Duke supplement----Why Duke engineering?----Seeking feedback

Hope to receive any suggestions possible. Appreciate everyone's help.



"Zzz..."
I tossed and turned, but I couldn't drift off. It was all because of my uncle's thundering snore. Occasionally, I discovered that some biomedical engineering researchers had been working on the solution to the snoring symptoms. After learning more about those research programs, I became fascinated by biomedical engineering. Since it can combine the design and problem solving skills of engineering with medical and biological sciences, I am sure that it will not only help me find a way to eliminate my uncle's snore, but more important, bring about changes to the medical community.

It was not until I came across with Duke's Pratt School of Engineering did I find a perfect place to take a step closer toward my dream. The lines and structures of the "Build your own DUKE" icon on the website evoked a sudden impulse inside me, and after I learned that Duke's biomedical engineering programs are national stand outs, I knew that I was incurably in love with this school. Since my father is a researcher in science, I was quite familiar with most lab equipments after I had observed and completed many experiments in his lab. My mother, a doctor, inspired my deepest interest in medical science. Museums had always been my favorite place to visit; those high-tech robots and mechanics always reminds me of my father's words: "Engineering is an almighty tool which can be applied to brand-new creations. If you want to change the world, it would be your best choice."

During my stay in the state of Alabama in the US at the age of 12, one of my classmates from North Carolina told me that Duke was the one of the best universities in the U.S since it not only fostered strong leaders like Richard Nixon, but also trained basketball stars like Grant Hill, who is one of the best forward in the NBA. The home of the "blue devil" would surely be a place where I, a basketball geek who never stopped playing basketball for 14 years, belong. Duke answered me best by telling me it is where "Challenge meets opportunity", where engineering rules, and where an ambitious boy like me could strive for his best to make a difference.

I don't understand your first paragraph.....what information you trying to give?

Tell mor einformation like how is the buliding, how the system of off-campus, what finacial help they give or not?

You can chek my essays, there is mistake or need of correction tell me about.

I think your some of your words mainly discussed about why you want to choose the certain major, but not why you choose Duke. Your fascination with engineering is clear, but it could not be the sole reason for you to enter Duke. you need to use more words in describing the comprehensive Duke, besides the last paragraph and delete some sentences in engineering.

But anyway, i think it is a pretty good work.

You cannot occasionally discover something. You discover it once and then come back to it. Other than that, it is an interesting way to lead into your essay.
Also, snoring may be a symptom of something, but there are no symptoms of snoring.


What do you mean by the design of engineering?


Again, what do you mean by the icon evoking a sudden impulse in you? Did it create a love or interest in Duke or what?


The change from being in love with Duke to your merits is quite sudden. Use a transition or two to ease into your next point. The essay then again jumps to museums. Add another transition before this.

The last paragraph is very random. It doesn't address the question (I'm assuming the prompt is why engineering) at all. It's just a conglomeration of why you want to go to Duke, not why you are interested in the engineering program. I would eliminate that entire paragraph and spend more time talking about your passion for engineering or something along those lines.
However, if the prompt is why Duke, then the last paragraph is okay. Although it throws the reader off because of the rather abrupt change in topic.

Thanks guys for your kind and get-to-the-point suggestions.

I will work more on the focus as well as the transition. All that suggestions help.

Many thanks!

whats the actual prompt??

i think you conveyed your interest in engineering really well, but like 'longyue' said, you need to focus more on why you chose duke. also, just read over your essay and ask yourself, "have i said everything i wanted to say in the shortest way possible?"
other than that, you're on the right track. great essay!

Thanks guys for the insightful suggestions.


The actual prompt was " If you are applying to the Pratt School of Engineering, please discuss why you want to study engineering and why you would like to study at Duke." (<3 paragraphs)

I did some revise on the transition as well as the content and focus a little more on Why I choosed Duke. IF you will, help me get over with it again. Appreciate your help.^^


"Zzz..." I tossed and turned, but I couldn't drift off. It was all because of my uncle's thunderous snoring. Once I came across a biomedical engineering program that focused on the solution to snoring, so I paid attention to it. Gradually I became fascinated by biomedical engineering. It is a subject that combines the design and problem solving skills of engineering with medical and biological sciences to tackle medical problems, and I am sure it will be of great use in solving my uncle's problem.

It was not until I came across with Duke's Pratt School of Engineering did I find a perfect place for me to fulfill my wish of becoming a biomedical engineer with a small dream of getting rid of snoring for good and a big dream of changing the medical community. I have always kept my dreams to lead my direction and will be well prepared to join Duke next year. Since my father is a researcher in science, I was quite familiar with most lab equipment after I observed and completed many experiments in his lab. My mother, a doctor, inspired my deepest interest in medical science. Museums had always been my favorite place to visit; those high-tech robots and mechanics always reminds me of my father's words: "Engineering is an almighty tool which can be applied to brand-new creations. If you want to change the world, it would be your best choice."

Duke gave me an impression of valiancy and power the first time I heard its name. During my stay in the state of Alabama in the US, one of my classmates from North Carolina told me that Duke was the one of the best universities in the U.S since it not only fostered strong leaders like Richard Nixon, but also trained basketball stars like Grant Hill, one of the best forward in the NBA. The home of the "blue devils" would surely be a place where I, a basketball geek who never stopped playing basketball for 14 years, belong. Duke answered me best by telling me it is where "Challenge meets opportunity", where engineering rules, and where an ambitious boy like me could strive for his best to make a difference.