worth, I'm a lot closer in age to the people who will be reading your essay. I found the second version to be insightful, which is very different than whiny.

I've noticed this on a couple of threads recently -- people taking any negative references in an essay as whiny or potentially risky for admissions. I'm not quite sure where this impression came from, but it's wrong. You don't want to cast yourself in a negative light, to be sure, but mentioning bad things that happened to you, or flaws that you had, that you then overcame, is a valid strategy for winning admiration from your readers.

OK maybe whiny wasn't the right word to use, but he is dwelling on the past. He mentioned his "flaws," but doesn't show that he overcame them, in one case stating that he'll try to overcome it.

The reason I say it comes off as negative is because he criticizes himself too much. His feelings of guilt shows throughout the essay, and that is not a good thing.


Think of it like this: let's say you're a manager at EssayForum Inc., and you had to fire one of your employees for missing too many days of work, despite the numerous chances you gave him. What can he say to convince you to rehire him?
If it were me, then words alone won't convince me. He would need to provide factual evidence to suggest that things will be different this time around. That part is missing from his essay.

He actually does state the steps he has taken/will take to overcome the negative aspects he mentions:





I suppose it wouldn't hurt to sharpen the positive focus in those paragraphs, but the necessary information is already there.

But he doesn't give enough details about them.

How well did he do at CC? The fact that he doesn't state his performance leads me to believe it was mediocre.

He was diagnosed with mild depression. How is this related? Was he depressed over his social phobias, poor academic performance, or some external factor? How great of an impact did this have on his ability to perform? How has he overcome that obstacle, did he undergo therapy or is he on medication? This needs to be substantiated by a professional with the proper credentials.

If it wasn't a mood disorder, then he needs to show that things have changed through action - talking to an adviser doesn't count.

Btw.. he attended tutoring sessions before his suspension. If it didn't help then why would it help in the future? Not saying that it won't, just stating the logical inconsistency.

Okay, I can see your point. He should be able to fix up the essay without too much trouble though, if he omits mentioning the tutoring, focuses more on the positive in the paragraphs I quoted from, and provides the proper references as far as his diagnosis goes.

I didn't know if I should go into great detail about my CC classes or about my depression.

My depression stemmed from being a outcast and not knowing what to major in. This depression effected my performance and I thus became more depressed because my performance was poor.

As far as tutoring sessions, I only attended once or twice because my motivation was lacking because of the depression. The professional help I mentioned was from the two school Psychiatrists and therapist. The Psychiatrist counseled and provided meds, and I attended weekly sessions with the therapist. I learned a lot from them but haven't spoke with them since last summer because of the suspension.

I didn't mention my CC classes because for 1) I only have taken three, and 2) I didn't do as well as I hoped. I got suspended a week before the the Fall semester started which hit me out of no where, scrambled to enroll in CC, had an extremely difficult time paying for it, and hated every minute of it. I attended the farthest CC from home as I could because I was embarrassed and ashamed. SMU is about an 2hr commute (public transportation) and I picked a CC a bit farther from there. This backfired because, with public transportation, it was nearly a 4hr commute everyday. It was very stressful and tiring and as I said, I hated every minute of it. I received: B, C, and F (GPA: 1.67)

I don't think they will understand how I felt that fall semester. I had high hopes. I had classes planned and was ready to do my best. I then get a letter saying I'm suspended and I would be dropped from my class. It was an incredible blow. I felt like I was right back where I started. This past spring I had classes picked once again, and was ready to raise my CC GPA but discovered that Financial Aid had stopped paying because I have too many credits (for CC) and I had to drop all of my classes because I couldn't afford to pay. I decided to just take this spring semester time and relax and get my head together (which I have done). I started studying at home using OPENCOURSEWARE from MIT to prep for fall semester. I don't want to go back to CC (with it not counting) and be out of school for over a year.

I am not sure if the admission department will except this "excuse" for my problems at CC. After my transfer, I've had a hard two years. I cannot return to CC because I can't afford to pay. I don't know what else to do. My only option is this essay. I know I could explain this better if I talked with them face to face because there are so many little things and feelings that I can't put in the essay.

I want to find a way to convince them, that aside from CC I have changed and learned a lot. Also, they told me that CC is not always mandatory, but will look good upon review. They really want me to understand that my actions are not acceptable. I understand that a good performance at a CC can gauge how well I will perform if readmitted, but I've done a lot of work outside of CC. I know this is a lot. What can I do?

I really hear your desperation and frustration. I like your essay as it now stands, and think that you have a good chance of at least gaining consideration.

But let's think clearly: That one school is not, in fact, your only hope of a future. There's no shame in attending CC for a while longer, and there are ways to make that affordable for anybody.

While your situation feels unique to you, many students have a similarly hard time getting started in college. A debilitating bout of depression the first term is not at all uncommon. Students can and do come back from such circumstances, and I am sure you will be able to do so as well.

In summary: You stand a good chance with this essay, but I would like to encourage you not to think of it as your last hope.

What exactly is CC referring to?

I'm going to take a wild guess and assume you mean community college?

Why is it shameful going to community college?
Surely you realize that a school doesn't make a person.
I've been going to no school, or community college, for the last 25 months (2+ years), and I'm on a better footing than people at so called "prestigious universities."

I've read graduate level papers submitted by students, and found tons of errors.
I've done graduate level papers for people attending respectable universities, on topics I know nothing about, and they've come out with an A or B.

So what I take away from that is, I just did a paper for a 5th year student and got an A, having no prior preparation, therefore I am capable of attending the school now, for the same program, in the same class.

Of course, if I dwelled on the fact that I'm at a CC? and resigned myself as failure, self-fulfilling prophecy would probably summarize my narrative.
It's doubtful that this essay is your last option. If you are refused, attend community college for another year with a pained determination. I'm sure there are payment options available.

I doubt the situation is as bleak as you're professing it to be. You need to change your attitude and form a strong identity of who you are. At the "cc" which I attend, a few weeks prior I learned a term that would apply here. The "double-consciousness" coined by Du Bois is about these competing perspectives between how YOU view you, and how others view you, and which one you will have prevail. Will you let others tell you who you are and prove them right, or spit in the ground, get your stuff together, and prove them wrong?

People are meek and feeble nowadays...

Simone and Mustafa you might be right. I guess I'm putting to much on this essay. I know there's no shame in attending CC (community college) but I never pictured myself in this situation. Just the mere fact of going to a community college seems a step down (or back) and that's tough to deal with.

As far as the essay goes, do you think I should go more in depth about what I learned from my therapy sessions and why I had the hard time I did going to CC? Do you think there is something from my last post that I should add? In the essay, should I anticipate what they will think about my performance at the CC and explain myself?

Something like: I know I didn't perform well at CC but......

Also do you think I should explain more about my "self studying" with OPENCECOURSEWARE (online lecture video, books, notes, etc..)?

I honestly didn't mean to say there's anything wrong with attending a community college. The classes were actually very nice and pretty much the same as some college courses. I guess I just felt funny to go from a university to a CC. It just felt like a step back.

That's not surprising. Universities have a better reputation that community colleges, and reputations do matter in the real world. However, they are not everything, and a person can still live a full and rich life even if they only ever attend the latter. Besides, proving an aptitude for learning in a CC environment will allow you to improve your level of education while increasing your chances of getting [back] into a university later on.

As for the essay itself, I wouldn't go too much into the negative aspects of CC. You are trying to convince the university to let you back in. A discussion of how you did poorly at CC does not seem likely to accomplish that goal, based on what you have said so far.

I don't think anyone disagrees that community colleges have a bad reputation. Reputations do matter -- I wouldn't encourage you to go to a community college if you had a better choice.

What I disagree on though, is the perception among people that you can't get a fine education at a CC. They provide you with books, a cirriculum, and occassional instruction; the rest is just how badly you want to learn, for more than a grade -- for the knowledge that can enhance your quality of life and understanding of the world.

If you have a hard time learning on your own, and need a charismatic instructor who can help facillitate the process, CC won't exactly be your best bet.
But it's better than nothing, and if you devote enough effort to it, you can learn more at CC than at ANY university.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. Having the right attitude is far more important in determining what you get out of your attempts at higher education, regardless of whether you go to university or CC. Some people would certainly get more out of attending the latter than other people would out of attending the former. Universities do have a few of advantages over CCs, though. First, they generally offer four year degrees instead of two, and one is obviously more likely to learn more in a four year degree than in a two year one, simply because one has the time to do so. Second, many CC programs are designed to train students in practical technical skills, whereas, despite recent trends, universities are still more likely to educate students to be good thinkers generally. That is, CC programs tend to offer training, whereas universities tend to offer education, though this is not true of all CCs nor of all universities. Finally, the difference in reputation means that those who are academically strong enough to get into university go there, if they can afford it. Thus, the learning environment of universities tends to be superior to the learning environment in CCs.

I have gotten a lot of helpful advice here on this forum and I want to thank all of you for that!

I will be posting a third (and maybe final) draft soon. Where should I post it so it will be a complete post for everyone to see the entire essay. Last time my second draft was edited (for space I guess). Can others still see it if it's edited? I'm still new here so I don't know all the tricks and things.

Here is my third draft. I've made a few revisions. How solid do you think it is opposed to my first. Is it much different?

I was going to open a new thread but read that I should just continue posting here. Will this post be edited?



Dear Admission Members,

I respectfully petition for re-admission into Southern Methodist University for the fall semester of 2009. I was placed on academic suspension by SMU prior to the beginning 2008 fall semester. Upon my transfer to SMU I faced forms of depression, isolation and social angst; challenges that were unpredictable and my classroom performance suffered. I have since then addressed much of these issues with family support and professional attention. I would like to express all that I've learned from this experience and why I feel ready to return. There are challenges that still may arise if re-admitted and I can assure these will be met head on with a positive attitude and a renewed sense of growth, maturity, and determination.

First and foremost, I accept full responsibility for my choices and for my poor performance. SMU gave me an opportunity to achieve a substantial education from a respectable university. Unfortunately, I squandered that opportunity through ignorance and a lack of foresight, a decision I now deeply regret. I have come to understand how valuable a college education truly is.

Transferring to a new school and living alone for the first time can be difficult for anyone. Involving myself in social activities and adjusting to a new environment is a weak trait that continues to be a challenge. Because of this I isolated myself and felt social anxiety.

I felt like an outcast. I became homesick. I couldn't afford my off campus apartment and worked an on campus job to pay bills. Approaching my senior year of college with a questionable major made my indecisiveness apparent and during my transfer I abruptly switched majors. I felt frustrated because I had doubts about my goals and basically lacked focus in my college life. I became depressed and ashamed of how poor I performed in class.

I sought advice from professors who informed me of available tutors at SMU's ALEC. During a tutoring session, I expressed my frustration and how my performance in class and study habits were suffering. I was then turned to the university's Health Center. After over 8 weeks of testing, I was diagnosed with a mild state of depression with symptoms of ADD.

These issues have since been addressed after my suspension from SMU. Family structure is an important aspect of life. I have decided to move back home and gain that support as opposed to the isolation I felt living on my own away at school. Also, before my suspension, with the help of SMU psychiatrists such as Dr. Shiek and months of counseling, I have gained the ability to have a better understanding of how to reevaluate the causes of my problems outside the classroom. The goals of my college education have been addressed as well.

Before my transfer, I performed well as a film major and achieved a minor in photography. My adviser and I previously discussed my motives for transferring and changing majors for a second time. We then devised and organized a constructive curriculum for my new major. I've decided to strive for a Bachelor of Arts with a Major in Computer Science. I am positive this will incorporate my interests in CS while including the strengths from my previous major in art.

I've become more determined and more appreciative of the opportunity given. The pressures of school can be daunting. In order to gain a greater degree of perspective, sometimes you need to take a break and regroup. The issues with depression stemmed from feelings of exile and my indecisiveness about a major. The depression effected my performance and motivation and I thus became even more depressed and less motivated because I was not performing as well as I had previously. I now understand these reasons for my poor performance after my transfer and I accept complete responsibility.

During the fall semester, I began taking three classes at a community college outside of SMU. Three classes were all my financial aid could pay for. In addition, I've also taken advantage of free online material (i.e., video lectures, notes, MIT OpenCourseWare). Unfortunately, financial aid would not pay for spring semester. That being said, I've taken the spring semester to relax, regain focus, and prepare for my possible return to SMU.

The possibility of returning to SMU is exciting and highly anticipated. I have a more developed frame of mind in accordance with my goals and aspiration of a college education. I believe performing at a higher level is of the utmost importance. Failure is less likely because of my motivation, determination, and improved focus.

I am not perfect. Realistically, it is possible I will face various challenges if re-admitted, but this is true for every college student. I can say, I will take advantage of all necessary resources attainable by SMU. I will attend tutoring sessions at the ALEC as often as needed. I will take advantage of the Health Center also if necessary. I will also try my hardest to become more social and active on campus.

I cannot truly convey the regret and shame I felt about my performance while attending SMU. Being suspended was saddening and a complete embarrassment. This entire experience has been an eye opener. I was told this academic suspension was not punitive but rather a chance for a break and allows me to recover from my academic problems and I understand this completely. I am aware my circumstances are not to be taken lightly and that a second chance is not required. If given this second chance, I can promise it will not be wasted. Returning this fall and continuing my education at SMU is very important to me. I sincerely value this educational opportunity given. I am hoping my petition for re-admission will be considered.

Thank You

This is running the risk of becoming over-worked. Still, I'd like you to make one more editing pass, aiming for more concise sentences and no passive voice.

"Involving myself in social activities and adjusting to a new environment is a weak trait that continues to be a challenge." This makes it sound as if you are still suffering from the same problems that caused you trouble before. Revise

Be concise: "Also, before my suspension, with the help Through months of counseling with SMU psychiatrists such as Dr. Shiek and months of counseling, I have overcome my depression and learned to focus more intensely on academic tasks. gained the ability to have a better understanding of how to reevaluate the causes of my problems outside the classroom."

And, as Simone said, eliminate the passive voice: "The possibility of returning to SMU is exciting and highly anticipated." = "I am greatly excited at the thought of returning to SMU."

"[1] I've become more determined and more appreciative of the opportunity given. [2] The pressures of school can be daunting. In order to gain a greater degree of perspective, sometimes you need to take a break and regroup. [3] The issues with depression stemmed from feelings of exile and my indecisiveness about a major. The depression effected my performance and motivation and I thus became even more depressed and less motivated because I was not performing as well as I had previously. [4] I now understand these reasons for my poor performance after my transfer and I accept complete responsibility."

1. Your claim is unsubstantiated. If you were more determined, where are the results?
2. Reads like a distraction.
3. Irrelevant to the matter at hand.
4. I don't believe you do. You say that you accept complete responsibility, yet you blame your poor performance on a state of mind. If you are completely responsible for your poor performance, then you're also responsible for the antecedents. So being depressed is your fault? Having social phobias is your fault?

I'm guessing that up until your suspension you kept making excuses - to your instructors, your peers, your family, and most of all to yourself. Making more excuses won't convince anyone that you're ready to go back (referring to your mediocre semester at CC).

Listen to what Mustafa is saying. Consider going back to CC for another semester or two, and rock the sht out of it. You need to show that you can succeed, rather than simply stating that you have the desire.

Perhaps he is taking responsibility for giving into his negative emotions, i.e. for allowing himself to become isolated and to feel depressed, rather than taking the steps then that he has taken now to prevent these feelings? That would be my interpretation, anyway.

I don't feel like getting too far into the psychology of it all, but there is a reason why he acted the way he did.

A rough chain of causation, as he expressed:
Failed <- depressed <- social isolation & indecision

It doesn't actually end there though. He isolated himself from social interactions for a reason. Based on his low sense of self-worth, I'm guessing he avoids for fear of being judged or criticized negatively. Thinking that people are looking down on him for whatever quality he believes society values more than others, his expectations are based on distorted beliefs.

If he didn't consider himself an outcast and place blame for feeling depressed on his social isolation, these questions wouldn't be raised. As Mustafa said, he needs to change his attitude. A healthier, more adaptive and more positive attitude would result if he actually overcame his feelings of inadequacy.

I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into his essay, but I've read several essays like his and the most significant piece of information they tend to provide is that the writer is still confused.

esonoi, you've identified a vexing and all too common conundrum. Even though clinical depression is an illness, people are expected to take responsibility for the results of a bout of depression (or social phobia) in a way they would never be expected to take responsibility for the effects of diabetes. Even if a student were responsible for a worsening of his or her diabetes because she or he didn't eat well, nobody would expect a statement to the effect of "I take full responsibility for missing classes and assignments while I was hospitalized." It's not fair, but it's the way it is.

What's the solution. Well, if one is susceptible to depression, there are things that can be done to prevent an outbreak. These include eating well, getting sufficient rest, exercising, and -- perhaps most importantly -- resisting the urge to self-isolate. So, if one has suffered poor performance due to depression or a related emotional problem, one can take responsibility for not seeking help in time and can state that one now knows what to do to take better care of oneself in future. In this case, that would seem to be relying on family as a social support system and seeking counseling or medical advice if the problem begins to manifest again.

Actually, I think any student can reasonably be asked to account for his academic performance. Depression is one excuse a student could offer to account for poor marks; hospitalization from diabetes would be another. Both are mitigating circumstances that might cause a university to reconsider admitting a student who had done badly in the past. In both cases, though, the student is rightfully asked to take responsibility, not for their medical condition, but for their failure to cope with it in a way that permits them to do well academically. University is not, thankfully, like high school, where everyone passes whether they deserve to or not. At university, one has to have the ability to do the work expected of them, and to contribute to a productive learning environment for their peers. A student who cannot do both of these things has no place at university. Such a student might be the victim of a personal failure (i.e. he could have overcome adversity but did not through weakness of character) or he might be the victim of circumstance (i.e. nothing he could have done would have been enough to overcome the challenges facing him). It doesn't much matter to the university which is true of any given student though. All the university cares about is whether the student can now handle what before he couldn't, either through a change in character or a change in circumstance, or both. If not, then the university has no reason to readmit the student in question, howsoever sympathetic he might be.

MY READMISSION WAS GRANTED AND I'VE BEEN ALLOWED TO RETURN THIS FALL!!!!!
**FYI, I tweaked my 3rd draft a little**

I just wanted to say I appreciate all of the positive attitudes, advise and constructive criticism I received here. It really helped a lot. So thank you Sean, Simone and everyone else who supported me because this was a very big deal to me. I will definitely be back to this forum for future posting.

Thanks a bunch guys!

Ben, this is truly wonderful news. Congratulations and thank you so much for letting us know. We'll look forward to seeing your work once school starts back up in the fall.

Great news. Always good to see people who put a great deal of effort into their work succeed. Excellent job.