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Essay Forum / Undergraduate Admission Essays /

Help with Pitzer Supplement Essay

dennyssamplerThreads: 4
Posts: 14
 Dec 25, 08, 04:18pm   #1
Preferably no 09 applicants. Just for safety, not pointing any fingers

Much thanks in advance,

PM me if ur willing to read.

My possible mistakes on essay:
-Too much storyline
-Grammar definetly
-Didnt fully asnwer prompt (didnt address intercultural understanding or social responsibility)
-Crappy organization
-Essay not focused, seems to be reaching everywhere.

Harsh and BRUTAL criticism NEEDED. please be as blunt as possible

Robin Ji
 
dennyssamplerThreads: 4
Posts: 14
 Dec 25, 08, 05:18pm   #2
um should i post my essay here for better responses instead of waiting for PMs?

Robin Ji
 
alicimooThreads: 3
Posts: 28
 Dec 25, 08, 05:20pm   #3
I don't believe this site has PMs. If you want feedback, you'll have to post your essay here.

Alice Shen
 
dennyssamplerThreads: 4
Posts: 14
Edited by: Moderator  Dec 25, 08, 05:43pm   #4
Oh no wonder.

___________________________


Prompt: "Pitzer's educational objectives (intercultural understanding, social responsibility, interdisciplinary emphasis and student autonomy regarding breadth of knowledge courses) create a distinctive educational experience and community of learners. Please tell us why these objectives are a good match for you"


REMOVED

Robin Ji
 
gmailblows31Threads: 6
Posts: 28
 Dec 25, 08, 05:53pm   #5
"I could not help want(ing) a slice of every cake (no pun intended). "
"I actively participated in (my school's?) Interact Rotary Service Club." You may want to introduce where you learned of this club and if it's from your school.

David Coll
 
dennyssamplerThreads: 4
Posts: 14
 Dec 25, 08, 05:59pm   #6
hey are u sure about the "wanting". it sounds kind of awkward

and i changed it to "Witnessing my aunt's generosity and the worker's gratefulness, I actively participated in my school's community service club, Interact Rotary Service Club."

thoughts? ocmments?

Robin Ji
 
gmailblows31Threads: 6
Posts: 28
 Dec 25, 08, 06:03pm   #7
"I could not help want a slice of"
You can either put it as:
"I could not help but to want a slice of"
or
"I could not help wanting a slice of"
Verb form in the original does not agree :)

David Coll
 
dennyssamplerThreads: 4
Posts: 14
 Dec 25, 08, 06:09pm   #8
okay i put I could not help but to want.

Thank you for ur help :)

Robin Ji
 
EF_KevinThreads: 12
Posts: 6485
[Moderator]
 Dec 26, 08, 03:18pm   #9
The workers that my aunt hired were always interesting, because my aunt hired workers based on their needs, rather than their resumes. Every worker I met had his own interesting story to tell about why he was in America working at the bakery. The store was filled with unique perspectives, including those of a Venezuelan teacher, a Cambodian doctor, a Mexican songwriter, and a Korean attorney. Every worker at the bakery told me about his profession, and as a curious and open child, I could not help want a slice of every cake (no pun intended).

They gave me a thirst for knowledge in every aspect, because the worker's backgrounds and professions were explained so vividly.

I was further affected by these humble workers from the bakery because I saw the gratefulness each one had for my aunt. Because they could not practice their professions in the United States, where their licenses were not valid, they each held a large amount of respect for my aunt who would easily take a stranger in.
Whether I want to become a teacher, a doctor, a songwriter, or an attorney, I know that Pitzer's renowned liberal arts program would create the perfect foundation for whichever career path I choose.

Cute last sentence:)

Good luck!

Kevin, EssayForum.com
 
dennyssamplerThreads: 4
Posts: 14
 Dec 26, 08, 03:44pm   #10
Heres the updated essay, made some slight changes

Prompt: "Pitzer's educational objectives (intercultural understanding, social responsibility, interdisciplinary emphasis and student autonomy regarding breadth of knowledge courses) create a distinctive educational experience and community of learners. Please tell us why these objectives are a good match for you"


When I was a child, I used to stop by my aunt's bakery on my way home from school for pastries and snacks. As I grew older, I began to treat the bakery like a Starbucks, a haven where I could study and do homework quietly without distractions. Usually, I finished homework early and because I had to wait for my dad to pick me up, I often helped out at the bakery by packaging goods and carrying ingredients. Working at the bakery, I met the entire staff of workers and got to know each one personally.

The workers that my aunt hired were always interesting because my aunt hired workers based on their needs rather than their resumes. Every worker I met had his own interesting story to tell about why he was in America working at the bakery. The store was filled with unique backgrounds, including those of a Venezuelan teacher, a Cambodian doctor, a Mexican songwriter, and a Korean attorney. Every worker at the bakery told me about his profession and as a curious and open child, I could not help but to want a slice of every cake. Every story inspired me and affected the way I would tread through high school. These workers gave me a thirst for knowledge in every aspect because each worker explained his background and profession so vividly. I carried this invoked intellectual curiosity with me through high school with the intent of opening a variety of career paths. I was further affected from these humble workers from the bakery because I saw the gratefulness each one had for my aunt. Because they could not practice their professions in the United States, where their licenses were not valid, they held a large amount of respect for my aunt who easily took a stranger in. Witnessing my aunt's generosity and the workers' gratefulness, I actively participated in my school's community service club, Interact Rotary Service Club. I would always volunteer to give rides to other club members and fulfill every request that my superiors made for me such as calling a certain organization for community service opportunities because I knew of the impact that a simple act of generosity could create.

Based on my experiences, I know that Pitzer would match me very well. By going to Pitzer, I would be able to interact with the diverse population and choose from the wide array of 150 special interest clubs and organizations that exist across the Claremont Colleges. However, one notable extracurricular activity I wish to partake in at Pitzer is the Center for California Cultural Social Issues. Because of the way CCCSI operates and the opportunities it offers, I know that I can carry what I have accomplished in and learned from Interact Rotary Service Club to help me give back to the society and help others through CCCSI like my aunt had by hiring her workers. Furthermore, whether I want to become a teacher, a doctor, a songwriter, or an attorney, I know that Pitzer's prestigious liberal arts program will create the perfect foundation for whichever career path I choose. If I decided to switch from a major to another, I know that I would have numerous options to choose from because of the academic flexibility Pitzer offers. Although I am currently applying for the 7-year Joint Medical Program at Pitzer, I am certain that I would be able to take advantage of Pitzer's emphasis on undergraduate studies so that I am able to take a slice from every cake that I want to taste.

Robin Ji
 
dennyssamplerThreads: 4
Posts: 14
 Dec 26, 08, 05:10pm   #11
hey, do you guys think my essay answers the prompt?

Robin Ji
 

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