Some quick thoughts:
It is undeniable that the academics at Penn are far superior to
those of most universities in the world,
I believe in a
holistic approach to any subject.
"(sorry for the cliché)" Instead of apologizing for it, why don't you take the time to think of something original to say?
"I sure would not mind being a nerd if study time is spent within the fine interior of the Fisher Fine Arts Library." I'd omit this sentence.
"my fate lies in your hands!" Your melodrama finally reaches the point of out-and-out comedy around this point.
Sean, EssayForum.com