My father said my essay sucked (Why Engineering? Why Cornell)

Tell us about your interest or an idea in engineering, how will cornell help you?
Why Engineering? Why Cornell

Engineering reminds me of the particle accelerators that smash atoms together to make extraordinary products. If we put the Mathematics, the Sciences, the theoretical learning, and the hands-on training into these particle accelerators, the products will no doubt be engineering. Indeed I love engineering for its scope of skills and knowledge involved.
A competition held at the McMaster University in Canada stimulated my interest in the field. For the competition, I was asked to design an "arm holder" by using a hundred drinking straws and thirty pieces of tape. I was enthralled, for I found the project delightfully creative, and I sought inventive ways to do it. Before long, straws cut, bent, taped, and marked began to fly about in my room. I was engrossed in the joy of applying my knowledge to the hands-on problem.
I felt a unique force in this competition. For one thing it motivated me more than the Mathematics competitions. I loved math, but through this competition I found that, unlike a Math problem, an engineering problem had boundless solutions. Through the competition, I discovered that although I loved the knowledge taught to me in the classroom, my true interest lay in the application of this knowledge to turn daring ideas into reality.
And it turned out that my daring idea came quickly when I decided to find a way to cure myopia. I believe there is an easier way to resume perfect vision than through the laser eye surgeries. I, thereby, wish to major in bioengineering and minor in biomedical engineering. I believe that the key to cure myopia lies in the research of biomaterials, and I am delighted to discover that biomaterial is one of the six major research fields in the BME department of Cornell. I hope that one day, I can invent a "biocompatible lens" that will be as easy to use as the contact lens, but can integrate much better as part of our eyes. The wealth of research opportunities at Cornell will no doubt help me achieve my purpose.
As I browsed through the Cornell Engineering homepage, I was constantly drawn to the word "breadth". Indeed Cornell College of Engineering resembles a giant particle accelerator that lacks no ingredients. As I browsed through the web, I was caught by opportunities such as the Student Project Group in which the engineering quad and the community came together. As I picture myself at Cornell, either as a researcher, a Project Group member, or an intellectually engaged learner, I feel inspired and mentally renewed. I feel ready for the interdisciplinary approach of engineering. I cannot wait to get a big picture of engineering through the core-engineering courses offered at Cornell, then hone into my interest.
Although Biomedical Engineering is relatively young at Cornell, I can see Cornell quickly emerging as a leader of the field. The collaboration that Biomedical Engineering has established with institutions like the Weill Medical College assures me that if I do become a bioengineering student at Cornell, I will not lack resources and opportunities.
The particle accelerator has all the atomic components I want. Aim them at me with high energy, and I assure what emerges will be miraculous and original.

All ideas are welcome thanks

haha did your father really say that or did you just say it to grab our attention? lol

nope he really said it I swear

Wow you sound a lot like a person I know - he was accepted to biomed engineering ED and I think he went to McMaster last year. Funnily enough I tried out for the Canada Arm thing at my school but our group's attempt was an epic failure. :P

Anyway, overall I don't think your essay sucked...like your dad said. I like the idea of the particle accelerator. Just a few grammatical and phrasing things I guess.

If we put the Mathematics, the Sciences, the theoretical learning, and the hands-on training
I don't really think you need so many "the"s here, it's a little redundant. and I'm not sure about the capitalization of math/science

I was asked to design an "arm holder" by using a hundred drinking straws and thirty pieces of tape.
You have a few of these unnecessary words here and there. Read your essay out loud and see if anything sounds weird.

I believe that the key to cure curing myopia lies in
I think that works better.

Hope it helps!

lol yea thanks good advice with the reading out loud

Engineering reminds me of the particle accelerators that smash atoms together to make extraordinary products. If we put the Mathematics, the Sciences, the theoretical learning and the hands-on training into these particle accelerators, the product will no doubt be engineering.

I was enthralled, for I found the project delightfully creative, and I sought inventive ways accomplish the task.

It turned out that my daring idea came quickly when I decided to find a way to cure myopia. I believe there is an easier way to resume perfect vision than through laser eye surgeries. I thereby wish to major in bioengineering and minor in biomedical engineering.

I hope that one day, I can invent a "biocompatible lens" that will be as easy to use as the contact lens, but can be integrated much better as part of our eyes.
Although Biomedical Engineering is relatively young at Cornell, I can see Cornell quickly emerging as a leader in the field.

Hope this helps!

:)