snowboarding - Common App short - elaborate on an extracurricular.

Please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer)

None of my personal hobbies and pastimes is as liberating as snowboarding. As anybody who's ever felt that coursing adrenaline rush can attest, there's nothing quite uniquely exhilarating as carving down a mountain at breakneck speeds, with only a few plastic straps securing one from a powdery oblivion. What is my indulgence started out several years ago with impossibly wobbly legs, and at the end of the day, a fractured wrist. Determined, with the scars gone but the fall still fresh in my head, I got on my board the very next year and hit the slopes again. For me, snowboarding has always been about taking risks, meeting fears, carving and discovering new paths for myself. When I am on that mountain, every bump is personal, every recovery as satisfying as the day I decided to continue snowboarding. When I am on that mountain, I am free.



Is this okay? What do I need to work on? Thanks.

i think this is good

For what part of the application is this for? I would take a guess at it being under the resume section, but I must say, that the way you worded it made me feel how much you really enjoy snowboarding. Heck, if it were possible, as I read this, I imagined you snowboarding at this very instant and typing this as you went down the mountain on a net-book :P

Of course, nothing is perfect, but I guess one you can change is (if there is any space left) add how you got into and started snowboarding. If I read over it, I'm sorry, I'm tired.

Best of luck!

Sincerely,
~ Anthony Dardano

this is not for the resume but short answer on common app. it is very descriptive but do you think it answers the question? i think it shows passion but lacks depth

i think this is great
you successfully linked your favourite game to what you've learned and gained and felt
the game really shows who you are :)

Haha hbrad you mean sport?

and also to the people who said i should add more, thanks, but i have 3 words left. what part should i delete to accommodate for depth? thanks!

I stumbled reading your first sentence, maybe because it started with a negative (NONE.) Maybe try starting with a positive (No other sport is as liberating as snowboarding??)

Your essay is 85-90% descriptive i.e. only 5-10% says something about YOU (aside from your loving to snowboard for physical sensations:) marked in red below
Determined, with the scars gone but the fall still fresh in my head, I got on my board the very next year and hit the slopes again. For me, snowboarding has always been about taking risks, meeting fears, carving and discovering new paths for myself.

When I am on that mountain, every bump is personal, every recovery as satisfying as the day I decided to continue snowboarding. When I am on that mountain, I am free.

You might wanna consider adding why you like these qualities (risk-taking, meeting fears, being free.) Just one sentence added and one removed should be sufficient.

Lin, that is great advice!! Thanks, please check out http://www.essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/