Scholarship in undergraduate admissions (community, state, nation, or the world)

Hello, I am pretty average with writing and grammar. I was wondering if someone could look at my essay and provide feedback and look at the various errors in the essay and see if this could actually win a scholarship. I would appreciate it a lot.

"To apply, submit a short essay (250 words maximum) on a problem or issue facing your community, state, nation, or the world, and explain how the ideals symbolized by one of the three torches on the seal could address that problem or issue."

Vires, which stands for physical, moral, and intellectual Strength;
Artes, which symbolizes knowledge, the appreciation of beauty, and Skill; and
Mores, which represents custom, tradition, and Character.

Vires
Bigotry, favoritism, hatred, and prejudice; these are the friends of discrimination. Throughout history, the world has shown itself to be not fair and neither tolerant. However, the age of information that we are currently living in can sap discrimination to its knees. The torch that can do this is Vires.
Vires stands for strength. Discrimination stands for nothing good. One of the ways Vires can fight discrimination is through its moral ideal. To have moral strength means to be virtuous and just. Moral strength has overcome many obstacles like in the battle for Gettysburg or in The Praise of Folly. One exciting time where moral strength succeeded in the United States was between the nineteenth century and the early twentieth century.
Here the Colt .45 of discrimination- stereotyping was trying its hardest to stop women's suffrage. Following the Civil War, American civil rights leaders such as Susan B. Anthony attempted to use moral strength invested in Vires to show the world that women were being discriminated against. The moral strength in courage allowed her to expose the impeccable truth that both genders should be able to vote no matter what. America never forgot this and with the passage of the Nineteenth Amendment, women were finally allowed to vote.
With this in mind, remember that discrimination still continues throughout every hour and every day. When discrimination shows its face, bring the fiery torch Vires and it will disappear. With the internet and Vires, discrimination will never stand again.

Actually, they are the causes of discrimination under one definition of the term, and the enemies of it under another.



Delete this sentence. It says nothing that your reader won't already know. Worse, it doesn't say it in a particularly original way.



So the information age has moral strength? The use of language is better here, but you aren't saying what you think you are saying. Revise.



This sentence is nonsensical. Delete or revise.



Again, Vires isn't fighting discrimination. Possibly people can fight discrimination, through Vires. Or possibly you mean that people with Vires are people who fight against discrimination.



No. Many men with guns overcame an obstacle (other men with guns) in the Battle of Gettysburg. As I recall, the people who won were fighting for power and land, by trying to keep another group of people from doing what both groups collectively had done together less than a century prior -- separate to form their own nation. I fail to see how this shows moral strength. You can still use the example -- most people have chosen to forget the historical facts in favor of nationalist mythmaking, but you still have to fix the phrasing.

I gave up editing your writing at this point. You need to revise your essay so that you are saying something that makes sense. Start by defining Vires (and no, "moral strength" won't do -- you have to say what moral strength means to you.) Then, talk about what people with that moral strength do, and how your own actions put you into that category.

Hmmm. Let's start with what I like. I like your colorful use of analogy. I like the use of the struggle for women's suffrage as an example, although you need to be more specific about how stereotyping (of women as too dumb to make decisions or too weak to stand the stress of voting) stood in the way.

That said, I mostly agree with Sean. Overall, the essay is incoherent because you've not explained your central point: how it is that Vires is supposed to defeat discrimination. Personally, I'd be inclined to look at the "intellectual strength" side of Vires, as that is required to combat lazy, stereotypical thinking and to challenge the received ideas that carry discrimination forward from generation to generation. Then I'd think about "physical strength" in relation to the very real power that the beneficiaries of discrimination hold. People fight back when you try to take their unearned privileges away from them.

Hello, I am sorry I did not mean to cause frustration or anything. I almost completely scraped that essay and wrote a whole new other one. I hope this one is coherent. If it isn't could provide some guidelines for coherence. Also it is actually good could you help me make it into a winner. I feel like I can become a very good writer with this website as it actually helps.

Thank you very much,
Syntaxmonster

Slavery, Genocide, and lynching; these are the manifestations of discrimination. History has shown that fighting these manifestations meant possessing great strength. The torch that possesses great strength is Vires.
Vires stands for strengths of all sorts moral, intellectual, or physical. To me, Vires means fighting ignorance and intolerance. One example where I fought exactly this was in my history classroom. Here, a classmate of mine was blaming all Germans for World War I. Not wanting to let this go, I remembered Vires in the form of a textbook and pointed out that it was fervent and uncompromising nationalism by many European countries that contributed to the start of WWI. However, that was not enough for him. He then showed his intolerance by calling a friend of mine a Nazi. Here I remembered that my parents taught me Vires in the form of moral strength. I responded to his diatribe by pointing out the fact that he has little intellectual strength as he goes on emotions rather than strength. After that he sunk back into his chair and I turned and smiled.
If it wasn't for Vires, I would have lost. I wouldn't have had the physical strength to confront him. Nor would have had the knowledge; and if it wasn't for my parents I wouldn't have been able to see what was the right thing to do in that situation. So, when discrimination shows its face, remember that all three ideals represented by Vires can set it on fire.

I like your user name!

History has shown that fighting these manifestations requires great strength.

The torch that signifies great strength is Vires.

Vires stands for strengths of all sorts — moral, intellectual, or physical.

pointed out that it was fervent and uncompromising nationalism by many European countries that contributed to the start of WWI.

This is a good start with an interesting example. But your language is very florid for such an everyday example. Why not also include an issue of the day, such as the ongoing genocide in Darfur and how extraordinarily difficult it has proved for the African Union to intervene in that violence?

Your new draft is much better than the first one. You have a clear definition of Vires, and an example that coherently shows how you possess it. That said, Simone is right -- you need a stronger example for the essay to be really convincing. The plight of the poor Germans who get teased because their country started two World Wars just doesn't move many people to outrage. In fact, the essay prompt specifically asks you to pick a larger issue (at least at the community level) and discuss how Vires might help solve it. I actually made a mistake when I advised you to talk about how you possessed Vires; I was thinking of a different prompt for the same university that came up a lot on this site around admissions time. In fact, you are writing on a slightly different prompt. Sorry if I confused you.

thank you i will take you guys up on your suggestions

Hello, I scraped the essay again and worked on something new. I am a little worried it is lacking some substance. Also I think I didnt read the prompt right as it says how it could do it like future. here it is-

Sudan is one of the most politically unstable countries in the world. In Darfur, stability is now needed more than ever. The Florida State symbol that can bring stability is Vires. With this "torch" there will finally be an end to the war in Darfur.
Vires stands for physical, moral, and intellectual strength. One way of using Vires is to stop warfare; Right now, Darfur is that field of strife. Physically, Vires can be used to create pressure on the Sudanese government with peacekeepers and militia. However, muscle isn't enough; moral strength needs to be utilized. Moral strength could be seen in public demonstrations condemning the actions of the Sudanese government. Moral strength is also in many jobs such as journalists and reporters who can expose the deaths of unarmed civilians.
The last ideal of Vires is intellectual strength. Intellectual strength is seen in many shapes and forms. Simply being attentive can let the dictatorship in Sudan know they are being watched. Knowledge also has its place. The more we know about the Sudanese dictatorship the weaker they get. The more the world sees the plight of the refugees or the unnecessary casualties of war the more the world lends its aid and time.
The situation in Darfur will end because of Vires. Vires is the symbol of strength that brings action. Whether it's through muscle, ethics, or intellect; Darfur will end.

Congratulations! This new essay is much more coherent and to the point of the prompt than your first effort. Now, let's work on making it better.

The chief weakness that I see, in terms of content, is with the conclusion. You simply assert that the genocide will end because of Vires. A more credible position would be that if the rest of the world is able to summon up Vires sufficiently, then the violence will cease. Also, don't say "Dafur will end," as this makes it sound like the place will be wiped off the map.

Some sentences need work. When you say, "Right now, Darfur is that field of strife," the "that" makes it sound like you are referring to something you have said previously, but there is no referent.

"The more the world sees the plight of the refugees or the unnecessary casualties of war, the more the people of theworld will lend its aid and time."

There are more fixes and improvements to be made, and I'm sure other forum members will point them out. But, certainly, this is a substantial improvement that can be the basis of a solid essay.

Your essay is definitely better content-wise. I sort of like your last paragraph, in that you are in a sense right. One way or another, through Vires, the situation in Darfur will end. And, given that the military might of the Sudanese government seems to be the main form of strength in play at the moment, "Darfur will end" is a relatively reasonable conclusion. However, I have to agree with Simone. You don't really want to argue that the situation in Darfur will end when Vires allows one side to wipe the other off of the map.

This raises a larger issue, which is that your essay lists the types of Vires without really connecting them. And while you don't technically have to connect them, your essay would be so much better if you did. For instance, you point out that Vires as physical strength isn't enough, but you mean it at the moment in the sense that the Sudanese government can't be stopped purely through military conflict. Whereas, if you were to talk from the outset about not merely ending the war, but ending it justly, then you have another way in which moral strength is needed as well. Then, you could easily tie in intellectual strength, in the sense of understanding the nuances of the ethnic differences between the groups involved.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you might want to write about Vires not as a word with three separate meanings, but as a word with one meaning that divides into three connected aspects, if that makes senses.