MIT essay about my biggest challenge

Question: Tell us about the most significant challenge you have faced or something that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?

"You will not be allowed to resume until all your fees are paid and that's final. There is nothing I can do about that. Now leave my office". The accountant's statement cut through me like a scythe; I was devastated. For me, that marked the beginning or one of the darkest periods of my life.
It was my first day back at school for my 11th grade and I was very enthusiastic about returning to school. However, to my utter dismay, on arrival at the school, I was denied entry. I knew my fees had not been paid, but I never anticipated the drastic measure taken by the school to enforce its policy. As I reluctantly trudged back to the car, I tried to prepare myself mentally for what I imagined would be a bleak next few weeks for me.
When i got back home, my first reaction was to try to blame someone, but I had a rethink and decided it would be futile. Armed with copies of the schemes or work and my textbooks, I tried my best to study the topics currently being taught in school. When I returned to school three weeks later, I had to parry a lot of questions from concerned teachers and friends as I did not want to reveal the reason for my absence. Eventually, I was able to settle in, catch up with my mates and I ended up coming first in my class at the end of the term.

Please help me critique.thanks!

It was my first day back TO school for my 11th grade and I was very enthusiastic about returning to school. However, to my utter dismay, on THE FIRST DAY at the school, I was denied entry

"You will not be allowed to resume until all your fees are paid and that's final. There is nothing I can do about that. Now leave my office".."

^punctuation goes inside quotations usually.

For me, that marked the beginning or of one of the darkest periods of my life.

It was my first day back at school for my 11th grade, and I was very enthusiastic about returning to school. However, to my utter dismay, on upon arrival at the school, I was denied entry. I knew my fees had not been paid, but I never anticipated the drastic measure taken by the school to enforce its policy. As I reluctantly trudged back to the car, I tried to prepare myself mentally for what I imagined would be a bleak next few weeks for me.
When i I got back home, my first reaction was to try to blame someone, but I had a rethink rethought and decided it would be futile. Armed with copies of the schemes or work (what?) and my textbooks, I tried my best to study the topics currently being taught in school. When I returned to school three weeks later, I had to parry a lot of questions from concerned teachers and friends as I did not want to reveal the reason for my absence. Eventually, I was able to settle in, catch up with my mates, and I ended up coming first in my class at the end of the term.



it seems very wordy at points. some of the sentence structures are, at times, hard to comprehend. also, it's never a bad idea to read over your work!! you had some simply typos in there that could have easily been detected upon a quick glance over what you wrote. also, this essay seems kind of flat to me. bring it life with details, add a bit more you into the prompt, really try to let the reader know how disappointed, how challenging this experience was for you!

good luck!

guess i overlooked some stuff.thanks a lot anyway