THIS IS MY ESSAY FOR UIUC,I THINK IT REALLY NEED ENHANCEMENT

Essay 1: In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals.
Mathematics is one of my favorate academic,it's really interesting and helpful. Deduce and calculate can improve my logic capability, dialectical capablity and abstract capability, learning mathematics become a more rigorous thinker.
My professional goal is become a financier. My mother is a registered accountants and everyday she must faced mount of date and analyse these date in order make these date precisely. She often told me that if I want to be an excellent financier, preliminary is I must interested in mathematics and master it. Because only if I have a solid foundation, I can do my job well.
Francis Bacon ever said mathematics makes people thorough. An outstanding financier must be thorough, if a financier lack of this quality, he or she must be lost job. Mathematics is good training for the mind, so my interest in mathematics actually made me as a meticulous person.
A mount of economic data become the specific finacial data crux is to establish preferably mathematical models. This is how mathematics apply in finance. So, have a proficient mathematics skills is important to study in finance.
Finance is the heart of my academic and professional goal and my interest in math can actually help me to master finance. I believe that study in University of Illinois Urbana Champaign is my best choice to pursue my dream.

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Honestly, I think that learning math shouldn't be exactly said as an interest. In my opinion, you can say more about how your mother's math career has helped you realize your goal in math and probably give an example cause abstraction never wins reality, and write less about how learning math has made you a whatsoever.

Also, I think you should relate this idea to the the idea that math in XC is good for you, or stuff like that.

Hope this helps,
Angela

Mathematics is one of my favorite subjects, it's interesting and helpful.

Deductions and calculations can improve my logic capability, dialectical capability and abstract capability, learning mathematics to become a more rigorous thinker.


My professional goal is to become a financier.

My mother is a registered accountant and every day she must face a mound of data and analise this data in order to make it precise.

She often told me that if I want to be an excellent financier,the preliminary is that I mustbe interested in mathematics and master it.


Francis Bacon said mathematics makes people thorough.

An outstanding financier must be thorough, if a financier lacks this quality, he or she must not be right for the job.

Mathematics is good training for the mind, so my interest in mathematics actually made me a meticulous person.


A mound of economic data become the specific financial data crux is to establish preferably mathematical models.

This is how mathematics apply in finance. So, having proficient mathematical skills is important to the study of finance.


Good luck in school!

:)

Thank you