2 short essays for U of M

Well after my first essay bombed, I've been wondering if these two are written well.
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Q: College of Literature, Science, and the Arts (LSA): What led you to choose the area(s) of academic interest that you have listed in your application to the University of Michigan? If you are undecided, what areas are you most interested in, and why?

When someone asks the old question, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" I don't wonder which came first; I wonder how an egg becomes a chicken. Science has always been my passion ever since I could remember. It just seems breathtaking to me how the universe runs. I want to know what makes it tick. How does the Albatross bird fly continuously for days at a time and how does it sleep and eat while in flight? I do not know, but I want to find out because it is just so interesting. U of M can leave me satisfied of my quest for knowledge. Not only is it one of the best universities overall, but it is an outstanding research school that applies to all my needs and future goals. Michigan will be much more than a school to me; it will be a lifestyle. A big role model of mine that inspired me of wanting to study biology is Professor Tanush Shaska, an U of M alumni. He came to America from Albania, got educated, and returned to reform the education there. I want to use my skills that I obtain in biology from U of M in order to give back to the people who need help. I have big dreams of creating my own lab in the future and create many philanthropic charities that help people from all around the world. I believe that if I follow my passion at UMich, I will achieve great success.

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Q: Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.


My first experience with another culture was when I moved to the land of opportunity. I thought it was pretty strange. I saw what a big influence fast food chains such as McDonalds had on people, I saw many different races ranging from Blacks to Filipinos, and I heard heavy metal music and thought to myself, "How could someone make this legal". I was amazed on how this country ran. And that was all from when I first moved to the suburbs. My jaw literally dropped when I visited Chicago for the first time. I may have moved from my homeland, Albania, when I was young, but I absolutely do not remember any commercial building being higher that four stories tall. I remember my neck almost snapping back as I tried to spot the top of the Sears tower all 110 stories up in the vacant sky. I was astonished. The irony in this story is that when I went back to visit Albania, it was the opposite effect. I saw stray dogs everywhere, no traffic lines on the roads, and worst of all, they only had dial-up internet. I still love that country though. I would go back every year if I could because it is my true home. I believe I will bring a whole new level of diversity to UMich, as I was raised in Albanian traditions and still live by them today. I am a proud Albanian who knows the blessing of being able to live in such a great country such as the USA.
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Please criticize! I need them prefect.

i think thats really good, im not good in english, so hopefully other people can give you insight on the details of some stuff but i overal really enjoyed reading it. good work

Okay - I think you're very creative and you've been able to come up with some great ideas, but the writing itself is not very well focused on these ideas.

You need to focus on the question:
What led you to choose the area(s) of academic interest that you have listed in your application to the University of Michigan?
You should, by the way specificy that Biology is the type of science you are interested in studying.

I like how you speak about your passion for science, about how you have this thirst for knowledge, these endless questions about how the world works. Clarify this point in your essay, and then go on to talk about how you want to use your passion for science to help others in the future. Explain how you would be able to help others. Make sure to answer that question, because it was not very clear to me as a reader how science would help you to, for example, create many profitable charities. Skip the stuff about UofM's merits.
So the main point of your essay is: I have always been very passionate about science and I want to use that passion to give back to others by _____.
As you write, be focused on this main point. Add examples, elaborate on some points - but do not digress from the essay's focus! Look at every sentence and think: Does this answer the question? Does it relate to the main point I'm trying to get across? If not - remove it.



For your second essay, I think that you can write a wonderful response to the prompt because of your experiences. But, as I've said above, focus on a main point and work on answering the question. I look forward to seeing your revised short answers. :)

I think that your first short answer is good but it would be better if you focused on a central point and build some type of theme throughout the short answer.

As for your second short answer, I didn't feel that you answered the "through which you have gained respect" part of the question.

I think you have a very creative mind, but you have got somewhat off topic. You are not really answering the question. Otherwise, nice work