MY ESSAY FOR SYRACUSE:IT'S REALLY NEED ENHACEMENT!!!

Growing up in Chinese education systeam, I actuallly think Chinese education is wrongly viewed as consisting mostly of theoretical, rather than practical instructions. However, the mission of scholarship in action imply that only in action, only in intense desire,can we grow as individuals.

Syracuse's mission of Scholarship in Action can make students who have higher education to beneficial society. As a freshman whose academic interest is in the field of finance, I'm eager to become a member of such a prosepctive mission and let my knowledge beneficial to my surroundings, including my country. After the financial crisis this year, many people lost jobs and companies faced bankrupted. Companies' superintend must have financial theories, but they can not avoid this crisis. Mainly because they can not use them in real world. After this financial crisis, I want to learn financial in my further study. I think Syracuse University is the best choice. Because your school can give me many opportunities to verified the theory with friends in group. Virtually, any issue in public affairs has a financial component. So I must do something good to society, such as help them how to deal with the financail crisis.

The mission of Scholarship in Action offered a great opportunity for me to apply my knowledge to the real-world engagement. Due to my limited ability as an individual, I would be more likely to work in large groups with my peers to implement such an engagement, and that's basically how I anticipate putting scholarship into actions.

"Having experienced both the American and the Chinese educational systems, I think Chinese education is often wrongly viewed as consisting mostly of theoretical, rather than practical, instruction."

"Syracuse's Scholarship in Action program can help students who are pursuing higher education to find ways to benefit society"

"let my knowledge beneficial to my surroundings, including my country." Revise to ". . . and employ my knowledge for the benefit of my local community, my state, and my country"

"After the financial crisis this year, many people have lost their jobs and many companies are facing bankruptcy."

"Company directors have normally studied many different financial theories, but they were unable to avoid the current crisis, mainly because they did not apply those theories in the real world." (This is my best guess as to what you meant, anyway)

Thanks very much

Growing up in a Chinese education system, I actuallly think Chinese education is wrongly viewed as consisting mostly of theoretical instructions, rather than practical; however, the mission of scholarship in action imply that, only in action, only in intense desire, can we grow as individuals.

Syracuse's mission of Scholarship in Action makes students with higher education beneficial to their society. As a freshman with academic interest in the field of finance, I'm eager to become a member of such a prospective mission and let my knowledge be beneficial to my surroundings, including my family, my state, my community, and my country. After the financial crisis this year, many people lost jobs, and companies faced bankrupted. Companies' superintend must have financial theories, but they cannot avoid this crisis. After this financial crisis, I want to study finance in my educational experience at Syracuse. I think Syracuse University is the best choice because your school can supply me with many opportunities to verify the theory. Virtually, any issue in public affairs has a financial component; so, I must do something good in and for society, such as help them learn how to deal with the financial crisis and learn from it.

The mission of Scholarship in Action offered a great opportunity for me to apply my knowledge to the real-world engagement. Due to my limited ability as an individual, I would be more likely to work in large groups with my peers to implement such an engagement, and that's how I anticipate putting scholarship into actions.


The essay is a well-thought out, well-written essay, but you did have a few errors. Most of the errors were with subject-verb agreements and past-present tenses. I think you should include how you are currently helping in the financial field. Are you working in that field already? What are you doing right now? Sell yourself! Make them WANT and NEED you to come to Syracuse. Make yourself irresistible to them.

Thank you for your advice, i will take them.