"Going overseas for the university" essay

I have just successfully registered to become a member in this forum. this is my essay please give me your comment.

Going overseas for the university study is an exciting prospect for many people. But while it may offer some advantages, it is probably better to stay at home because of the difficulties a student inevitably encounters living and studying in a different culture.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

One of the matters of concern worth discussing is studying abroad or studying at home. To be more precise, a number of people come up with a claim that although studying at the university overseas is an exciting prospect for many people, yet it is better to say at home because of the difficulties a student inevitably encounters living and studying in a different culture. It appears rather hard to choose whether completely support such an opinion.

With reference to the advocates of the view above there are several justifications worth taking into account. It can be reasonable to claim that when you enter a country to study you will face many problems of living and studying, according to some reliable statistics many students are so shock of culture that get stressed for a long time. One further point is that the way study in the new university is totally different with what having been learnt in the past so students must strive very hard to survive in exams, this matter will make students feel tired and have negative attitude to their study.

Looking at the other side, all the same, those against such an opinion have their own reasons. It also proves to be convincing to believe that difficulties in living and studying can be overcome. One of the main arguments for such a view is that culture can be learnt from many available sources such as on the internet, books, etc before one person goes to study abroad; moreover it is it can be generally admitted that at universities there are many pre- classes helping students get acquainted with the style of study.

In conclusion, although not all people will be by my side, I still believe that studying abroad is a wonderful chance in one's life, difficulties in living and studying can be solved easily.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

One of the matters of concern worth discussing is studying abroad or studying at home.
^Not quite feeling the introduction..

To be more precise, a number of people come up with a claim that although studying at the university overseas is an exciting prospect for many people, yet it is better to say at home because of the difficulties a student inevitably encounters living and studying in a different culture.
^Your grammar needs some revision. I think you tried to hard to repeat the title in your opening paragraph. You should try and write something original, rather than type next to every single word in the title in your introduction. It reflects poorly on your creativity and writing style.



It appears rather hard to choose whether completely support such an opinion.
^
What are you trying to say?!?!


With reference to the advocates of the view above there are several justifications worth taking into account.
^In reference..
This is another rather poorly structured sentence.


It can be reasonable to claim that when you enter a country to study you will face many problems of living and studying,
^There is no need for a comma. Instead, use a full stop.

according to some reliable statistics many students are so shock of culture that get stressed for a long time.
^so 'shocked'.
-What reliable statistics are these? These could be subjective opinions of people expressed in the form of numbers. This does not make it, a reliable statistic.
-From your sentence, I am inferring that people are so shocked of a culture that it causes stress. It is almost as if you are saying that people become stressed out because they are so shocked of a new 'culture'. Are you trying to imply that people are find it difficult to mentally accept other cultures?
*Or, do you actually want to say that people find it difficult to adapt to a new culture, which becomes stressful for them?


One further point is that the way study in the new university is totally different with what having been learnt in the past so students must strive very hard to survive in exams, this matter will make students feel tired and have negative attitude to their study.
^One further point?? Remove and change it.
-totally different. Like, totally, duuuuuuude? Try and find a more appropriate expression.
^Your first clause seriously needs some revision. Seperate the two clauses with a full stop rather than a comma.
-students will have 'A' negative attitude, or 'NEGATIVE ATTITUDES' to their study.


Looking at the other side, all the same, those against such an opinion have their own reasons. It also proves to be convincing to believe that difficulties in living and studying can be overcome.
^You can start off with, 'On the other hand', and remove 'all the same' as it is unnecessary.
-What proves???


One of the main arguments for such a view is that culture can be learnt from many available sources such as on the internet, books, etc before one person goes to study abroad;
^'a culture', or 'cultures'.
-remove 'on'.
-before 'a' person goes to study abroad.
^I am not sure if you are learning about a culture as much as you are researching it. I thought culture is best learnt through first hand experience...My opinion at least.

moreover it is it can be generally admitted that at universities there are many pre- classes helping students get acquainted with the style of study.
^it is it??
^Are you talking about the University's culture. Or people's culture?

In conclusion, although not all people will be by my side, I still believe that studying abroad is a wonderful chance in one's life, difficulties in living and studying can be solved easily.
^Remove 'althought not all pepole will be by my side'.
remove 'still'.
Replace the comma ater 'one's life' with a semicolon.

Is this an application essay, or a school one?
If it is for the former, you may want to consider making it more personal rather than just generalizing.
If it is for school, then revise your grammar and your sentence structure. Also, if you need to evaluate, you did not do that great of a job. You just made points and then a conclusion. You never developed your points clearly enough to evaluate them...

I think work, needs to be done.

Thanks very much! I will try my best to tackle my weaknesses.this essay for practicing the ielts I have about 40 minutes, with the length of 250 words. I have problem with structure, how can I overcome it?

Structure is easy. Your chief problem is with wordiness. You pile so many words into each sentence that, ironically, they end up saying very little.

For example, your first paragraph does nothing but restate the prompt. You fill it and other paragraphs up with empty phrases such as "to be precise" and "with reference to" while saying very little. Perhaps you were worried about the word count? Don't be! Just answering the prompt clearly and coherently will necessarily take the requisite number of words.

Now, structure: For An IELTS essay, you have just enough time to pound out a five paragraph essay, as follows:

I. Introduction, including statement of thesis.
II. First argument, with supporting evidence
III. Second argument, with supporting evidence
IV. Third argument, with supporting evidence or refutation of a counter-argument
V. Conclusion, including restatement of thesis

In your introduction, try to say something interesting about the topic rather than simply restating the prompt. In your thesis statement, be sure to include the three arguments you will be explaining in the rest of the essay. The formula is "X because 1, 2, and 3."

Begin each body paragraph with a topic sentence that states its argument clearly. Then support the argument with logic and/or an example or two. If you are going to raise and refute a counter-argument in lieu of a third argument, do so simply, again prefacing the paragraph with a topic sentence such as "Some people believe ... but ..."

Begin your conclusion with a summary of your thesis and arguments and then offer some concluding thoughts. Here, and in your introduction, is where you can let your personality and unique viewpoint shine through.

This is, needless to say, a very formulaic way to write an essay. I don't recommend it for real writing that is going out into the world to be read by an actual audience, as all of the overt thesis statements and topic sentences lead to dull and heavy-handed writing. But it is the formula for timed essays of all sorts, some of which are actually graded by means of rubrics that give points for things like clear topic sentences.

In fact, if you really want to, you can break these sorts of essays down into a sentence-by-sentence formula (and Simone's very detailed, excellent description of the five-paragraph essay isn't that far off from that now).

However, I don't think that's your problem. Nor do I think it's wordiness. Your writing is far too wordy -- Simone is right about that -- but I think that's just a symptom, rather than the underlying cause. Mostly, you just don't seem to have that much to say.

For instance, many of your paragraphs are really single sentences that have metastasized.

"One of the matters of concern worth discussing is studying abroad or studying at home. To be more precise, a number of people come up with a claim that although studying at the university overseas is an exciting prospect for many people, yet it is better to say at home because of the difficulties a student inevitably encounters living and studying in a different culture. It appears rather hard to choose whether completely support such an opinion."

is the same as

"Although studying abroad may seem exciting, it also involves many difficulties."

Likewise,

"With reference to the advocates of the view above there are several justifications worth taking into account. It can be reasonable to claim that when you enter a country to study you will face many problems of living and studying, according to some reliable statistics many students are so shock of culture that get stressed for a long time. One further point is that the way study in the new university is totally different with what having been learnt in the past so students must strive very hard to survive in exams, this matter will make students feel tired and have negative attitude to their study."

is the same as

"Studying abroad can lead to culture shock, which can adversely affect academic performance."

Your entire essay could be reduced to a single five sentence paragraph and be much the better for it. You can't create an skyscraper with a single girder, nor can you create a paragraph with a single idea. You can create a paragraph around a single idea, as architects create a building around a central theme, but that's different. So, first, you need to think more deeply about your topics, and come up with more to say about them. Then you can worry about structuring your thoughts.

Excellent image!

Why thank you. I'm afraid it doesn't bode well for the essay, though. When your reader's first thought is "this is what cancer would do to essays if it could exist as words," then some serious rewriting is called for :-)