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Essay Forum / Undergraduate Admission Essays /

Help with a Columbia U short answer (what you find most appealing)?

JSFlashThreads: 11
Posts: 58 		 Dec 13, 08, 09:02pm   #1
Hello essayforum mods! Can you help me out with this part of the Columbia U app? My answer is 780 characters, with spaces, and that number needs to be less than or equal to 600. Can you guys tell me what i can shave or how so i can bring down the character count? Any other general feedback on my answer would also be appreciated. This is a first draft. Thanks in advance guys!

The question is:
Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why

My current answer is:
In the sculpting of our college lists, students are taught to look through a university's programs, majors, location- every possible thing a college has to offer should be considered before the decision to apply is made. In addition to satisfying my every whim and desire from a college, in addition to the fact that I can visualize myself "fit" in the Columbian campus better than any other college, Columbia University has captured the very essence of my passion to learn. There in the mission statement, I could not describe in a paragraph what the simple sentence states: "It seeks to attract a diverse and international...student body, to support research and teaching on global issues, and to create academic relationships with many countries and regions." If only I could be taught by those who want to further research on global issues and create relationships with foreign countries, I am sure I could predominate both fields.

Jonathan S. Flash
 
JSFlashThreads: 11
Posts: 58 		 Dec 13, 08, 10:23pm   #2
Scratch that. The one above is 935 characters with spaces. I trimmed it a bit and now have this:

In the sculpting of our college lists, students are taught to look through a university's programs, majors, location- every possible thing a college has to offer should be considered before the decision to apply is made. In addition to satisfying my every whim and desire from a college, in addition to the fact that I can visualize myself "fit" in the Columbian campus better than any other college, Columbia University has captured the very essence of my passion to learn. There in the mission statement, I could not describe in a paragraph what the simple sentence states: "It seeks to attract a diverse and international...student body, to support research and teaching on global issues, and to create academic relationships with many countries and regions." If only I could be taught by those who want to further research on global issues and create relationships with foreign countries, I am sure I could predominate both fields.

Which is 778 characters...

Jonathan S. Flash
 
JSFlashThreads: 11
Posts: 58 		 Dec 13, 08, 10:55pm   #3
HAHA! I DID IT! It took about an hour more than it should have but I got it under 600 characters! rolling in at just 599 character is...my new draft!

In sculpting our college lists, students research everything a college has to offer before deciding to apply. On top of satisfying my every whim and desire, and the fact that I can see myself "fit" in the campus, Columbia University has captured the very essence of my passion to learn. There in the mission statement, the fuel of my academic career is portrayed in a simple sentence: "It seeks to...support research...on global issues and to create...relationships with many countries" If only I could be around those who truly want advance the statement's reality, I am sure I could dominate both tasks.

SO...now that that's over and done with. What do you think of it overall? Are there any grammatical mistakes? did I cut out the right pieces? is it okay for me to butcher their mission statement like that?

Please let me know.
thanks in advance,
Jonathan Flash

Jonathan S. Flash
 
EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3813 [Moderator] 		 Dec 14, 08, 04:54am   #4
A couple of phrases sound a bit . . . well, arrogant is the only word that comes to mind. Specifically "satisfying my every whim and desire" and "dominate both tasks." Perhaps you could cut the former and replace the latter with "excel at both tasks." Apart from that, your response looks good.

Sean, EssayForum.com
 
EF_KevinThreads: 12
Posts: 6485 [Moderator] 		 Dec 14, 08, 01:00pm   #5
Here is one spot to improve:

Right there in the mission statement, the fuel of my academic career is portrayed in a simple sentence: "It seeks to...support research...on global issues and to create...relationships with many countries." If only I could be around those who truly want advance this statement's reality, I am sure I could dominate both tasks.

Ohhhh... I understand what Sean meant... the word "whim" is not so good, because it sounds like something thoughtless. I think that changing that one word, or just taking it out, would be good.

Good job working with this until it became excellent!

Kevin, EssayForum.com
 
JSFlashThreads: 11
Posts: 58 		 Dec 14, 08, 07:31pm   #6
oo, god..arrogant? not what i was going for. I was just trying to sound confident in my ability to propel the school's ideals (which I am really not. This is a WAY far dream school for me)... Is there anything other than those two parts? I could fix those now...


In sculpting our college lists, students research everything a college has to offer before deciding to apply. On top of supplying everything I was looking for, and the fact that I can see myself "fit" in the campus, Columbia University has captured the very essence of my passion to learn; In the mission statement, the fuel of my academic career is portrayed in a simple sentence: "It seeks to...support research...on global issues and to create...relationships with many countries." If only I could be around those who truly want advance this statement's reality, I am sure I could excel at both tasks.

Another alternative to "Supplying everything i was looking for" would be "fitting every constraint", which also just takes up less characters. Are either of those better/ less arrogant-sounding? I'm just trying to say here that students look for things in a college, and if a college has those things they get put on the list, which is why Columbia's on mine. Hence they "have stuff i want"- i was just trying to make it sound more eloquent than that.

Thanks for the advice on that sentence kevin, though i left out the "right there" because I'm already over the character limit. Does the sentence still work okay without it? The entire thing is 604 characters now, so I still need to shave off 4 characters for me to be able to submit it...

Jonathan S. Flash
 
EF_KevinThreads: 12
Posts: 6485 [Moderator] 		 Dec 15, 08, 03:51pm   #7
Nope, don't worry too much! I guess I like "accommodating all my interests"

It is a good essay, for sure. I hope you get in!! Go the extra mile in visiting the admissions office and making gestures that show how important it is to you!

:)

Kevin, EssayForum.com
 
JSFlashThreads: 11
Posts: 58 		 Dec 15, 08, 10:33pm   #8
alright, i went with that. Thanks a bunch guys. Happy editing!

Jonathan S. Flash
 

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