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Princeton Supplemental Essay


Angela629 [Contributor] 9-121 Edited by: Moderator  Dec 18, 08, 07:12pm  #
Can someone review my supplemental essays? Thanks for any advice on the structure and grammar, greatly appreciated.

Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application.

My vacation of 2007 was fruitful. I practiced figure skating, competed and received 3rd place. This sport is very popular in the UAE, where the summer can be hot as hell, and doing icy sport in a desert city is such a blessing. However, I was fond of it for different reason. Having a moment of silence in a world where verbal communication predominates is my way to relax. Figure skating is also one thing that carves me the person I am today. Through this sport, I learned how to be confident to prepare for whatever that will happen.
My 2008 vacation happened in China, where I had a very exciting trip. We started from GuangZhou, where I visited Sun Yat-sen University of Liberal Education. The school was built in 1924 by Dr. Sun Yat-Sen, father of modern China. I was very grateful that he created one of the key universities of our nation. After visiting GuangZhou, we stopped at WuYi Mountains, a famous holiday resort. The trip was fun, we rafted along the 9-straits river, climbed the Roaring Tiger Mountain, seen the thread-of-sky and so much more. However, they are not as exciting as seeing the Otters and Amoy Tiger on the day we left. Later, we stayed at our hometown for nearly a month after the tour of Beijing. As soon as we arrived, I can't wait to see the place where I grew up. The smell of fresh soil and the sound of bargaining in the market remind me of everything as I was passing by. I spent the month recalling the places, did labs and joined sketching. I studied hard from July to September for SAT in Beijing, and was rewarded with a good result. While living there, I figure skated in a rink next to the house; experienced teaching others at a language institute; continued sketching; visited TsingHua and Beijing University; saw the Olympics and cheered for my favorite team. I was even lucky enough to see Ms. Elaine Chao and Mr. Randt, U.S secretary of labor and ambassador. I had more fun in HongKong, where I developed the theory about the different places I have been to and how China has changed itself over the past 4 years. I was surprised that after living in 2 different countries, I was able to see things from different perspectives and learned so much more that I didn't know about. I was so different from whom I was before leaving China, and this trip really helped me to realize that.



Option 2: Using the statement below as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed you approached the world.
"Princeton in the nation's service" was title of a speech given by Woodrow Wilson on the 150th anniversary of the University. It became the unofficial Princeton motto and was expanded for the University's 250th anniversary to "Princeton in the nation's service and in the service of all nations" (476)

REMOVED

Angela Wang, EssayForum Contributor
 
EF_Kevin [Moderator] 2-3961 Edited by: EF_Kevin  Dec 19, 08, 01:56pm  #
This part might be offensive to some people. Better to be safe and get rid of it... besides, it is a cliche:

This sport is very popular in the UAE, where the summer can be miserably hot, and doing icy sport in a desert city is such a blessing.

The trip was fun; we rafted along the 9-straits river, climbed the Roaring Tiger Mountain, viewed the thread-of-sky and so much more.

I was surprised that after living in two different countries, I was able to learn so much more by considering everything from two different perspectives.

You have such an interesting life!! Most of us just stay in one country and let the time pass by...

:)


Kevin, EssayForum.com
 
Angela629 [Contributor] 9-121  Dec 20, 08, 12:33pm  #
Thanks for the comment.

But i think the essay itself is not so strong, can someone help me with that?

Angela Wang, EssayForum Contributor
 
Pyramus 2-8  Dec 20, 08, 12:45pm  #
There are several basic problems in your second main essay.

Tenses! Very important to keep active!

"Every time there are projects or labs regarding the subject, I'd always participate actively because I have a greater fascination in this subject than any other."

See the problem with the tenses?

So first fix all those conflicting tenses first.
 
Angela629 [Contributor] 9-121  Dec 22, 08, 05:57pm  #
Can anyone else provide further comments, I really thought these essays have a little problems. Please be as harsh as necessary. Every comment is welcomed.

Angela Wang, EssayForum Contributor
 
Angela629 [Contributor] 9-121 Edited by: Moderator  Dec 26, 08, 07:32pm  #
This is my revised version of the essay, please feel welcomed to give any comments.

REMOVED

Angela Wang, EssayForum Contributor
 
zowzow [Contributor] 11-201  Dec 26, 08, 08:08pm  #
others' businesses (needed to match the subject by being plural)

They were all here to preach the religion and to help the society.

as Pyramus said, you still have frequent grammar errors

they said (its past here)to me, "You will be blessed with what you did." That moment, it seems (here it is present) to me, that I am about to ingress a new phase of life.

you need to go over the essay carefully and adjust these tense errors. these are the most frequent, easily made errors in the essay process as you need to keep it either present or past. (or if you're a great writer like Shakespeare, you don't need to)

I can't (separate them. cannot is more formal) say

and also your essay is a bit, a tiny bit too long. I mean your essay is great and intersting but still 1000 words for a suppliment essay describing your extracuricular activities is too much I think. Though I could be wrong and Prinston may want 1000 word essays.

:)

Marcellinus Jun Ha Lyu, EssayForum Contributor
 
Angela629 [Contributor] 9-121  Dec 27, 08, 10:30am  #
Thanks for pointing out my mistakes. When I read my essay, I knew there were something that has to be wrong, but I can't really find it.

How about my structure? I mean does this essay not saying what I want it to say? I saw others' princeton essays. They're much better than mine, but honestly, I don't know how to improve it? can someone suggest some advice?

Thanks so much,
Angela629

Angela Wang, EssayForum Contributor
 
Angela629 [Contributor] 9-121  Dec 27, 08, 05:27pm  #
I reconsidered about your advice, but I don't know what to cut in my essay, can someone suggest some way? Thanks so much.

I changed my essay a little bit,

Option 2: Using the statement below as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed you approached the world.
"Princeton in the nation's service" was title of a speech given by Woodrow Wilson on the 150th anniversary of the University. It became the unofficial Princeton motto and was expanded for the University's 250th anniversary to "Princeton in the nation's service and in the service of all nations" (476)

Since my first science lesson, I have determined to be involve in this world of imagination. At Dubai National School, I was one of the best students in the subject. I guess my fascination in science can be explained by the fact that ever since I was little, I have loved to see the phenomenons through my eyes and found out why they happen. My curiousity is the engine that lead me to the next stage of my wisdom, and without them, I wouldn't be learning to who I am today.

My fondess for the subject gradually and unconsciously increased as I stepped into the world of science and technology. While in Dubai National School, I participated in many projects and labs, and sometimes, even designed my own experiments. At first, I thought it would be fun to do all these things by myself, but only after I joined home school, I realize it wasn't just infatuation. Learning all the enchanting courses by myself, in some way, attracted me deeper into exploration and everyday, I couldn't keep myself away from opening the pages. I became addicted in the subject because everything about it makes me wonder into wild imagination.

Home schooling had planted the seed of my interest that is nourished when I came to US, where I learned a valuable lesson helping others. It was a few days before Thanksgiving, and the street is already filled with joy. As I walk back to the rented apartment, I saw the flyer for the Feast of Sharing. It's a charitable event that offers meals as well as activities for citizens before a big festival like Thanksgiving. It was recruiting volunteers for the event and since I never had any volunteer experience, why not give it a try.

Most workers there were volunteers and they wish for the better of the society. As soon as I was assigned with a chore, I quickly putted on the apron and entered the line of work, where I met the Elders from church. They were here to preach the religion and help the society. "It's a honor to give a hand to your brothers and sisters when they need assistance." they said to me, "You will be blessed with what you did." That moment, it seems to me, that I am about to ingress a new phase of life.

It was a sunny day as the residents in the area flew in to Walter E. Washington convention center. Starting from morning, there were people waiting at the door for this annual feast. Some of them wanted to spend time with their loved ones, some of them wanted a warm environment for reunion, and some homeless were simply looking for a warm meal during holiday seasons. These people had different colors of skin and came from different backgrounds, but they had one thing in common. They were all grateful of the event, which provided them not only with food, but warmth from the society as well.

Seeing so many delightful faces at the event changed my view of volunteering. Before I joined volunteer, I thought help would not be much appreciated. When I was in the UAE, I never did any volunteer works because there wasn't any. There, volunteering as an unprofessional is somehow similar to interfering with others' businesses. However, I guess now I can understand why people in the America likes to do charity work. They think that no matter how what you have done for the society, you are part of the things that makes it a better place. It's clear to me now, the words of the Elders', the thank from the homeless, the blessing from the chef, and the happy faces from the event.

It was incredible. Both the people and the feeling. Looking back now, all I did in the last 15 years was looking for others' help and receive people's love. I didn't stop to give my candy to the orphan on the road, I didn't spare my allowance for the food of the homeless, and I didn't thought of contributing for the community's need. I didn't do it because I don't think they needed my help, rather went on my life without knowing that the society is made of every one linking to each others. This experience really help me to understand the true meaning of life. We are one and every thing that we can feel being connected to is every one surrounds us. We are nothing but a group of lonely creatures that needed love and warmth to survive. If everyone igore their responsibility in this society, what is left of us?

Understanding the importance of interactions in the world we live in, I started to volunteer and contribute as much as I can. I participated in the EssayForum, an online website that helps writing, and became a contributor for the website to help others with their writings. I volunteered for the Art of the Arab World at John F. Kennedy Center, using my trilinguial skill and experience to help people view what life is at the other side of the world.

I can't say that my help is going to change people's lives or alter the world, but I can say that I certainly hope my contribution would make their lives better, little by little. I like the way that I can contribute something to the community. And I like that volunteering helped me realize my goal in the future. I want to do something useful to the people that I live with and hope that my knowledge and power can bring more smiling faces. This is my ultimate goal in applying to Princeton, because it's the place where I can be shaped into the person I want to be.

Any comment is welcomed, thanks for help.

Angela Wang, EssayForum Contributor
 
EF_Kevin [Moderator] 2-3961 Edited by: EF_Kevin  Dec 28, 08, 11:29am  #
First, should we capitalize the words in the title of the speech?

"Princeton in the Nation's Service" was title of a speech given by Woodrow Wilson on the 150th anniversary of the University.

I wonder if they capitalize it when writing it as their motto, like this:

It became the unofficial Princeton motto and was expanded for the University's 250th anniversary to "Princeton in the Nation's Service and in the Service of all Nations" (476)

Since my first science lesson, I have determined to be involved in this world of imagination. At Dubai National School, I was one of the best students in the subject. I guess my fascination with science can be explained by the fact that, ever since I was little, I have loved to see the phenomenons through my eyes and found out why they happen. My curiosity is the engine that led me to the next stage of my wisdom, and without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.

My fondness for the subject gradually and unconsciously increased as I stepped into the world of science and technology. While in Dubai National School, I participated in many projects and labs, and sometimes, even designed my own experiments. At first, I thought it would be fun to do all these things by myself, but only after I joined home school, I realize it wasn't just infatuation. Learning all the enchanting lessons by myself, in some way, attracted me deeper into exploration and everyday, I couldn't keep myself away from opening the pages. I became addicted in the subject, because everything about it makes me wonder into wild imagination.

Home schooling planted the seed of my interest, which was nourished when I came to US, where I learned a valuable lesson helping others. It was a few days before Thanksgiving, and the street was already filled with joy. As I walk back to the rented apartment, I saw the flyer for the Feast of Sharing. It's a charitable event that offers meals as well as activities for citizens before a big festival like Thanksgiving. Volunteers were being recruited for the event, and since I had never had any volunteer experience, I thought, why not give it a try.

Most workers there were volunteers, and they wish for the betterment of the society. As soon as I was assigned with a chore, I quickly put on the apron and entered the line of work, where I met the Elders from church. They had come to preach the religion and help the society. "It's a honor to give a hand to your brothers and sisters when they need assistance." They said to me, "You will be blessed with what you did." That moment, it seems to me, that I am about to ingress a new phase of life.

It was a sunny day as the residents in the area flew in to Walter E. Washington convention center. Starting from morning, there were people waiting at the door for this annual feast. Some of them wanted to spend time with their loved ones, some of them wanted a warm environment for reunion, and some homeless people were simply looking for a warm meal during holiday season. These people had different colors of skin and came from different backgrounds, but they had one thing in common. They were all grateful for the event, which provided them not only with food, but also warmth from the society as well.

Seeing so many delightful faces at the event changed my view of volunteering. Before I joined as a volunteer, I thought help would not be much appreciated. When I was in the UAE, I never did any volunteer works because there were no such opportunities. There, volunteering as a nonprofessional seemed somehow similar to interfering with others' businesses. However, now I can understand why people in the America like to do charity work. They think that no matter how what you have done for the society, you are part of the things that makes it a better place. It's clear to me now -- the words of the Elders, the thanks from the homeless, the blessing from the chef, and the happy faces from the event.

It was incredible -- both the people and the feeling. Looking back now, all I did in the last 15 years was looking for others' help and receive people's love. I didn't stop to give my candy to the orphan on the road, I didn't spare my allowance for the food of the homeless, and I didn't think of contributing for the community's need. I didn't do it because I didn't think they needed my help; rather, I went on with my life without knowing that the society is made of every one linking to each others. This experience really helped me to understand the true meaning of life. We are all one, and the interconnectedness that we can feel enables us to live in bliss. We are nothing but a group of lonely creatures that need love and warmth to survive. If everyone ignores their responsibility in this society, what is left of us?

Understanding the importance of interactions in the world we live in, I started to volunteer and contribute as much as I can. I participated in the EssayForum, an online website that helps writing, and I became a contributor for the website to help others with their writing. I volunteered for the Art of the Arab World at John F. Kennedy Center, using my trilinguial skill and experience to help people view what life is like at the other side of the world.

I can't say that my help is going to change people's lives or alter the world, but I can say that I certainly hope my contribution will make their lives better, little by little. I like the way that I can contribute something to the community. And I like the fact that volunteering helped me understand my goal for the future: I want to do something useful for the people that I live with and hope that my knowledge and power can bring more smiling faces. This is my ultimate goal in applying to Princeton, because it's the place where I can be shaped into the person I want to be.

Wow, this is a very deep essay. I see that you work very hard to write well in English. You can speak three different languages?! I am glad we have you as a contributor now, at EssayForum. Good luck in school!

Kevin, EssayForum.com
 

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