emory- how will it help me grow?

This is my answer to the Emory prompt why I want to go to the college. The limit is 250 words

SEE BELOW

While some current students agonize over the required courses, I view these classes as essentialsfor finalizing my choice for an intended major.

I don't know if you want to say that it will help you grow INTO a well-rounded individual. I think they are looking for well-rounded individuals who want to grow more.

Some parts of you're essay seem a little casual, maybe use different word choices?

Otherwise, you're essay is really well organized. It is clear and gets the point across!
Do you mind looking at mine?

Your essay is fantastic! you really nailed it to the point!

I could easily understand the points you are making and what you want to do at Emory !

I don't think there is anything to correct except few grammatical errors.

Good luck and I hope I meet you there~ :) Cuz im applying to Emory for Early decision haha

i rewrote it to make it more personal
Emory's combination of community service opportunities and a diverse student body comprise a suitable environment for developing my personal interests and fostering my personal growth.

I prefer to learn through experience in the community rather than through textbooks. By mentoring elementary school students, I have learned the psychology of a child's mind and how to communicate ideas efficiently. Working on projects focused on sustainability in Latin America has helped me develop my Spanish comprehension as well as my knowledge on tiling floors and planting trees. By attending a school noted for its students' dedication to community service, I will be able to continue this type of learning. Involvement in Volunteer Emory's regional trips and service days will allow me to continue developing through experience as I reach out to those in need and interact with people who share my passion for service.

After growing up in a diverse city and traveling abroad, I have developed an interest in diversity. The Office of Multicultural Programs and Services contains the resources for cultivating my curiosity in other cultures. By participating in the Office's programs, I will grow into an aware global citizen as I learn more about world issues that impact people of various backgrounds and bond with students with values and traditions different from mine.

Emory's diverse, community-serving individuals are the ingredients that complete my preferences for the college "soup". I hope to taste the University's unique broth next year and to flavor it with my own spices.

I think it starts off very great. It is very concise, does not have any fluff and works perfectly.
I think it was a good choice in integrating the programs you can do.

You start off kind of abruptly. Can you begin with a sentence that says something meaningful about this school, diversity, and your aspirations?

...and traveling abroad, I have developed an interest in diversity.
Maybe you developed an interest in cultural anthropology, rather than simply "diversity" in general.

You can improve this and any essay by saying your main idea in the beginning, then explaning it, and then saying it again in different words.

Emory's combination of community service opportunities and a diverse student body comprise a suitable environment for developing my interests and fostering my personal growth.

I prefer to learn through experience in the community rather than through textbooks. From explaining arithmetic to young, perplexed students and controlling their rowdiness when baking a treat, I have learned the psychology of a child's mind and how to communicate ideas efficiently. Working on service projects in Latin America has helped me develop my Spanish comprehension and expand my knowledge on floor tiling and tree planting as I joked with native speakers and copied their work with my stained, gloved hands. By attending a school noted for its students' dedication to community service, I will be able to continue this type of learning. Involvement in Volunteer Emory's regional trips and service days will allow me to continue developing through experience as I reach out to those in need and interact with people who share my passion for service.

Growing up in a diverse city and traveling abroad stimulated my interest in diversity. The Office of Multicultural Programs and Services contains the resources for cultivating my curiosity in other cultures. Participating in the Office's retreats and seminars will nurture my growth into a global citizen as I learn more about racial issues and bond with Emory students with values and traditions different from mine.

I hope to utilize my battered gloves in service projects and unravel cultural issues alongside Emory students who share my passions.

EF_Kevin can you comment on my Why Chicago essay? http://www.essayforum.com/essays-term-papers-1/uchicago-hogw arts-muggle-world-9489/