Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose?

Prompt:

Short Answer In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).

Choice 1:

The ball is passed inbound by David to his brother Nigel. Nigel then carries the ball up to the three point line. Seeing Ansel in the center, Nigel passes the ball to him. Ansel then turns, shoots and scores the winning basket all under thirty seconds! As a member of the basketball team I had learnt that team work is a crucial part of the game of basketball and the game of life. It helped my team win the practice game and it has helped me, with the help of friends, schoolmates and family, solve problems I had encountered in far less time than I would have by myself. I know highly regard it as important and encourage others to practice teamwork because it makes things easier to do and you become more productive when you work as a team.

Choice 2:

I was only 11 years old when I first walked into that building. Despite my age, I was enthused and ready to learn. I was overwhelmed with joy as my dad ordered a thousand shares in NCB for me. After some paper work it was done. My dad had placed an order and just a few days later he got a call from the broker confirming the deal. This was the first time I had ever owned shares in a company. I was ecstatic. After a year had passed and the price per share had doubled, I decided it was time we sold my shares so my dad placed the offer and after two weeks he handed me a check for JD$14,000. I made a profit of JD$7,000! This was the first time I had ever made money on the stock market and I have been hooked ever since.


Please tell me which short story you prefer and also if there are ANY errors of any kind in my responses and also please give me ideas on areas in which I need improvement if any but please take into consideration the word limit. Please and Thank You!!!

I think that the 2nd story seems more interesting than the first

Thank you for your comment powergirl. Any more comments from anyone else?

I like the second one better, for your working experience is meaningful and influential.

Thank you very much charliesun. I think i'll go with your and powergirl's advice and use that one. I prefer it myself. I'll just double check for errors of any kind and use it. Thanks again guys.

No errors that I saw in the first one...

I like #2 better.

Choice 2:

I was only 11 years old when I first walked into the building (specify, what building?). Despite my age, I was enthused and ready to learn. I was overwhelmed with joy as my dad ordered a thousand shares in NCB for me. After some paper work it was done. My dad had placed an order and just a few days later he got a call from the broker confirming the deal. This was the first time I had ever owned shares in a company. I was ecstatic. After a year had passed and the price per share had doubled, I decided it was time we sold my shares, so my dad placed the offer. After two weeks, he handed me a check for JD$14,000. I had made a profit of JD$7,000! This was the first time I had ever made money on the stock market and I have been hooked ever since.

CAN YOU connect this to your major somehow? Or to the school's special programs/resources? Good luck in school!!

Well umm its only supposed to be 150 words or fewer and i'm dead on 150 so i cant do anything to it really and i'm just supposed to elaborate on an activity so i cant that would require more space. Thank you so much for the advice. I've decided to use choice 2 since everyone including myself prefers it. Thank you so much for your advice and if this is what i'll be using:

I was only 11 years old when I first walked into Barita Investments Limited. Despite my age, I was enthused and ready to learn. I was overwhelmed with joy as my dad ordered a thousand shares in NCB for me. After some paper work it was done. My dad had placed an order and just a few days later he got a call from the broker confirming the deal. This was the first time I had ever owned shares in a company. I was ecstatic. After a year had passed and the price per share had doubled, I decided it was time we sold my shares, so my dad placed the offer. After two weeks, he handed me a check for JMD$14,000. I had made a profit of JMD$7,000! This was the first time I had ever made money on the stock market and I have been hooked ever since.

Well umm its only supposed to be 150 words or fewer and i'm dead on 150 so i cant do anything to it really and i'm just supposed to elaborate on an activity so i cant that would require more space. Thank you so much for the advice. I've decided to use choice 2 since everyone including myself prefers it. Thank you so much for your advice and if this is what I’ll be using:

I was only 11 years old when I first walked into Barita Investments Limited. Despite my age, I was enthused and ready to learn. I was overwhelmed with joy as my dad ordered a thousand shares in NCB for me. After some paper work it was done. My dad had placed an order and just a few days later he got a call from the broker confirming the deal. This was the first time I had ever owned shares in a company. I was ecstatic. After a year had passed and the price per share had doubled, I decided it was time we sold my shares, so my dad placed the offer. After two weeks, he handed me a check for JMD$14,000. I had made a profit of JMD$7,000! My experience with investing on the stock market has really taught me a lot about finance and economics.

I find the second one more...."you" as in, I can identify you better through #2. Your emotions of joy were better reflected in the second compared to the first. And the final draft seems to be compact (y)

Thanks. I'm gonna use it. Thank you for your comment.