I need to cut some of this UIUC essay down, can you help?

Hi everybody, it's last minute so if you can help me please don't hesitate!! I need some help cutting down the essay so I can include some sort of conclusion; I feel like I'm missing part of the prompt. If you have any suggestions, or comments, please feel free to let me know. By the way, I wont have the spaces between paragraphs, this is just so I can have some formatting on the forum post.

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Prompt:In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

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EDITED

As a freshman in high school, I was already looking forward to a future in engineering. My Introduction to Engineering Design teacher saw my interest and presented me with an application for Project WORTHY, a program for high school students interested in pursuing engineering or business. I chose to apply for the program because of my interest in engineering and my curiosity about the corporate world. I expected a lot from the program, but I underestimated how much and how fast I would learn.

SEE BELOW

WORD COUNT: 302

Thank you in advance for all of your help!

would be learning can be would learn
future unrolling before me can be future unroll
all of students has to be changed
either to all of the students or each student from the program works
student lead should be lead student

Hope that helped

byflash
Thanks for your help cutting it down a little!

However, I still need to cut a lot more in order to include a conclusion. I think it is necessary because the essay is slightly missing the "how you benefited" portion of the prompt.

By the way, the position was actually called "Student Lead"

As a freshman in high school, I was already looking forward to a future in engineering. my Introduction to Engineering Design teacher saw my interest and presented me with an application for Project WORTHY, a program for high school students interested in pursuing engineering or business. I chose to apply for the program because of my interest in engineering and my curiosity about the corporate world. I expected a lot from the program, but I underestimated how much and how fast I would learn. (Imo, you could write this more succinctly)

My interview was at Northrup Grumman, and for the first time outside of school, I was able to showcase my talents and ambitions. ("I was greeted as Mr. Mehta; I liked the sound of that." does not seem necessary. I'm kinda curious about the nature of the interview, and how you "were able to showcase your talents and ambitions"). As I waited for my acceptance letter three months later, all I could think about was Project WORTHY (Idk, something like that, you can compress the point)

As part of the program, I've been able to work on my own engineering projects. The first year, I chose to explore radio frequency jamming and controlling. (I'm a little disappointed that you didn't elaborate). I then moved on to programming during my junior year. This year, I wanted to incorporate what I had learned in my engineering classes at school, with the resources at Northrop Grumman. I am designing, programming, building, and marketing a fuel economy gauge for cars.

The summer enrichment portion of the program was particularly beneficial. (Something like that, you can shorten it) Each summer, students in the program collaborate on an engineering project. During my first summer, I was elected CEO of the mock company. This past summer, I was the student lead for the program. It was an amazing opportunity to be in a management position, because that is where I see myself in the future. (<--I like this)

papaya
Thanks! A lot of your ideas were great and will definitely make the essay concise.

Just curious, do you think that I need to include more of a closing "conclusion" portion of the essay? Have any ideas?

REVISED:

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As a freshman in high school, my Introduction to Engineering Design teacher presented me with an application for Project WORTHY, a program for high school students interested in pursuing engineering or business. I chose to apply for the program because of my interest in engineering and my curiosity about the corporate world.

I expected a lot from the program, but I underestimated how much and how fast I would learn. My interview was at Northrop Grumman, and for the first time outside of school, I was able to showcase my talents and ambitions. For the next three months, as I waited for my acceptance letter, I could only think about Project WORTHY.

As part of the program, I have been able to work on my own engineering projects. The first year, I chose to explore radio frequency jamming and controlling. I learned how to use equipment such as signal generators, oscilloscopes, and spectrum analyzers to read a radio wave, and then generate a wave that can cripple a robot. I then moved on to programming that same robot during my junior year. This year, I wanted to incorporate what I had learned in my engineering classes at school, with the resources at Northrop Grumman. I am designing, programming, building, and marketing a fuel economy gauge for automobiles.

The summer enrichment portion of the program was particularly beneficial. Each summer, students in the program collaborate on an engineering project. During my first summer, I was elected CEO of the mock company. My company built a robot and presented it to executives at Northrop Grumman. This past summer, I was the student lead for the program. It was an amazing opportunity to be in a management position, even with the longer hours, because that is where I see myself in the future.

WORD COUNT: 300

Another Version:

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As a freshman in high school, my Introduction to Engineering Design teacher presented me with an application for Project WORTHY, a program for high school students interested in pursuing engineering or business. I chose to apply for the program because of my interest in engineering and my curiosity about the corporate world.

I expected a lot from the program, but I underestimated how much and how fast I would learn. My interview was at Northrop Grumman, and for the first time outside of school, I was able to showcase my talents and ambitions.

One portion of Project WORTHY is learning the basics of the corporate world such as teamwork, presentation skills, and how I fit in. Another part of the program allowed me to work on my own engineering projects. The first year, I chose to explore radio frequency jamming and controlling. I learned how to use equipment such as signal generators, oscilloscopes, and spectrum analyzers to read a radio wave, and then generate a wave that can cripple a robot. I then moved on to programming that same robot during my junior year. This year, I wanted to incorporate my knowledge from engineering classes at school, with the resources at Northrop Grumman. I am designing, programming, building, and marketing a fuel economy gauge for automobiles.

The summer enrichment portion of the program was particularly beneficial. Each summer, students in the program collaborate on an engineering project. During my first summer, I was elected CEO of the mock company. My company built a robot and presented it to executives at Northrop Grumman. This past summer, I was the student lead for the program. It was an amazing opportunity to be in a management position, even with the longer hours, because that is where I see myself in the future.

WORD COUNT: 299


Any input, especially from mods and senior members, would be great!

I will be submitting my application soon, does anybody have any more input??
Which version did you like more from my last post?

...and how fast I would learn. ----> right here, it would be great to list several fascinating things you learned.

I get confused by the sentence about an interview at Northrop Grumman. I think you should just omit that, so that the list of fascinating things follows the claim you made about learning fast.

Okay, I think you should do a paragraph break right before this:
This past summer, I was the student lead ...

and let that be the first sentence of the last paragraph. Let the last paragraph be all about your specific goals for the near future. What are the intellectual, professional things you cannot wait to do? Let that last paragraph express your passion and clear intentions.

The first paragraph is identical as is the last. The second paragraph is better served by the second version (no useless third sentence). The third paragraph also isn't substantially different from one version to the next, but the tone adopted in the first version pegs it a notch above the corresponding pargraph in the second version.

You do well with superlatives but leave intact a handful of errors that I don't feel like pointing out.