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"I love to deal with numbers" ..Another GTown essay..

EchoThreads: 11
Posts: 26 		 Oct 26, 08, 05:41am   #1
APPLICANTS TO THE MCDONOUGH SCHOOL OF BUSINESS: Briefly describe the factors that have influenced your interest in studying business.

"For me, the most important reason why I want to study business is that I love to deal with numbers, to face changes, to overcome challenges and to predict the unpredictable things. Studying business provides me chances to keep up with the changing world.

The second reason is that China has gone through a drastic economic development in the last thirty years, and I am very interested in the whole process. And one good way for me to understand it is to learn business.

The third factor that has influenced my decision is the 2008 economy crisis. This global event has intrigued my interests in business, because I have much desire to understand the theories and principles of capitalist economy.

The final and the very important reason is that I believe Mcdonough School of Business will provide me the chance to fulfill my goals. "


Is it clear enough? Or does it sound like cliche?
Thank you.

Chen
 
EF_Team5Threads: -
Posts: 2693 [Moderator] 		 Oct 26, 08, 12:53pm   #2
Good morning.

Here are my thoughts:

"For me, the most important reason why I want to study business is that I love to deal with numbers, to face changes, to overcome challenges and to predict the unpredictable things. Studying business provides me chances to keep up with the changing world."

You begin this statement by writing that you have one favorite reason (singular) for studying business, but then you list a series of reasons (plural) as your explanation. This is confusing; if you are going to write about a singular reason, state it and move on. If not, let your audience know that you are going to discuss multiple items, and then move on to them. The rest of the essay has the same problem. You hint to your readers you will discuss one thing, but then go on to list multiple other factors. Also, I'm not sure what the word count requirements are, but if you have room, you should evaluate further and discuss more deeply your thinking behind your reasoning.
With some clean-up and clarification, this would probably be a pretty good response to the prompt. As it is now, it is very confusing and jumbled.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Gloria, EssayForum.com
 
EchoThreads: 11
Posts: 26 		 Oct 26, 08, 08:40pm   #3
Thank you. I will rewrite it now. :)

Chen
 
EchoThreads: 11
Posts: 26 		 Oct 26, 08, 10:08pm   #4
This is my revision.

Briefly describe the factors that have influenced your interest in studying business.

For me, the most important reason why I want to study business is that I love the unpredictability of the business world. The constantly changing numbers, the upcoming challenges and the unknown adventures all sound very exciting to me. Studying business is my approach to this fantastic world.

The second reason is that China has gone through a drastic economic development in the last thirty years, and I am very interested in the whole process. What are the differences between socialist economy and capitalist economy? What is the very essence that has stimulated China's development? Are there any loopholes in the capitalist economy comparing to the socialist? How long will the 10% GDP annual growth last? Well, one good way for me to understand all these questions is to learn business.

The third factor that has greatly influenced my decision is the 2008 economy crisis. After the skyrocketing of oil and almost every daily product in our life, I keep wondering how long will the economic crisis happened in America affect the whole world. The huge scale of this crisis has stirred my interests in economics and business. The power of the economy crisis can drive Iceland, the whole country, into the state of bankruptcy. I have to admit that global economy does have the power to change the whole world. I am very interested in understanding the business principles and theories.

Chen
 
EF_Team5Threads: -
Posts: 2693 [Moderator] 		 Oct 27, 08, 04:46pm   #5
Good afternoon.

Much more organized. I have a few corrections in the last paragraph though:

"The third factor that has greatly influenced my decision is the 2008 economic crisis. After the skyrocketing price of oil and almost every daily product in our life, I keep wondering how long will the economic crisis that happened in America affect the whole world. The huge scale of this crisis has stirred my interests in economics and business. The power of the economic crisis can drive Iceland, the whole country, into the state of bankruptcy. I have to admit that the global economy does have the power to change the whole world. I am very interested in understanding the business principles and theories."

Much improved.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Gloria, EssayForum.com
 

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