"Spirit Club" - your activities essay

really urgent :[ !!
please check for any grammar/phrasing mistakes.
thank you so much.

again, it's REALLY urgent.

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).

What was this glow that kept my eyes from opening when I walked into the gym? Of course, it was our posters, radiating, which we had worked on for hours for days after school. What was this smell that flowed sweetly into the nose? It was the smell of the nacho, noodles, and hotdogs that Spirit Club had prepared to sell for students during breaks.
As a new girl at school, I browsed for a club to join looking forward to meeting new students. A club that gave me wings and identity within the school was Spirit Club; my unique ideas, organizational skills, and effective money control as a treasurer contributed to the growth of the club to where it stands today. In school activities, it is the hard work of Spirit Club that prevails.

Honestly, this depends on which school you are applying to.

If it's not the top Ivy Leagues, I think this essay is pretty good considering the way you describe your first activity in your new school.

However, i think this lacks some sort of personality when you write. You talked too much in the introduction, which I suggest you cut it if you want to go to a really good school, and talk more about the club itself.
eg how it has changed you in certain ways, why you were attract to it, blah blah blah

What was that glow that kept my eyes from opening when I walked into the gym? Of course, it was our posters, radiating, which we had worked on for hours for days after school. What was that smell that flowed sweetly into the nose? It was the smell of the nacho, noodles, and hotdogs that Spirit Club had prepared to sell for students during breaks.
As a new girl at school, I browsed for a club to join looking forward to meeting new students. A club that gave me wings and identity within the school was Spirit Club; my unique ideas, organizational skills, and effective financial management as a treasurer contributed to the growth of the club to where it stands today. In school activities, it is the hard work of Spirit Club that prevails.


I changed "this" to "that" because I thought it sounded nicer. I think you could revise the first sentence, because the posters do not prevent eyes from opening....no mistakes, though!!!!!

:)