Ryerson undergraduate admission essay writing

Hi i've applied to Ryerson university this year, however i was told to submit an admission essay. There should be alot of grammar mistakes, and some sentences that do not make such senses. Since my English is not good,,, I hereby ask for help :) !!

Can you guys look over my grammars, and am I doing this right ? Any suggestions ?
Any changes will be welcome and really appreciated !!


Along with your completed Supplementary Application form, please include a separate, one or two page document for each program choice(s) in which you outline the reasons you decided to apply for this program, as well as details and factors relevant to the review of your application. On each document, include appropriate identifying information, including your first and last name, your Ryerson number, and the program choice. The format should be as follows: 250 to 500 words on 8.5" by 11" paper with 1" margins



It is my pleasure ...

SEE BELOW

One big issue, you mentioned York in your introduction however you're applying to Ryerson. I think that's a mistake you made.

thanks yah i think your right i need to fix that i guess it was typeing mistake here is my next darft.




REMOVED

Hello! I made the corrections below before noticing that this essay is also posted at Yahoo Answers. We are not allowed to have essays here if they are also posted elsewhere on the Internet. Please do not post anymore essays here if they are also posted elsewhere. However, I already came up with all this advice below:

Currently, I'm looking forward to pursuing an undergraduate degree at Ryerson University.

Right after that sentence, write two more sentences to complete the first paragraph. Let those sentences be ones that capture the central meaning of the essay. Do not start talking about your history until paragraph 2.

So, add to paragraph one after the above sentences. Then, begin paragraph 2 with this:

I completed my primary education in Afghanistan, but due to...

It is impressive that you have taken your education in Afganistan, because you have experience of the turmoil there. It is special knowledge that you have, and it shapes your character.

These sentences below will be great to include in the FIRST paragraph, because they tell your aspirations, your plan:

I was captivated by the business world ever since I was a teenager. I grew up within a business-minded family; however they were role models to me. Sometimes I followed them to work and experienced the world of business first-hand. They taught me how the business ran, such as merchandising and interpersonal relationship. Often I would help my parents out with fairly small tasks .

I scratched out what was not powerful. Do not include any sentences that are not powerful.

This is very impressive! You have so much experience! I think you should separate that long last paragraph into 2 paragraphs so that the last paragraph is all about Ryerson and its role in your plan for the future.

Thanks for your help , I revised , I would really appreciate someone will give more comments before i come up wit my final darft.
Thanks


It is my pleasure to be writing this letter in addition to my current application. I was born in August 28, 1989 in Kabul, Afghanistan and immigrated to Canada in April 2008. I'm looking forward to pursuing an undergraduate degree at Ryerson University. . I firmly believe it is the best university for me because the education I will obtain here will help me to give back to the community at large.
I completed my primary education in Afghanistan, but due to the war and difficult circumstances I emigrated from Afghanistan to Pakistan. Being a minority in Pakistan was never easy since I was often treated unfairly. Despite of all the social and financial challenges, I managed to continue my education. I graduated from high school in 2002 and got enrolled into the Afghan Immigrant University (Watershed University) majoring in computer science. I also attend several other English – speaking Institutes in order to further my education.
I was captivated by the business world ever since I was a teenager. I grew up within a business-minded family; they were role models to me. Sometimes I followed them to work and experienced the world of business first-hand. They taught me how the business ran, such as merchandising and interpersonal relationship. During these years I carefully observed that development of society is on hand of businessmen ajority of individuals will not find a job if these people would not take initiative in setting up such enormous organizations. Since that time, I was immensely motivated to get involved in business not only to earn profit but also to serve the society by providing employment in order to alleviate hunger and poverty from the economy. My parents encouraged me to understand the value of good education. Since childhood I always knew that education was important and I was striving to get access to education that would enable me to do what I want for the rest of my time. But this field of study was non-existent in Pakistan. Therefore, I focus on learning English as second language, which was the only way to continue my further studies if I would travel out of Pakistan. After I have come to Canada, I joined York University the Faculty of Liberal Arts & Professional Studies majoring Business Administration.
In addition to my studies, I am engaged in a variety of extracurricular activities in order to broaden my horizons and gain a competitive edge in my future business career. In the summer of 2008, I worked as intern for Pinstripe in order to know more about the working conditions and sales. I was really amazed after a working with such a hard working team. Almost everyone felt satisfied with my working condition. My significant duties was sale and responding to customers questions and concerns with professional manner in business environment .The insights to being directly involved into the business world and customers during these years gave me an opportunity to develop strong leadership skills. I realized even more how fascinated Aim with business and wanted to learn more about it. I researched the various courses related to business, accounting and economics.
After these years of hard work I have come to conclusion that Ryerson is a step towards accomplishing my goal. My first contact with the with business and economics was since young age. Although I learned only basic theories at that time, but working in Canadian environment, reading several business and economic books afterwards strengthened and my interest in business and economics. I can clearly states that my knowledge, first t hand experience, observations, and strong leadership skills will help me to gain well-established fundamentals and contribute to my success. I choose Ryerson to continue my education because I am concerned not only about studies but also about my professional future. Ryerson has distinctive undergraduate program that blends theory with real-world experience, and in such a program I will be able to transform into a business marvel. I will be honored to be chosen as a student, continuing my education at Ryerson University

I see that this no longer appears on Yahoo Answers, and I cannot find any of it elsewhere on the Web, so I think it is okay for us to have it here at EssayForum. we can only have content that does not appear on other websites.

I like the way you revised to organize the paragraphs; the presentation looks much better now. Now I see that each paragraph has a great topic sentence, and you deliver them in a logical order. They are even mostly uniform in size. This is a big improvement!

I agree with Kevin.

Here are a few further suggestions:

Being a minority in Pakistan was never easy; I was often treated unfairly.

I have been captivated by the business world ever since I was a teenager.

Since that time, I have been immensely motivated to get involved in business, not only to earn profit but also to serve the society by providing employment in order to alleviate hunger and poverty from the economy.

majoring in Business Administration

My first contact with the with business and economics was at a young age

Hello !
Thanks everyone for great comment and feedback I revised and improve my essay. Currently I'm applying for 3 different program at Ryerson university.

• 1 International Economics & Finance
• 2, Undeclared Science
• 3, Business Management (PT)

and they are asking me :

Along with your completed Supplementary Application form, please include a separate, one or two page document for each program choice(s) in which you outline the reasons you decided to apply for each program, as well as details and factors relevant to the review of your application. On each document, include appropriate identifying information, including your first and last name, your Ryerson number, and the program choice. The format should be as follows: 250 to 500 words on 8.5" by 11" paper with 1" margins

My essay is general do I need to mention every program individually or how ??, I have no idea I would really appreciate if some help.

According to the instructions, you must write an additional, separate, document for each program, giving your specific reasons for applying to that program in particular and listing the reasons why you should be accepted into that program. Take them one at a time. For each, brainstorm and then outline what you want to say. Then draft each document. Write short, simple sentences that go directly to the point.

Yes, writing about why you are interested in the programs to which you are drawn is a GREAT process of self-expression. It should be the most enjoyable thing you do all week. Express yourself, and let it come from the heart. This is where you paint your masterpiece, where you apply the first few brushstrokes to the canvas of your career.

If you are interested in a subject of study of type of work, there must be a reason that is rooted in your deepest philosophy about life. What is your prsonal philosophy? What will make life meaningful? Explain yourself!! And enjoy it.

On the off chance that you picked the three topics you did (or at least one or two of them) because the topics sort of interested you, rather than being burning passions of yours, you should bear in mind the following advice:

"The key to success in life is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made."

So, if you don't have a great deal of enthusiasm for one or more of the programs, go to the university website and see how they describe the programs. What does the university pride itself on? The departments themselves? What key words and concepts do they use in their sales pitch? Then, use those key ideas to craft an outline for an application essay that will reflect those ideas back at the university admissions people. It's really very easy to flatter people once you know what they pride themselves on. At the very least, such an approach will indicate to the admissions people that you cared enough to research the programs before applying to them.

That's a good suggestion even if your interest is sincere. When writing an application of any kind -- job application, grant application, admissions application -- it's always useful to integrate the target audience's own way of talking about the topic at hand.