a rocket launch - Common App Prompt: "Evaluate a significant experience"

All criticisms welcome. Please check, for grammar, syntax, word choice, and flow of ideas problems. Did I answer the question fully? Thanks.

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Faintly I heard...

SEE BELOW

my eyes were requited with the sight

to requite means to avenge, or to return, according to answers.com....


I discovered that I wanted my future career to be an Aerospace Engineer for NASA.

unnecessarily wordy, in my opinion. you can easily state this thought with "I wanted to become an Aerospace Engineer for NASA."


pretty good and a nice length. maybe you can expand upon how before you didn't necessarily know your interests, or what direction you were headed in life. adding a bit more background on how you were not sure of your future interests in the past can contrast with what you have come to learn about yourself now to perhaps make this experience seem more significant. also, the second to last paragraph was a bit wordy with a lot of adjectives. it was a bit hard for me to follow.

good luck :)

Thanks for the comment. I have revised my essay and I think it is a clearer than before.

Faintly I heard 3! ... 2! ... Why was someone counting down? Where was I? 1! ... A thousand more questions rushed into my head. Launch! Incapable of restraining myself any further, I tore the blindfold off and let the light gush into my eyes. After a few seconds of senseless searching, my eyes came across the sight of a steaming rocket in the distance. I was stuck with a sense of curious delight, and as quickly as the first, I was overcome with profound anticipation. I entered a half-conscious state for I could see but not see anything else, I could hear but not hear anything else, and I could think but not think about anything else; but about the phenomenon that was occurring before me. On that day, April 20th, 2004, I witnessed a rocket launch for the first time at the Vandenberg Air Force Base.

My eyes dilated and my heart raced, as my brain tried frantically to compile all of the thoughts and emotions rushing through my head. I resuscitated and took my dad's binoculars determined to get a better view of the rocket, and as soon as I peered through them, I was mesmerized once again. The subtlety of the roar of the engines became apparent as I saw every detail of the rocket. As I watched, I noticed how every one of its mechanical parts worked in unison, giving it a poetic prose.

The rocket soared higher and higher, and at one point the sunlight reflected off of the rocket and momentarily blinded me; however, when I saw the rocket again I saw the symbol that penetrated my heart and became engraved in my vision of my future. I saw the round red, white and blue insignia of NASA. At that moment I saw no distinction between the sky and the rocket, only the insignia that dragged me into the unknown frontier along with it. All of my worries disappeared as I found what I had been searching for: a direction to my life.

Since childhood, I had always been especially interested in subjects involving science and mathematics, and this passion instilled within me logical and coherent critical thinking skills. To me, every question was a puzzle that could be deciphered and solved. Therefore, the logical implications that occur in mathematics and science, along with their practical application further aroused my profound interest in these subjects. I was fascinated by the technology of the world, always wanting to know why something acted the way it did. Math and science provided the answer, and this drive engendered in me an insatiable hunger for knowledge. However, as I accumulated more knowledge I realized there was too much scientific information for me to possibly ever know. I needed a focus, but whether to choose physics, the science of matter and energy; chemistry, the science of the composition, structure, properties, and reactions of matter; or biology, the science of life and of living organisms, had always eluded me.

Thus, at this pivotal moment in my life I stumbled upon the perfect harmony between my love of math and science, and the awe inspiring scene that I was currently witnessing. I discovered that I wanted to be an Aerospace Engineer for NASA, a career that requires intense mathematical prowess, along with solid understandings of physics and chemistry. As a result, this ephemeral event of witnessing a rocket launch provided me with the guide post that I had been searching for on the winding road of life. Now I truly contend that the saying "the sky's the limit" no longer applies to me, for entire universe is my limit.

Can any moderator correct this? Thanks.
Gahhh darn it I should've left it down there, I just realized the moderators are correcting the latter first.

Well, I don't know if it needs correction, because you write very well and make correct use of colons, semi-colons, commas....

However, I think the first paragraph is confusing... why were you blindfolded?

I think you can improve this by taking advantage of the opportunity to make connections between this experience and your interest in math and science. You should get specific about your plans for the future to show them how serious you are. Some of your writing here, the description, is really excellent, but some can be cut out to make room for the inclusion of more about how the experience affected your academic and professional aspirations.

Also, in the first paragraph, instead of ending it by saying the date and whatnot, end it by saying something meaningful about how seeing the launch affected your interests. Then, reflect on that at the end.

Also, please check out the EF contributor page, you could help a lot of people with their descriptions. And it looks good on applications.

Thanks Kevin, and I will correct those. Also, as soon I finish my application I will be more than happy to help and become a contributor.

Hey, I've written my one of Stanford supplements. I decided to go a little more informal on this one, tell me what you think. It's also like 10 characters over the limit, any ideas on what to change? Please check, for grammar, syntax, word choice, and flow of ideas problems. Did I answer the prompt fully?

Prompt: Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

Are humans truly insignificant? We can do so much yet accomplish so little. Why is it that after all of our endeavors that we do usually end up with little recognition?

We spend our entire lives basically trying to surpass other humans. In education there are the scholarly students who wish to win acceptance into a college, and obtain degrees that predominately claim their mastery of a certain subject. Businesses conduct illegal practices in order to increase their revenue, and amass such fortunes that most of these tycoon's give away their fortunes to charities or similar organizations. Yet, how many people will notice and appreciate such accomplishments?

If we feed a million people, millions more will still starve. If we can provide shelter for thousands, millions more will freeze. If we can provide an education for hundreds, millions more will be uneducated. If we can give ten people the gift of life, millions more will die. If we can make just one person happy, millions more will suffer.

Therefore, I want to go beyond the mundane ritual of work and leisure that American society so casually values. I want to help more than America, more than all of humanity; I want to help the world and everything within it. Impossible? It is, but it is impossible goals such as these that make us see our true potential because you have to dream big if you wish to accomplish anything, for falling short of dreams is just human nature. I want to set an example to all of humanity, that if one person can accomplish such a feat, imagine the possibilities that can arise if we all rise up from our couches and comfortable homes, and give back to the world that has given us so much. We can make a difference in the world, and become a significant driving force towards a positive future.

The paragraph where you say millions and thousands and hundreds. Get rid of that one. I think it was the kind of paragraph that comes from the cool, rhythmic place in a good writer's mind, but it is not actually compatible with the rest. It is unclear. I think if you get inspired, you can capture the meaning of that whole para in a single sentence, and that will get you within the word count. that is what I would do...