Personal statement for NUS: The big day

This section is an opportunity for you to elaborate on the information you have provided earlier. You may wish to discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is of relevance to the course that you are applying for at the university.
As there is only limited space (2000 characters), you are encouraged to present your ideas in focused and thoughtful manner.
I've tried to write it in a different manner, please give your feedback regarding it and suggest any improvement. I will also be thankful if anyone could help me shorten it a bit.

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Faizan Abid

Two things. First, "I explained her" should be "I explained to her" throughout. Second, I'm not sure that starting each paragraph with the same phrase works that well here. The technique can be effective, in some circumstances, but in this case, it seems mostly to shift the focus from all the effort you put into creating your Van De Graff generator to your decision to explain that effort to the judge. However, your decision to explain the machine in detail is relatively unimportant. What you want the reader to focus on is precisely how hard working and clever you are, so why would you add anything to your essay that distracts from that?

Thanks for you advice, Sean. I've rewritten the essay. As before please suggest any improvements and any way of shortening it. And is the first paragraph ok there or should i move it to the end? I am just attempting to make it interesting for the reader.

The big day finally had finally arrived. All eyes were focused on my project which stood apart in its "Frankensteinish" look, a silver dome mounted on a long pipe standing in a wooden frame. I was participating in a Science fair for the first time and this naturally made me glad when the judge started from the other end of the line. This gave me an opportunity to observe how others students explained about their projects.

I had dreamt of building a "Van de Graaff generator" since my O-level days and I found that it wasn't as easy as it had seemed. Calculating the dimensions of the frame and size of the dome was the first task which was done relatively easily. The bottleneck, however, was managing the budget and finding the right items. The latter was only because of living in an underdeveloped city. The only things I found easily were a sewing machine motor from an old electric repair shop and a PVC pipe.

Consequently, I was forced to look for alternatives which involved going once again through the "Triboelectric series". Teflon was the ideal material for rollers and nylon for the belts. It was then that I had a brainwave; I was to cover metal rollers with Teflon tape and use a cycle's tire tube for the belt. Two steel bowls joined together through electric tape were just too perfect for the dome.

Now that the parts were ready, I required a frame to assemble everything together. It was worth the effort of explaining the worker in the wood working shop about my design when the Van de Graaff generator finally took shape. After the cumbersome task of fixing the belt on rollers and mounting the bowls on the pipe, I switched it on. At that moment, the sound of the motor was as pleasant as soft music and the spark given by the dome sent a smile on my face rather than pain.

I was quite sure I had impressed the judge when I ended my presentation. I had given every detail about my project which reflected the hard work I had put into it. However, the joy of receiving the first prize wasn't as great as the joy I felt on completing the project on the previous day. Perhaps this was why I had won; I had worked for the fulfillment of my own dream and for my own satisfaction rather than winning a prize.

1. Omit first "finally" in first sentence
2. Make it ...in its "Frankensteinish" look - a sliver dome..." (it adds emphasis)
3. Omit "about" in last sentence of first paragraph
4. Fourth paragraph, insert "to" between expalining and the worker

Overall good essay :)

Just make sure it is parallel in tense.

Thanks for your respone atomvik.
I've written the essay again and have made many changes. Again, as before, notify me of any mistakes. I'll be thankful. Anyone who reads it, do give me the feedback as well.
By the way, i need to complete my app by morning. :D

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Faizan Abid

Here's a challenge for you: go through the second, third, and fourth paragraphs, and try rewriting them to eliminate every form of the verb "to be." That includes getting rid of every "was," "were," "is," and "are." You probably won't be able to kill them all -- "to be" is possibly the most basic verb in existence, and there are times when you have to use it, or when it would sound awkward and contrived to try to avoid it, but you should be able to cut down dramatically on the number of times you use it. The main advantage to doing this is that it forces you to use the active voice (because the passive voice always uses some form of "be") and to employ more precise, interesting verbs.

Hmmmmm . . . Apparently you posted a new version of your essay while I was typing this comment, which was meant for your second draft, not your third. Your third draft is much better, but you can still go through and eliminate a few "was"s to tighten up your writing a bit.

Here is the revised form. Could you tell that when they say there is a limit of 2000 characters, is it with the spaces or without them?

In the centre of one end of the Physics lab, lays my science project - a silver dome mounted on a white pipe standing in a wooden frame. It still reminds me that dreams can come true if you work hard enough for them. I dreamt of constructing a Van de Graaff generator since my O-Level days and got the perfect opportunity for it in the "Bloomfield Hall Science Fair 2008".

I had a week to complete the project. The first task was to calculate the dimensions of the wooden frame and dome and I did it relatively easily as I am good with numbers. Next, I needed to get the right material for the belt, rollers and dome.

In the second task I realized that even if you have all the knowledge regarding a machine, building it requires much more than that. I had to carefully manage the budget and know the right place to get the right items. In an attempt to manage the budget, I travelled in publics vans congested with people and brought used items wherever I could. However, I could not find the right items and this was unarguably because of living in an underdeveloped city.

Consequently, I had to look for alternatives which proved to be a bottleneck. Just three days before the Science fair, as my anxiety increased, I had the brainwave to use metal rollers covered with Teflon tape and tire's nylon tube for the belt. Using two steel bowls joined together were just perfect for the dome.

It was worth explaining to the worker in the wood working shop about my design when the Van de Graaff took its shape the next day. Then I mounted the belt which was a gruelling task and required several attempts. After placing the steel bowls, my heart pounded with excitement as I switched it on.

At that moment, the sound of the motor was as pleasant as soft music and the spark from the dome sent a smile to my face rather than pain.

On the big day, my project stood apart in its "Frankensteinish" look. I was glad the judge started from the other end of the line which gave me time to plan what to say. When my turn came, I gave every detail about the project; I tried my best to show how important that project was for me and how much effort I had put into it.

My efforts bore fruit when I won the first prize, however, the joy was not as great as it was when I completed the project a day earlier. Perhaps this was why I had won: I worked for the fulfillment of my own dream rather than winning a prize.

Whoa..my post is way behind. Proofread my essay pls..