the hardships caused by wars - my supplemental essay!

the prompt is:
"Please respond in 2 or 3 paragraphs:
How will you contribute to the school's vitality?"

Growing up in Vietnam, a country which is characterized by wars, I am aware of the impact that wars had caused. My family was, in fact, a victim of war: My uncle sacrificed himself in bomb blast during a battle. Every time my family visited his tomb, it was always teardrops of mournfulness that I could see rolling down on my grandpa's and my parents' faces. I felt sorrowful.

It is thus always my wish to share my feelings of sympathy and compassion with people who are enduring the hardships caused by wars. At (school name), (state name), or anywhere else, I believe there are people whose relatives are still holding weapons in Iraq or Afghanistan, fighting for the cause of their nations. As (school name) puts significant emphasis on community engagement and social responsibility, I believe this will enable me to contribute my efforts in helping alleviate the pains and the difficulties that those people have to bear. I will actively participate in (school name)'s community work programs, which I see not only as a way to express my empathy and support towards the unfortunate families but also a way to express my gratitude to the soldiers who are struggling for the peace of this beautiful world.

your only personal response to this was that you visit your uncles grave.
You can make this stronger by giving examples of how you participated in "community engagement".

yea, it sounds a bit too generic..
I'll revise it
anymore comment pls?

Nice job! I think you should add a sentence to the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that uses the word vitality. For example, you might say specifically how you will attend to the vitality of the atmosphere.

Name some of those community programs, so they know you researched the clubs that exist there. What new club might you start?

Be eccentric! :))))