MIT essay-End of the World experience

I wrote an essay for MIT but it is well over the 500 word limit and I need help proofreading/making it more interesting.


The day I entered elementary school was quite a sobering experience. The very small Montessori school I attended stopped after first grade, and so I was enrolled in The Laurel Hill School, a private school with an enrollment of about three hundred. To my inexperienced seven year old mind, this school was enormous, and I knew that I would become just another face in the crowd, overshadowed by everyone else, and never getting the attention that I took for granted in Montessori school.

Entering my first class at Laurel Hill in second grade, the first thing I noticed was the stifling atmosphere. The heat of early September, the standard uniform necktie, and the condescending looks from other students were all suffocating. Every attribute of the school seemed to collaborate to reject me. As a child I had an inquisitive nature, and despite being in a school, a place where you go to get your questions answered, I always ended up in trouble for asking what the teachers thought were inane or unanswerable questions. During the science fair, a girl was presenting her project on which bubble gum created the largest bubble. For her hypothesis, she chose Bazooka gum. I asked her "Why didn't you choose Bubblicious gum? It has 'Bubble' in the title." The teachers thought I was insulting and disrupting her by asking what I thought was an innocent question, and I was escorted to the principal's office in a fog of confusion. Recess was scarce and didn't provide much of a relief as there were always restrictions; heaven forbid I get those ugly uniforms dirty. A little mud might make them look nicer, I thought.
The Laurel Hill School had taken away everything about being a kid that I enjoyed. The worst part about my situation was that I would never be able to escape for another four years, an eternity to a person who had only lived seven. My parents were paying hundreds of dollars per month in tuition, and for what reason? How would I survive third grade, let alone sixth?

I owe a large part of my survival to my friend James who I met in third grade. Along with me and 2 other students, he would commute to the fourth graders' classroom to study Math and English. He was the first student I met who did not look down upon me. As such, when an assignment prompted us to write a poem about our "hero", while most other students chose the obvious mother/father, I chose James. In my poem, I stated all of the seemingly uneventful things that James had done for me, like letting me borrow a pencil or join his team for kickball. He convinced me to look at my school with a fresh, open mind. Only then would I be sure to find ways to enjoy myself. Heeding his advice, I started to discover new activities in which I could participate. I learned to enjoy new sports during after school intramurals, like lacrosse and archery. I met new friends in the chess club and Math Olympiads. My new friends shared my love of learning and my competitive drive. All of a sudden a new school started to emerge from where Laurel Hill, school of resentment, was standing, and now everyone who didn't attend Laurel Hill, school of opportunity, was missing out. From that point on, I always tried to make the best of my situation. Whatever I got out of my experience was equal to the effort I put into making my environment work for me. During high school, I made a vital undertaking and chose to put effort into track and field. Because of my initiative, I am rewarded with the encouragement of my team and coaches every day. They are like family to me.

Because of the kindness that James has shown me, I now have the optimism and confidence to change any situation for the better. And if I ever start to lose hope, I will always remember that there is someone right behind me ready to lend a hand--or a pencil--to help me persevere.

(688 words-ouch)

If you need more background on the essay prompt, the question asked was this:
Tell us about an experience which, at the time, really felt like "the end of the world" -- but had it not happened, you would not be who you are today. Describe the process through which you discovered value in the negative.
I am slightly afraid that I did not follow these guidelines in the way they wanted...

I really like your essay its well written and the ideas flow well.

Reguarding the length, I believe that you could do without the entire first paragraph. The essay would still flow well and your second paragraph would be a nice intro. If you take that suggestion you might want to include something about the small size of the new school in your new first paragraph.

The teachers thought I was insulting and disrupting her by asking what I thought was a legitimate question, and I was escorted to the principal's office in a fog of confusion.

The worst part about my situation was being trapped for another four years,

:)

Well, you are on target for answering the question about an experience that benefited you even though it was not a cool experience at the time. You just digress a little.

I think you need to get rid of the whole third paragraph about James... or condense it down to one sentence and stick it at the beginning of that last paragraph. Add some transition sentences to thread the paragraphs together, and change some sentences in the beginning paragraph to show that yu are answering the question: The experience that I had during this transition from the Montessori school was traumatic, but I would not be the person I am to day if I had not....


Good luck!!!!

:)