Short Response for University of Michigan - any feedbacks are welcomed

Could you please review my response? Any criticism, grammatical help and/or content suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Please be as harsh as possible! YOU COULD REVISE immediately but kindly highlight what the change you made! Thanks again!

Short Answer Question (Approximately 250 words) Make sure your name and the question text are at the top of each page.
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.
Please include a one-inch margin on each page of your document.


However embarrassed I am to admit it, it's never easy for me to accommodate to American culture. Being born and grew up in a totally different society, everything seems not only strange but also aloof to me. Without friends aside, I felt desperately lonely and disconnected. Therefore, I tried every means to adapt myself to the new lifestyle. Refraining from the impression of a purely Chinese, I strived to assimilate. Increasingly, because of the effort I paid, I became such a great fit for America that I retained almost nothing from Chinese side. However, I didn't realize that I was segregating myself unconsciously away from my original culture till one of my friends asked me a question about Tao.

"Dude, how could Yin and Yang, two seemingly opposite forces, get along with?" Kevin asked. I got shocked that I didn't have an answer for him. So I scout around online and discover the magnificent relationship between yin and yang, two apparent contraries, which were surprisingly interconnected and interdependent. Not until I learnt about yin and yang did I figure out that the relationship between two cultures could be the same! Owning two cultures doesn't mean that you have to choose one. You can actually learn from both of them, and pick what is the best for you. Recognizing that, I started to devote myself into organizing the activities that promote an awareness of and appreciation of culture diversity. In those activities, I'm so amazed to find that abundant of students from University of Michigan share the same interest and on the way of promoting diversity, I'm not alone.

I hope one day I could be part of Michigan and all of us can stand together to say: We are Michigan and we are diversity. (Word Count:294)

I feel like my essay is a mess. Part of it doesn't sound right. So please be as harsh as you can. And I'm not sure if the essay clearly stated what it asked.

However embarrassed I am to admit it, it's never easy for me to accommodate to American culture. Being born and raised in a totally different society, everything seemed not only strange but also aloof to me. Without friends (removed word) , I felt desperately lonely and disconnected. Therefore, I tried every means to adapt myself to the new lifestyle. Refraining from the impression of a purely Chinese teenager, I strived to assimilate. Increasingly, because of my effort, I became such a great fit for America that I retained almost nothing from Chinese side. However, I didn't realize that I was segregating myself unconsciously away from my original culture till one of my friends asked me a question about Tao.


I hope one day I could be part of Michigan and all of us can stand together to say: We are Michigan and we are diversity. (Word Count:294) -This is kinda corny

However embarrassed I am to admit it, it's never easy for me to get used to American culture.

Being born and growing up in a totally different society, everything seems not only strange but also aloof to me.

Without friends, I felt desperately lonely and disconnected.

Therefore, I tried every means to adapt myself to the new lifestyle. Refraining from the impression of being purely Chinese, I strove to assimilate.

Increasingly, because of the effort I made, I became such a great fit for America that I retained almost nothing from my Chinese side.

I was shocked to discover that I had no answer for him.

Not until I learned about yin and yang did I figure out that the relationship between two cultures could be the same!

I hope one day I might be part of Michigan and all of us can stand together to say: We are Michigan and we are diversity. (Word Count:294)

Good luck!!
Hope this helps!

:)