The place we come from determines the person - UC admission essay

Can somebody read my essay and give me some feedback, good or bad.Thank you, any help would be great!

Prompt #1: Describe the world you came from and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

The place we come from determines the person we are and who we will be in the future. The environment, which I consider to be the people around me, such as my family and friends, inspired me to become the person I am today, someone who wants a successful future. I grew up around people who believed that I had a potential to be better, which made want to be better as a person. But my family and friends believed the best way to achieve my goals and dreams was to leave my home and go to America.

I lived in Ethiopia for eight years and in those years I have heard people talk about how much they wanted to leave and go to America because they wanted a better life. All the talk influenced me to want to get out of this place and achieve my goals. In Ethiopia I wouldn't have had the same opportunity I have now, in California. Not only did the talk impact me but also the way most people lived. Most people believe that a good environment inspires them to be better and a bad environment influences then in a bad way but for me it 's, in some situations, the exact opposite. My grandmother, my uncles and aunts all lived together in a one-bedroom house, made of mud. They didn't have a lot of money, some worked and others were lazy. Seeing that every time I went to my grandmothers' house made me want to work even harder in school and improving my life so I don't have to live like them. I may sound harsh but it's not exactly the life people want, if they had a choice they would choose the better life in a heartbeat. Me, I have a choice and I choose the better life, it may mean that I would have to work even harder but I accept that challenge because it is worth it in the end. I am not mad at my parents for taking me away from Ethiopia because, well, it's a third world country. It's not exactly a place where I want to spend the rest of my life.

Both my parents had impacted me the most because they have sacrificed their lives by leaving our home and our friends by moving to America. My dad graduated high school, went to college and became an account where he made good money but he gave all that up and now works as a security guard. My mom graduated from high school and got a job, she loved what she did and was given awards for her hard work. She gave up her good life to become a cashier. This selfless act inspired me to get good grades and attend college and then become somebody. They didn't care about their lives any more they only cared about me and my future. They may not have minded leaving their home but I felt bad from all they have sacrificed the least I can do is make they and myself proud. They pushed me into working very hard ever since I came to America so I could go to a university. I realize that everything they have done or said, whether it be buying me whatever I wanted or not letting me hang out with my friends every weekend, they did for my future. They may be a little harsh at times and I may hate that but when I grow up I will look back at these moments and think about how it lead me too a good future, I would thank them.

My world, my family shaped me into who I am and will become, they also shaped my dreams because they inspired and encouraged me to lead a better life than they or their parents did. My parents' method of raising me taught me to work hard to achieve good things in life and be successful. Without them I don't think I would be the same person I am today, I have learned a lot about life and the importance of education from them. They shaped me into a hardworking, kind, caring person, who will do anything for my future and help my family. I will continue on pursuing my dreams and following my career path that will lead me to a better life.

I'd like to see you focus more closely on place. You define environment as people but then, somewhat contradictorily, say that California offered you opportunities you would not have had in Ethiopia. To make this essay really stand out, describe both Ethiopia and California vividly. Show that you understand how not only people but places shape us. Then the essay will be more consistent with its title and first line as well as more intellectually complex.

i think you should add variety to the sentence structure, because all of the sentences seem to be roughly the same structure

Yeah I agree.. You should focus more on your grammar, maybe let an English teacher revise it.

As for the content, try to make it more focused. Unlike what Simone said, people are part of the world you come from, but try to include something about the place as well..
Aren't there any ways that you can show that you're hardworking, kind, and caring.
Oh, and how did the bad situation in Ethiopia changed you and your personality? That would be juicy..

The overall idea of defining your family as a part of your environment is fine, but your way of introducing the idea is, as Simone said, contradictory. This is the logic you have at the moment:

Environment is mostly the people around you.
I had great family and friends in Ethiopia.
They all wanted to leave for California.

So, I was in a great environment, but wanted to go to one in which I knew no one (i.e., a bad environment).

We know what you mean, but you have to explain yourself better, which will involve referencing other elements of place besides people.

Right. And, more and more within composition studies -- especially in California -- there is an emphasis on place. So, I really do believe that attending more closely to place itself will, in addition to bringing the essay in line with its introduction, produce a piece more likely to gain you admission to UC.

i think u should have main sentence in first line of each paragraph which show ur argument. therefore, everybody could understand ur essay easier
in a short time.
good luck!

This is called a topic sentence. Composition teachers often instruct their students to begin each paragraph with such a sentence when writing basic essays. However, it is not required for more advanced writing. There does need to be, somewhere in each paragraph, a sentence that clarifies its point, but this need not be at the beginning and is often -- when building to a point with a series of images or examples -- at the end.

And the first sentence in most of these paragraphs does sort of act as a topic sentence anyway.









In each case, you get a good idea of the sort of material that each paragraph will cover.