Roommate Essay- Stanford Supp. is it okay?

Is this okay? or do you have any suggestions on how to change it?


***Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.


Dear Future Roommate,

Like most people, I do not fit into any one specific stereotype. Even if I did, I would hope not to be defined by it because I feel that stereotypes mask the true identity of a person. I believe that you can get a much better idea of a person by looking at their interests, beliefs, family, etc., so I will try my best to paint you the fullest picture of myself that I can using fewer than 2000 characters.
In order to avoid any future awkwardness resulting from questions such as "What does your mom do?", I will tell you right off the bat that my mother passed away in 2004 after overdosing on heroin. I loved my mother very much, still do, and I do not mind talking about her, so do not be afraid to ask me questions on that subject if you ever want to know more.
Onto a lighter subject, I enjoy skateboarding (I actually do tricks), soccer, volleyball, reading, and politics. I can talk about Harry Potter for hours and I will admit I enjoy playing Pokemon. As far as music is concerned, I would choose listening to The Beatles over many of the songs on the radio today. Though my tastes have mellowed out a bit, I still enjoy going back to my punk rock roots every once in a while. I am both strong willed and open minded. I am Catholic, but if you are not, I will not try to convert you. I do not believe in forcing religion or ideas onto people. I am fairly competitive, but it is mainly with myself. My dream is to become President of the United States. Someday, if I am ever able to put my thoughts into words, you might hear why. I generally get along with everybody, so as long as you refrain from "your mom" jokes ("yo mama" jokes are usually okay), I do not foresee any problems and I look forward to meeting you.

here is another essay for the supplement that I just finished. Once again, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

I am fascinated with government and politics. More specifically, I am fascinated with the unfortunate reality that many people do not trust their government leaders-- even if they voted for them! It seems crazy to me that the people with whom we bestow power are not people with whom we bestow our trust. But really, do our elected officials deserve our trust? With all of the scandals floating around these days, it seems almost as if they are actually trying to lose our confidence. A person is supposed to enter into government because they want to serve the people, but many people feel that those in government merely want to serve themselves. I am not that cynical. I do not believe that all government leaders are corrupt, but it only takes one big scandal to ruin it for everyone-- and there has been more than just one big scandal. On the other hand, if one scandal can make that big of a difference, is it possible that one positive voice in politics can make just as big of a difference? That notion is a driving force in my decision to enter into politics. I want to enter into politics to actually help the people of this great nation live better lives, and I want to leave politics knowing that I did just that. I want to be a leader that the people can trust, that people can rely on to make the right decisions and not get caught up in partisan politics or money swindling operations. I want to be a leader of the people, by the people, and for the people. I feel this nation does not deserve any less.

I know your being reflective and trying to have a laid back tone in the first essay, but I really thinkg you have to go a little deeper, provdie some analysis about yourself, not just what you like, go more into what type of person you are. After Harvard, I don't know if theres a harder college in America to get into than Stanford so you really need these essays to stand out and convey somethign vivid about you, and right now this is just an average essay that won't enhance your application because it doesn't add that extra element or dimension you need in these college essays.

I read some essays of people who said they got accepted and they said that you did not have to be too formal for that one, as long as you wrote in complete sentences and everything. Some of their essays were even less formal than mine...regardless, are there any tips on how to make it more formal and deeper? I can't really add anything to it because it is right at the character limit but is there anything that I should cut out completely and replace with something else?

also does anyone have any opinions on my second essay? writing is not something i consider a strong point of mine, so anything helps.

oh and I realize that it is actually 1800 characters, not 2000, I have fixed that error.

i'll read the second one and get back to you when i get a chance, generally speaking you always want to go beyond the obvious depths, even for suplemental essays. There are lots and lots of kids who get accepted with flat essays, but thats a slippery slope, i have no idea what your credentials are for stanford but unless your some top ranked national athlete or some national science bowl champ or something like that, it's always best to assume your a borderline candidate, and if you are one then these essays and these little things do make a difference. Remember, schools like stanford turn down almost 3/4 of kids with perfect SAT scores, you always want to make everything you write something that can set you part. Anyway, enough of that, its always hard to give advice to somebody on how to go more deep because really you have all the answers to that question. The thing you need to do in your essay is be more reflective of your character, your intellect, who you are as a person, not just list what you like which comes across as the focus of your essay. It's not alot of space, but you can still convey unique deeper characteristics about you, what they are i don't know, but think harder and my advice would be look at some essays which do go into that depth, you can recognize one when you see one. You'll get a better sense of how to write that way. Anyway hope that helps, good luck with Stanford, if you get a chance could you look at my essays which are scattered around here? Thanks alot