Florida State University Essay-- the summer before my senior year

PROMT:
The essay is an important part of your application. It assists the University in learning about you as an individual, independent of your academic grade point average, test scores, and other objective data. Your essay should be no longer than 500 words.
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.


Throughout my years of high school, I have learned more about myself perhaps than I did in the classroom. Simple teenage drama to some not-so-easy-to-handle life experiences have prompted a change within myself that is very notable. As a freshman in high school, I was very insecure, didn't care too much for what ever was ahead of me, and wasn't necessarily a good friend. However, one day I realized how unhappy and unfulfilling my life was, and decided I needed to change. From that day forth, I worked hard at becoming a better person, and I am proud of the person I have become today. I have matured from an self-doubting teenage girl just trying to fit in with the crowd to a strong individual who knows who I am and cannot be swayed by peer pressure. Each day brings a new beginning, and with each new beginning I show the world, and myself, a little more about me.

One of the hardest experiences I went through during my high school career was moving the summer before my senior year in high school. So many expectations are put on all of the fun and memories that lie ahead of during senior year, and the idea that I would not be able to share those memories with my close friends really saddened me. Most kids would rebel against their parents, ostracize themselves from the people at their new school, and do whatever possible to show their parents how "miserable" they are. However I understood why my parents decided to relocate, and I took the move in stride. Within a week of moving to Florida I got a job, made some friends, and began to accept my new home. As soon as school started I joined "The Herd", a spirit club at the school, and did everything could to get involved and make new friends. Moving really tested my strength and resilience, and was able to come out on top. I have come to truly love Florida and have some great friends and memories I will take with me throughout my life.

I believe that single experience showed some of my better qualities, my "Mores". Florida State University is up with the best of the best, and its students have been prided on their characteristics in addition to their academics. I am determined, thoughtful, honest, compassionate, resilient, personable, and overall just a strong person with a good head on my shoulders. As a Seminole I would use my creativity to generate new ideas for the FSU campus and student body and positively leave my mark on the school. It takes more than just good grades to be a Seminole, and I believe I have what it takes to represent the Seminoles with pride.

I think you state your strengths less and show it through one specific situation. Although you have one already, you should give a stronger example as to why you have good character and how you proved it.

thanks!!

The first paragraph gets off to a little bit of a slow start (the two beginning sentences especially). "Learned....myself....perhaps outside the classroom than in it" and "Various experiences, ranging from..." to start off the second sentence should fix the prob.


Otherwise, it's fine.

Good luck :)

Yes, I agree with this advice about the weakness of the first paragraph. Try starting with paragraph two, which is quite strong. I see no errors, so just tighten it up by incorporating the important points from paragraph one into the other paragraphs.

You are a good writer!

Thank you guys so much! Great suggestions =]
How does this sound?

One of the hardest experiences I went through during my high school career was moving the summer before my senior year in high school. So many expectations are put on all of the fun and memories that lie ahead of during senior year, and the idea that I would not be able to share those memories with my close friends really saddened me. Most kids would rebel against their parents, ostracize themselves from the people at their new school, and do whatever possible to show their parents how "miserable" they are. However I understood why my parents decided to relocate, and I took the move in stride. Within a week of moving to Florida I got a job, made some friends, and began to accept my new home. As soon as school started I joined "The Herd", a spirit club at the school, and I did everything could to get involved and make new friends. Moving really tested my strength and resilience, and I was able to come out on top. I have come to truly love Florida and have some great friends and memories I will take with me throughout my life.

I believe that single experience showed some of my better qualities, my "Mores". Another example of my good nature was shown this holiday season. As we all know, the economy is not too great right now. Christmas's were smaller for everyone around the country. Rather than spending my money on clothes like most teenage girls, I felt compelled to assist my parents in providing more presents for my younger siblings. I didn't do it because I did it because I wanted to. Seeing my brother and sister open up their presents put a smile on my face, and that was worth ever dollar spent. My charitable personality would be undoubtedly be a positive addition to the Florida State community.

Florida State University is one of the most celebrated and sought after universities in Florida, whose students have been prided on their character in addition to their academics. As a Seminole I would use my creativity to generate new ideas for the FSU campus and student body and positively leave my mark on the school. In addition to the examples I have provided, I am sure as a Seminole I would not go unnoticed in the crowd, displaying my determined, thoughtful, honest, compassionate, personable, and overall desirable personality each and every day. It takes more than just good grades to be a Seminole, and I believe I have what it takes to represent the Seminoles with pride.

It's great!
Good luck!
:)