Lianhegonghui Volunteer League- extracurricular activity

I set up Lianhegonghui Volunteer League in grade 10 to draw more attention and offer more chances for my schoolmates to community and volunteer activities, and I served as the president of the SUS for a year. We regularly organized students to visit empty-nester and widowed senior citizens, to play with the disable and handicapped children in the Sun Village, to activate fund-raising for people in need, to clear the litter in the travel sites, to help the community in the area to make posters and slogans, etc. Every season we have a focused topic and we will have the above activity every week. Only in 2 months, my SUS grows to a super-big club in our school with 600 enrolled members. At the end of the year, out of 50 newly-setup students society, SUS is awarded as the most potential Society of the year.

There are a quite a few grammatical erros. For example, I set up theLianhegonghui Volunteer League in grade 10the grade to draw more attention and offer more chances for my schoolmates to become involved incommunity serviceand volunteer activities, and; I served as the president of the SUS for a year.

What is the SUS? I'm guessing it's the same thing as the Lianhegonghui Volunteer Leaguem, but you should clarify this.

Also, most importantly, you didn't describe what this activity meant to you, what you learned from it, or how it changed you. I know the prompt says "elaborate" on an activity, but that doesn't mean just describe *what* it is. You could get all this information from, say, a generic pamphlet about the organization. Make it more personal.

OK, THANKS,How about this one

At 15, I met a dog when climbing a mountain alone. No, not a dog---a wolf, I could tell from its downward tail. I wanted to run but could not run quicker. I wanted to fight but had no power. Blank in my mind, all I did was standing still and looking into his eyes directly. I didn't know how long it was before I gained my conscience, seeing the wolf standing still and looking into my eyes as well. He might be as shocked as I was. Several minutes later, he withdrew! When I finally returned home safely, my father, a son of a hunter family, sighed," Your intuition rescued you. When facing a wolf, the best way to survive is confronting its eyesight as strong as you can. Showing any sign of fear, you are finished. " Years later, when I recalled this scaring experience, I found life was the same.

Hypnotize the reader with cool details.

At age fifteen, I spotted a wolf while hiking up Mount XXXX...

I was alone, and...

Years later, when I recalled this scary ...

Wow, exciting story!! I would have panicked.

Can you somehow make a connection between this experience and your resolve to succeed in college?