My response to the UCLA prompt 1

UCLA prompt- Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

This is a rough draft! PLEASE HELP!

Where I come from has basically shaped ...

SEE BELOW


WRITE AND ENDING THAT SUMMARIZES

there are a few typos/misspellings

overally- overall
tragi- tragic
stil- still
no- not
throught- through
families- family's
excell- excel

I also don't think that saying you come from a great area and a good family as your main argument for the person you are. It is alright to include those things, maybe in a "I recognize that I am very fortunate..." section. You might want to elaborate on your mom's struggle to rise up through the ranks and then maybe say that her example has given you a strong work ethic or something.

just a few tips and things, I hope they help a bit.

UCLA PROMPT 1
OKAY I MADE A FEW CHANGES I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO ELABORATE MORE ABOUT MY SCHOOL.

Where I come ...


SEE BELOW

Through all my experiences and struggles, I plan to excel in the field of nursing and maybe continue to become a doctor. I know there will be many obstacles along the bay but I am well prepared.

HELP WITH THE ENDING!

SEE BELOW

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this is the uc app prompt 1, so as another person posted about mine, maybe focus on either how your experiences brought you to your dream-medical field, or focus more on your dream and how things affected/influenced your decision to pursue them.
your essay seemed rather short. lots of things you can still add about yourself

Thank you, I just dont know what else to say about my school and any other things to add.

your life couldnt have been that boring. Find things that show who you are, examples and events, you talk about your mother's influence, and as bmachado posted, show an example maybe..
add any experience with the medical field, unless you want to add that to your second essay. how about your interactions with people in your school, community and show why you want to help <my own term > other people by pursuing a medical field degree.

ok thank you i will try to be more descriptive.

HERE I ADDED A FEW REVISIONS

Where I come from has shaped ...

SEE BELOW

Where I come from has shaped who I am and why I am an ambitious, generous, and overall happy person. I grew up in a single family home; my dad was around, but he did not live with me. My mother was and still is a hard worker; she has always wanted the best for me. (Not a big deal, but two semi commas in a row.) She echoed every day the same statement of all parents, "Go to school to get your education so you can go to college". She always stressed how important it was to go to college because she herself didn't have a degree. I will never forget some of those rough times we had, struggling to find our next meal, or shivering in her room because we did not have any heat, but not once did she give up. My mom works for Kaiser Hospital and has been working there for over 16 years. (My mom has worked for Kaiser Hospital for over 16 years.) She started off as a receptionist in the emergency room and worked her way up to an administrator. I can recall spending many days at the hospital with her, I loved being there, watching the doctors in orthopedics administering cast, talking to the nurses, and seeing all the satisfied patients. From watching my mom's determination and strong work ethic and seeing those doctors, I knew I had to do something in the medical field.

My school has also played a big roll role in my life. I attended a small charter school, View Park Prepatory, with the best teachers, and I received the one on one help that I needed. Thanks to them, I excelled in math and really enjoyed reading at a very young age. My high school experience was different than when I attended View Park Prepatory, my new school was enormous with so many diverse people and everyone was independent. It was definitely a culture shock, but I soon adapted. Although, I started to notice I didn't get the same attention. I was used to and the teachers didn't really seem to care, so for my 10th grade year I attended this alternative school. It was amazing, I attended school once a week, and I got all the help I needed, much like View Park. Although, once again there was a problem, I realized this school couldn't help me prepare for college; I was so devastated because I had just realized I really wanted to work in the medical field. I would hate to have to go to another school and it was senior year but if it meant getting into a good university and fulfilling my goal to become a nurse, I was willing do whatever it took.




Through all my experiences and struggles, I plan to excel in the field of nursing and maybe continue to become a doctor. I know there will be many obstacles along the way but I am well prepared.

Thank you so much that really helped me, I think I should be able to finish my essay now.

I think it's great that you got rid of the word basically. Never use that word, not in speech, writing, telepathy, or any other form of communication.


:-)


Same with "hobby." Bad word. But it's bad for a different reason. "Basically" is bad, because, basically, it shows that you can't figure out how to capture your own full meaning. It's like a disclaimer that says, "I don't know how to explain this effectively." The word hobby is bad, because it sounds like something unimportant... like a pastime. If something is worth doing, it is worth being passionate about, because every day is sacred.

Sorry for the rant!!! I also want to say that I am impressed with all the work you did and all the great feedback here.

Thank you for that.