about me- i need your help!

Hi everyone, this one is for common app and i am not sure about the ending. also i need to shorten it.. so what do you think??

REMOVED

You should work on formalizing the essay. Do not use contractions and take out phrases like, "to sum up." Also I would work on making it a little less preachy. Lines like,"Only students with high GPA are eligible to participate" do not add anything to the essay. Show them you are smart by what you are involved in do not tell them you have a high GPA because they can see that on your transcript. I think if you work on clarifying parts of your essay and take out some of the fluff it will be good.

1. Most importantly, they have never coerced me into doing anything I don't want

I think 'Most importantly, they have never coerced me into doing anything' is enough.
If you are coerced to do something, that means you were not willing to do that, so just delete 'I don't want'.

2. And you mentioned about your concerts for thousands of people. I think you'd better elaborate your feeling when you performance before large number of audience. That would be an unique experience.

Best wishes~~

Thank you for your comments, I have fixed it a little bit. I hope it is better now, what do you think?

There are certain things that I care a lot about. Among them, family always come the first. Both my parents showed me the true love, taught me basic values like generosity and sincerity. I have learned to be caring and patient while helping my mother raise my sister. Most importantly, they have never coerced me into doing anything, thus enabled me to develop my own perspective on life.

I see school as a key to success. I assessed my time in school thoroughly, used my free time not only for my studies but also social activities. Starting from an early age, I have been joining drama activities, debates, and quiz shows every year. Compelling discussions, acting and advocating my ideas made me more confident and persuasive. Furthermore, I've been playing piano for eleven years and played in numerous concerts for thousands of people. The feeling of being alone on the stage and expressing yourself with music to such a crowd is incomparable. Although I like being involved in many sports like volleyball, sailing and swimming; volleyball is my great passion. It helps me to handle the pressure, be energetic and competitive. Above all, it enables me to enjoy my life.

I am also a member of the school's science team. Last year, we did a project on the effect of air pollution to lung cancer and entered a prestigious competition called TUBITAK. We were qualified to go to the regional finals where we exhibited our project and explained it to thousands of people in a week. Although we weren't selected to go to the national finals, we learned a lot along the way. The experience has showed me the importance of communicating, being patient, persistent and defending what is right no matter what the others think.

I believe that I have been raised with great values and done my best to educate myself properly. The activities I am involved in and the values I have brought so far will highlight me as an individual in everywhere I go and play crucial role on my future accomplishments.

There are certain things that I care a lot about, such as family, friendship, school, and sports.

Although I enjoy being involved in many different sports, volleyball is my great passion.

The experience has shown me the importance of communicating, of being patient and persistent, and of defending what is right -- no matter what the others think.

Just a few grammatical errors, but your writing style is very clear. I changes the word "like" in two places, because you used it too many times. Good luck!!! :)