Environmentalism and Leonardo da Vinci - The Common App Short Answer and Essay

Hey everyone, I would really appreciate a critique on these two pieces I wrote for the Common Application:

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Essay # 1: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) - (150 words or fewer).
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The heat was almost unbearable that afternoon, but I remained stoic because I knew that day was important. It was finally time for the first event that the Environmental Society at my school had organized: a hiking trail clean-up. Using only garbage bags, shears, and gardening gloves we managed to clear up many of the malignant weeds growing in the area, and we also managed to liberate the trail of much of the litter it had accumulated over the years.

I had signed up for the society hoping to assist the group with its noble environmentalist endeavors; fortunately we accomplished more after the clean-up. Joining the society and participating in its activities was an enriching experience. I truly felt like I was helping save the world, and making a few good friends on the way was a wonderful bonus.

(139 Words)


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Essay #2: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
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Reading Dan Brown's bestseller The Da Vinci Code intrigued me greatly and made me wonder: could Leonardo da Vinci really have been intelligent enough to have hidden all those secret codes in his artworks? Of course, I realized Brown's novel was a work of fiction, but the imaginative story he had crafted inspired me to research da Vinci and learn more about this enigmatic polymath. Upon reading more about da Vinci, it dawned on me that he was the archetypal figure of who I wanted to be.

Leonardo da Vinci was the epitome of a Renaissance Man. Not only was he an accomplished visual artist, but he was also widely recognized for his breakthroughs in science and engineering. Much like da Vinci, my interests lie in both the humanities and the sciences. Even though I would prefer to choose research science as a career, I still hold a deep appreciation for the arts and their psychologically beneficial effect on the human psyche.

Da Vinci was known for recording his numerous observations of the natural world in his own personal notebooks. His seemingly superhuman ingenuity was evident in his detailed diagrams and essays. Long before proper calculators were even invented he had already made his own prototype, which he called an Adding Machine. He even had ideas down to build a helicopter! These amazing facts inspired me to look into a research-based career. I dream of one day making a breakthrough discovery to help humankind; even laying the groundwork for future discoveries would fulfill my aspirations.

A somewhat little-known fact about da Vinci was that he was a vegetarian entirely for ethical reasons. Back in his time, that was extremely rare. Da Vinci was one of the many great thinkers I admired, along with the likes of fellow vegetarians Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein, who inspired me to become a vegetarian myself. He taught me that being yourself and standing up for what you believe in is much more rewarding than conforming to society's sometimes cruel standards.

Today, even centuries after da Vinci's death, he still lives on through his accomplishments. His paintings Mona Lisa and The Last Supper are still two of the most widely recognized and loved pieces of art in the entire world. His sketch entitled Vitruvian Man has become a universal symbol for the human body. Researchers and historians alike are still unearthing many of the impossibly advanced discoveries he had made during his lifetime. I know that I want to be the same way. I yearn to explore the frontiers of science, especially biology. Being remembered for my achievements, however small, would be the greatest honor. Hopefully I can contribute to the progress of humankind just like the great Leonardo da Vinci!

(456 words)

Hi,aa, here is some of my advice and I hope it can help you(By the way, it looks like we two choose the same prompts)

The first passage:

1. After reading the first sentence I thought a running race was about to begin......er, well then, since you've written in the following sentences that you are going to clear the weeds and trail, then why don't you delineate your actions and mentation during the process at the beginning of the paragraph? You can give us a sense of flashback and I believe it can intrigue readers.

2. The last sentence of second paragraph can not convince me that your experience is enriching. I think points are enough, but you need some more words to reinforce them.


The second one:
1. Sincerely, I think 456 words are far from adequate......My teacher told me that the essays of students he knew who earned full scholarship and entered top universities are about one and a half page measured in the paper of A4; that should be about 900 words to 1000 words. I wrote 982 words......

I don't know whether you are going to expand your essay largely or not, so please tell me how you would like to do and then I can give you the contingent advice in order to improve it in my best effort.
Harmon

In the second essay, the length is not the problem. You tell the reader all about DaVinci but nothing about yourself. You have to reveal who you are in this essay and you missed the mark.