MACAULAY (It is now 2013.)

PROOFREAD HELP!

ASSIGNMENT: It is now 2013. How has The Macaulay Honors College changed you? (300 words or less)
I did it. I completed my undergraduate degree at The City College, and in doing so, I proved to my friends and family that anything was possible. Being the oldest in the family, and therefore the first to graduate from college, I learned that even though it may seem impossible to achieve, never give up your dream. If you are determined and passionate, there is nothing standing in your way of achieving that goal, but you. Believe it or not, I had my doubts about getting into my dream colleges because of financial issues, but even my one working parent encouraged me to chase my dream. I did, and after acceptance into Macaulay, they took me the rest of the way. They didn't let money become a factor in my studies, because they saw just how motivated I was. Instead, they took me in, provided me with full tuition, valuable knowledge, and a great new outlook on the world.
Attending Honors College gave me an accurate idea of where I stood, but even more importantly, it urged me to rise higher. It gave me the opportunity to experience the hardships a person has to endure just to prove that they are capable enough to lead others. I became more exposed to the world through their Opportunities Fund, which I used wisely to go to Sierra Leone as an intern with organizations dealing with youth in the juvenile justice system and the local branch of an international HIV/AIDS program. I am now helping my sixteen year old brother apply for college, and in doing so, I am seeing to it that he does not have any doubts about college. I am living, breathing proof of a dream come true, and he doesn't need any other evidence. Macaulay Honors College has changed me from a determined girl with a goal into a strong-minded young lady with a future, and I wholeheartedly thank them for that.

Here are my grammar suggestions, I changed a few words to make it flow better.

I did it! I completed my undergraduate degree at The City College, and in doing so, I proved to my friends and family that anything was possible. As the oldest in my family, and therefore the first to graduate from college, I learned that even though it may seem impossible to achieve, never give up your dream. If you are determined and passionate, there is nothing standing in your way of achieving your goal, except you. Believe it or not, I had my doubts about getting into my dream colleges because of financial issues, but even my one working parent encouraged me to chase my dream. I did, and after acceptance into Macaulay, the school took me the rest of the way. They didn't let money become a factor in my studies, because they saw just how motivated I was. Instead, they took me in, provided me with full tuition, valuable knowledge, and a great new outlook on the world.
Attending Honors College gave me an accurate idea of where I stood, but even more importantly, it urged me to rise higher. It gave me the opportunity to experience the hardships one has to endure just to prove that they are capable enough to lead others. I was more exposed to the world through their Opportunities Fund, which I used wisely to go to Sierra Leone as an intern with organizations dealing with youth in the juvenile justice system and the local branch of an international HIV/AIDS program. I am now helping my sixteen year old brother apply for college, and in doing so, I am seeing to it that he does not have any doubts about college. I am living, breathing proof of a dream come true, and he doesn't need any other evidence. Macaulay Honors College has changed me from a determined girl with a goal into a strong-minded young lady with a future. I wholeheartedly thank them for that.

It was a very good essay. You had over 300 words. So try to work on cutting things a bit out. But very, very good. Hope you get in!

Thanks a lot! Cut off words? Will do.

Thanks pencil, for your great feeedback. Check out the contributos page! The link is at the bottom of the screen.


I did it. I completed my undergraduate degree at The City College, and in doing so I proved to my friends and family that anything is possible. Being the oldest in the family, and therefore the first to graduate from college, I learned that even though some goal may seem impossible to achieve, never give up your dream. If you are determined and passionate, there is nothing standing in your way of achieving that goal except your own self-limitation. ....

Attending Honors College gave me an accurate idea of where I stood, but, even more importantly, it urged me to rise higher.

...

Macaulay Honors College has changed me from a determined girl with a goal into a strong-minded young lady with a future, and I am wholeheartedly thankful for that.

This is pretty great! Can you find room to mention specific programs and resources at the school, so that they will see that you researched the school? Tell how some SPECIFIC resources at the school have changed and empowered you.

I DID USE SPECIFIC DETAILS:

IS THAT ENOUGH?
ALSO, CAN YOU PLEASE CHECK OUT MY OTHER MACAULAY ESSAYS? THANK YOU.